What I've learned Wednesdays

1) In Florida air conditioning is a must... even in December.

2) Don't sleep in your contacts. Sure, sure the box says you can but if you sleep in them routinely your eyes can't breath and develop blood vessel growth or something like that.. Whatever it is it's bad... so even though "they" say you can- don't sleep in your contacts.

3) You can make smores in the microwave. They taste just as good as if you made them over a campfire.

4) My dad is absolutely the best daddy ever. He surprised me with a purple i-pod for making all A's my first semester back at school. How could you not love and appreciate that man!!!

5) A lot of times in life you've got to close the door on the past and walk away. Be extra careful and make sure you never look back.

6) I actually owe Brian an apology. I realize now what a mistake a certain choice was. Not going into details but let's just say I crossed a line that should have never been crossed because I was only thinking about myself. Now two guys have lost what was once a good friendship and I'm pretty sure I hurt Brian in the process. U live and learn I guess... but when it comes down to it my friendship with Brian is far more important to me than the other thing. And that's that.

7) Even though I am very much aware of how blessed I am, I'm still finding it hard to not feel a little down this Christmas. I've lost a husband and a grandmother this year and it's hard not to feel the pain of that during holiday family time. Why is it that you can have sooooooo much to be thankful for but still get stuck on the few things that you don't have?

8) Certainly not new knowledge but nevertheless very much worth mentioning... Cheerwine is by far the best soda ever! Hands down! No contest! Should def be the drink of the Gods! Period!

Lost keys and such...

Did I mention that I lost my car keys last week!! I had finally got around to taking all the boxes out of the backseat I had picked up from Brian's and somewhere between bringing them in, sorting through all of my junk and putting it away I lost my car keys. I searched everywhere for those stupid things. Even had Brian and Gavin break into my car thinking maybe I had locked them inside. Sadly my keys never did turn up. So I spent a week driving Gavin's Geo Tracker with no a/c and no powersteering waiting to get a new car key made. I learned a valuable lesson from all of this though... always make a copy of your car key! Plus I realized how often I still used my car's a/c even though it's December. Anyway. Yesterday I finally got my new key. I most have been so happy to finally have a car key again because I fell alseep with it in my pocket and woke up to my key laying right beside me in bed this morning. I'm so in love with my new tacky looking Toyota key that I'm sleeping with it!! Hmmm... perhaps sleeping with my key is a little much but hey it beats letting it out of my sight and losing it again.

the grades are in...

First semester back to school is offically over!!!

Four classes complete!

Four A's earned!

Got to admit that I'm suprised and also pretty proud of myself for finally seeing something through. I was always the girl who was best at quitting any and everything she started. But not this time. Thanks to my daddy who helped me afford to go back without going broke in the process. Thanks to my mom and all my friends who have been a constant source of encouragement and support. And special thanks to my main man Jesus, without him nothing would be possible. And perhaps the strangest most bizzare thanks of all. Thank you Brian for walking away last April. You threw me out of the boat and suddenly it was sink or swim for me. And thankfully I chose to swim.

It is what it is.

Obviously I missed the class on how you are supposed to act when you and your spouse split up. Supposedly you SHOULDN'T talk to them several times a week. You DON"T text each other just to see how the other is doing. You DON'T call your soon to be ex-wife at seven in the morning just to talk whenever you're upset about something. You DON'T arrange to have your soon to be ex-husband come over and help you put together your new dresser. You DON'T talk. You DON'T hang out. You DON'T care about each other anymore...
or not...
What if you're still best friends? So what if you talk and text each other? What's so wrong with helping each other out? What if you always will care about them?
I get a lot of "what the hell" or "you guys are weird." Well duh... Brian and I have always been weird. All I can say is that when you grow up with someone and you love someone you're always going to want to be there for them and see them happy. Some people ask how I can be friends with a guy that bailed on our marriage. My reply simply would be, "How can I not?" As friends Brian and I work. He might have failed in some aspects of being a husband but he's never failed me as a friend. Somehow even when our divorce is finalized I'll always think of Brian as family. In this life we'll always be connected somehow. Perhaps there will never be a correct label for Brian and I. Maybe no one will ever understand our friendship. But that's okay. As Brian likes to say, "It is what it is," and that's good enough for me.

What I've learned Wednesdays...

1) I feel guilty for being quick to complain about having to drag myself to class after working all day. I should feel blessed. I should feel lucky. I should just be glad that I have the opportunity to finally go back and get my degree.

2) Speaking of blessings. I always count it as one when a cop pulls you over for speeding, shows you your 13 miles an hour over the posted speed limit number on his radar gun and then just let's you go with a "just make sure you slow it down some honey."

3) My favorite song of the moment is actually a blue grass song... never saw that one coming.

4) My friend Laura is one kick ass tough woman... and her fiance (or whatever the hell he is)should be ashamed.

5) Dating is highly overrated.

6) I def need to go and try on the new Miraculous bra from Victoria Secret... if it actually does live up to it's advertisments I might just have to force my cheap ass self to buy one for $50.

7) The next time I spend ten minutes trying to shove something into the trunk of my car I will be aware of the fact that the forty some year old neighbor might be watching and that he is later going to call my roomy and go on and on about how great my ass looked!!! Ummmm... not impressed buddy... plus it really creeps me out that I look like I'm barely legal and you were checking me out.

8) As of today I've been officially on my own for eight months. And not a day goes by that I don't feel blessed to be living this new life that I've made for myself.

overstated changes

I tend to try and say with too many words exactly what I think I'm thinking. I'm pretty sure that I make things over complicated this way. It confuses me how I can be a slightly different person from one day to the next. I don't do well with change... but if there's one constant in life, that's change, so I suppose I better get used to it. I over think the fact that I feel like a hypocrite sometimes. But the simple truth to the matter is that what I think today might not be what I think tomorrow. I'm evolving as a person and surely that is a good thing. It's all trial and error really... besides nothing is stopping me from returning to my previously stated beliefs if the new ones don't work out. I used to laugh when people said that everything happens for a reason... now I pretty much believe that things do. If you asked me just a year ago where I'd be now I'd say married and with a baby on the way. Obviously that's not where I'm at. Six months ago I was furious at Brian and thought he was an asshole. Now I'd tell you that he's a great friend (maybe not husband!) and that I only hope the best for him because I think as a person he deserves it. I never thought that I could be alone, be happy and be okay and yet here I am. Such short spans of time... such different takes on life. I'm not a hypocrite. I'm not perfect. And I'm ever changing. Because even at twenty seven I still find myself growing up. The other day someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up. I kinda just laughed and said that I already was grown up... and they just laughed at me in return. I guess in a way you never are fully grown up. I keep waiting for the moment to happen when I no longer feel like an 18 yr old playing at being an adult... I'll keep you posted of when and if that moment ever occurs! Until then I need to be making my overthinking, overcomplicated, constantly changing self work on my research paper that is due tuesday. Atleast it only has to be a 1,000 words... I'm sure I can easily manipulate a 1,000 words to overstate and overmake my point for an A!

What I've learned Wednesdays...

#1
It's going to take me months to wrap my head around the fact that as of Saturday, November 28th I am now TWENTY SEVEN years old!

and # 2
I'm just now learning to reconcile myself with the fact that what I want for my life and what God wants for my life are sometimes two different things. Perhaps someday I'll get to the point where I can put my own self interest aside and soley follow his choosen path for my life. I'm currently still working on choosing God's path instead of forging my own... and I'm pretty sure that it's going to be a lifelong process of constantly checking my GPS (or God's Positioning Device, lol) to keep me from veering off in the wrong direction!

Black Friday

While my mom looks like this about black Friday shopping, I on the other hand look more like this...

Waking up @ 430 in the morning to go and fight the crowds for $5 dollars off this seasons most fashionable sweater is not exactly my idea of a good time. This use to be my mom and her mom's tradition so now by default it's now my mom's and my post thanksgiving tradition. This new tradition of ours makes me sooo thankful for Cheerwine (would not have survived the morning without it), thankful that Black Friday happens but once a year, and also very thankful for my post shopping afternoon nap ;)

Thankful :)

I'm thankful for...
my mom who I can share anything with
my dad who would do anything for me
my brother who can always make me laugh
my extended family in NC who I share so many memories with
my best friend Brittany who has become like my little sister
my exhusband who is still one of my best friends
not to mention all of my other friends who are each fantastic in their own ways
Annie who is my Jewish homie
Laura who inspires me to work harder
Kelly who always seems to face life with a smile
Kristina my official night out on the town partner
Steph who brings me Cheerwine
Holly and Brie who are kick ass stay at home moms
Sarette, Megan, and Ondria who each are a great support even far way
Kim who generously opened her home to me for six months
Plus the kids in my class who brighten my days
my coworkers/friends who help make work tolerable and usually fun
I'm thankful for the chance to go back to school
For getting to do a job that I love
Getting to live with people I love
Being able to save money when some people are barely scrapping by
I'm thankful that I'm healthy
that I'm happy
that I'm enjoying my life and taking it a day at a time

And possibly most of all I'm thankful that I was able to "Get the fuck over it, grow up and move on." I've learned so much since April. I've grown so much too. I realized that I can take care of myself. That I am enough on my own. That there isnt any challenge that I'm going to face that I can't work my way through.
I'm thankful for all of the fear, uncertainty and pain of the past year. Because I learned that I am strong even if I don't feel like it. That I can be independent even though I never was before.
Thankful that last April I felt like my life and world was over... thankful that I realized you can feel like that one moment, work through it and come out on the other side a better and happier person.

It's funny to realize that you can be thankful for the bad as well as the good. But I guess when it comes down to it being thankful is just a choice. Webster's dictionary defines it as "being concious of benefits recieved" and if that's the case I guess what I choose to be thankful for makes perfect sense. But what do I care really if it makes sense at all or not... I'm thankful for it and that's all that matters and if you don't happen to agree... well let me pass along the best advice I got all year long to you... "Just get the fuck over it, grow up and move on!"

What I've learned Wednesdays...

1) If you have a fever and your throat is swollen, red and covered in white ulcers go to the doctor... it's probably strep. Putting off going to the doctor for a few days is only going to make it that many more days til you start to feel better.

2) Blood pressure is measured in two numbers. The top is considered your systolic pressure the bottom number is your diastolic pressure. I'm aware of all of this now due to the fact that my diastolic pressure has been hovering around 100 and since that is considered extremly high I get to track my readings for a month and then go back to the doctor December 14 so they can decide what they want to do about it.

3) Just because a guy is extremly (and I mean extremly, possible overly) nice and cute doesn't mean I'm going to like him. Too bad it doesn't work that way though.

4) Guys should never wear v-neck style t-shirts... it's just not cool.

5) This past week my ex husband told me that he was proud of me. Proud that I've managed the past seven months on my own and he hasn't. Proud that I went back to school. Proud of the way I've handled our whole seperation. It meant alot to me to hear him say that. (But I've gotta say that lately I've been proud of him too for trying to get all of his shit together and for finally facing issues that have haunted him all his life! Way to go Brian!!)

6) I don't like online classes....too much busy work, not to mention I procrastinate horribly. I'd rather drag myself to the actual class than to do a class entirely over the internet. Next semester only one online course for me and three on campus!

7) The more and more I talk to people about their parents or their childhood experiences the more and more I realize how truly blessed I am to have the parents that I have. So thanks mom and dad... you guys really are the greatest... there are no words that could even come close to explaining how awesome you guys are.. in my book you guys are the best!!

Dear Olivia,

If you could have seen your mom through my eyes today. Holding you so gently. Bundling you so tightly. Smiling down at you. That light of true, devoted, forever lasting, unselfish kind of love in her eyes. You would have known then and there, from your very first full day on earth that your mom was one of the great ones. That she is always going to be there for you. She's going to sacrifice for you. Work her butt off for you. Want to give you the kind of life that she herself was never blessed with. She'll almost always put your needs ahead of her own. She's always going to be there for you. Pick you up whenever your down. Hold your hand through all of life's trials. There's no need for you to ever feel alone because you're mom IS one of the great one's. You're little now, so you can't possibly know yet but I do and I'll tell you... and fifteen or twenty years from now when you, yourself, finally realize how lucky you are to have a mom like yours... I'll just smile and say yea... if only I could have captured and bottle the moments of today you would have always known yourself that I knew you were blessed with a great mom when you were still just twenty four hours old.

going places

I'm about to return to a place that holds one of the most painful memories for me. The place where I was told for the third and final time that my baby was indeed gone. No heartbeat. No movement. No chance. The place where I had to say goodbye to my future child and undergo the surgury that would forever seperate us, atleast in this life anyway. Today I return to that place to see Olivia Laura Askew born yesterday on friday the 13th about a month early but otherwise healthy. It might be a little hard to put one foot in front of the other in that place. But Laura is one of my best friends. She's an amazing mom and a great woman and I can't let my memories and past pain take anything away from the absolute miracle and joy that her new baby should be. I can't control some of the circumstances of my life but I def can control how I choose to react to them. And I choose to view this as a full circle kinda thing... maybe a little extra closure for me. She was born one month exactly to the day of the two year mark of when I had to let my baby go. It's the same hospital. She's going to sleep in the same crib that my little one would have slept in. Wear some of the clothes that were bought to be his/hers. Eventually play with what was to be my baby's toys. In a small way, even though my baby never took a breath or lived seperatedly from me little Olivia has things from them. It's like a little gift from baby angel Matthews to baby girl Askew. For a little baby that never got to be in this world, being able to share their things with another is a small little miracle in itself. A little extra reminder of his or her existance.... so I might be shedding a few tears on my laptops keypad now... but I'm simply going to take a deep breath... get up and walk away from here... wash my face and all traces of those tears away... because I'm choosing to smile... to visit Laura and her baby girl and only take the absolute joy and miracle of it all away with me. I'm choosing not to let sadness, anger, or the whole how I just wish things could have been different feeling overtake me.... okay....so.... deep breath.... click publish post.... and here I go...

out for soda!!

He asked me out for coffee.
But of course I don't drink coffee.
So he says, "surely you gotta drink something."
"I'm pretty much just a soda girl."
So he offers to take me out for a Mt. Dew...
And really...
How could I even think about turning that one down!?!

What I've learned Wednesdays...

1) The ladybug costume was a good idea in theory (not to mention pretty damn cute if you ask me) but in reality any costume with wings is bound to get annoying after ten minutes or so. And what was I really after I ditched the wings... a chick in a super short skirt who is obsessed with red and black polka-dots?! So I've decided, next halloween, nothing with wings!

2) People don't always earn or deserve your respect. Many times you've got to force yourself to give it to them anyway.

3) My grandparents were married for sixty years. (That definitely deserves a round of applause and quite possibly a standing ovation.)

Obviously I can't even count to five because I just realized I skipped #4 entirely :)

5) It is possible to be married to someone for five years... split up... and remain good friends afterwards. Brian and I are living proof of that one. Oh for sure we had our moments here and there but we've always worked and wanted our friendship to stay intact through it all and somehow (god willing for sure) that friendship has indeed survived. And I sorta think it always will.

6) I can survive six months without cable!

a bit of Fall

Atleast my trip home wasn't all sad, tearful, and gloomy. I got the chance to enjoy the fall season North Carolina style. Cool crisp jacket weather and beautifully changing leaves. Lot's different than October weekends spent at the beach in a bikini and palm trees sporting their bright green palm fronds year round. That's pretty much what you get in Florida so it was nice to get a small taste of what fall is really supposed to be like... and I already can't wait to go back at Thanksgiving!!

Not me Monday!!

There's this blog that I somehow stumbled upon one day and absolutely love. She started this whole "Not me Monday" craze so I thought "What the hell. Why not give it a try?!" Surely not as cute and well written as hers... but nevertheless here's my first shot...
I did NOT wait until thirty minutes before I left for North Carolina to pack my stuff. Nope NOT me. I am so well organized and on top of things that I would have packed the night before, therefore I would have noticed that all of my funeral appropriate attire was still hanging in my closet at the ex husband's house. So then I most certainly did NOT have to go shopping for something to wear to the funeral at the last minute. This last minute shopping trip did NOT lead me to Target to the little girls' section. Where I definitely did NOT buy two skirts in a girl's size large or otherwise known as a 10-12. Because an almost 27 year old woman would NOT be caught dead buying and wearing a little girl's skirt. How embarrassing would that be? Nor would I ever throw my dad under the bus and embarrass him or anything by mentioning that he put on his suit jacket for the funeral and pulled my high school graduation program out of the pocket. NO way would I tell you that happened because that would mean he hasn't washed his one and only suit jacket since 2001 at least. Impossible! And best of all NO one's boss would ever request that they bring proof of the funeral back to work with them. And since NO boss would ever be that insensitive to someone who's grandma just died I did NOT seriously contemplate taking pictures of my grandmother's open casket and then dropping them down on her desk in front of her upon my return to work as the required proof!! I would never think evil thoughts like that. NOT me!

simply surviving

Somedays you simply survive. From start to finish you're just glad that you made it through. Today was one of those days. My family laid my grandmother to rest today. Today we offically said goodbye. Today was in my mother's own words, "the hardest day of her life." I hated every moment of it but I wouldn't have chosen to be anywhere else. Today my mom needed me. My family needed me. My dad, as he remembered the loss of his mom just one short year ago, needed me. I don't think of myself as strong. As independent. As someone who can hold it together. Capable of carrying others along. Today I had to be all of that and more. I had to stand there, tears in my own eyes, wiping my mothers tears away. I had to hold her hand. Give my dad a reassuring hug. Smile and help my brother along. Many times all 108 pounds of me had to literally hold my mom up on her feet. Whisper encouragement to her. Help her place one foot in front of the other as we followed behind my grandmother's casket. At times I held her to me like I do the little kids in my class simply because she needed me to. I had to be her rock. I had to be strong for her. I had to help her survive this worst moment of her life. I wanted to crumble. I wanted to run and hide. I wanted to fall apart, because seeing my mom hurt like that was heartbreaking. Coming undone wasn't an option for me. I couldn't lean on anyone... not when my mom needed to lean on me. I'll never forget today... nor the moments that made me realize that I really am grown up now. That at times I really can be all I need to be and more. I never wanted to live today... but perhaps I had to... it helped me see a glimspe of what I'm really made of... I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. Today and the past six months have taught me that... or maybe it's the opposite... maybe the past six months and today is what has made me strong... either way... it may have been one of the hardest things I've had to do but I'm glad that I was able to stand side by side with my mom and be the person who she needed me to be. I'll never forget today. And I'll always be thankful that my family and I simply managed to survive it.

the things we say

Several well meaning funeral goers approach my mom and say, "Effie Mae looks so nice." "Very pretty." Etc. etc. and various comments meaning the same thing...
To which my mom would give the same deadpan response, "She just looks dead to me."

What I've learned Wednesdays...

Leaning heavily on his cane my grandfather stood in front of my grandmother's casket. I stood back as far from the open casket as possible, standing on one side of my mom, my dad on the other, both of us trying to hold her up. My grandfather just stood there. Staring as if trying to wrap his alzheimer ridden mind around the scene in front of him. His wife of sixty years laid out before him. Which is possibly the cruelest trick of all. His mind functions mostly in the past. So he forgets... forgets that his wife is gone... he'll turn to my mom, aunt, or cousin Laura and ask "Where is Effie Mae? When is she coming home?" To which of course the heartbreaking reply is, "Remember she passed away sunday night. You're going to get to see her in heaven." Suddenly he's forced to relive losing her all over again. But this specific time, in this moment, as he stands on unsteady legs in front of his wife's body he knows she's gone. Realizes she isn't coming back. If alzheimers and life was being at all fair he would forget and forget forever... but it's not fair... in this life it's only cruel. And so he stands there. Staring down at her, silently looking, tears streaming down his face. He slowly reaches out his hand to touch her and in that moment I think I hate God. Hate what he is putting this man through. Hate that my dad and I have to physically hold my mother up to keep her from collasping on the floor. Hate that my grandpa is crying. That my uncles are crying. My aunt and her daughter are crying. My mom is crying. And worst of all my dad whose so strong and so tough, always our rock is crying. He's crying for us and I know his crying for his mom who he just lost last October. I hate that I don't understand. That I can't see the big picture. I hate that I don't see the sense in all of this. I hate that I have to see my grandmother in an open casket. Hate that my grandfather now feels all alone. Hate that my mom feels like she lost her best friend. Hate that people are always left with regrets. Hate that I can't do anything. Hate that today is simply the day from hell. Hate that I've got to wake up tomorrow and do it all over again. Hate that everything always ends. And I espcially hate having to say goodbye. I hate that I've simply hated everything about today. I guess some days in life are like that. I suppose I should feel blessed that days like this have been few and far between for me. But right now, in this moment, on this Wednesday I've learned that sometimes you just can't get past the hate to appreciate anything else... and sometimes...on some days... hating everything just might be okay.

Not about me

As I laid there tonight feeling sorry for myself I had a thought. (I know... me... thinking, what a scary thought in itself!) Here I am feeling sorry for MYSELF and feeling all ALONE... but why is it all about ME, ME, ME, ME!?! When it should be all about them. My mom and aunt and uncles who just lost a mother. My grandfather, who has alzhiemers and was completly dependent on his wife. How must they feel. I try to put myself in their shoes and I can't even begin to imagine what they're going through right now. I hate that I get so caught up in ME that it takes me hours to get over MYSELF and think about them. I'm trying to get it together here... they are what is most important right now. Not me, not feeling alone, not losing a grandmother... but those closest to her that she left behind. So I better get over myself and concentrate on them if I ever have any hopes of filling those proverbial grandmothers' shoes.

alone

It's times like these that I feel most alone. Which is silly really because I do realize how not alone I actually am. I have an amazing family. Great friends. I'm even slowly getting the whole God is always with you thing worked out in my head. Logically, intellectually I know that I'm not even close to being alone. So why do I feel so alone tonight? I'm sitting here in my borrowed bedroom while my mom cries herself to sleep in hers, while my friends sleep in their beds and God watches over from above. No one is here to hold my hand. There's no shoulder to cry on. No one to wipe away my tears. I can't reach over four hundred miles to hug my mom. I won't pick up the phone and wake my friends up at 1230 in the morning just to hear my sniffling. And God... all knowing and all powerful God... who's always there but not there... you can't reach out and touch him... can't pick up the phone and call him. Physically alone but not actually alone. Either way I'm not liking it tonight. Tonight I feel like a piece of me is missing. I can't exactly put my finger on what that piece is but it's definately left a hole in me... which could be why I am feeling so alone... when really, in reality, I'm not actually alone in this world at all.

living up to my name

The funny thing about life is that it couldn't exist without death. If there wasn't an opposite to living, life as we know it would cease to be. Death has to exist. Sometimes it's ugly and cruel and sometimes it's a blessing. Last October my grandmother passed away. This October my grandmother passed away. Same month, same event, different person. My mom called me tonight at 924 and the moment I heard her voice I knew something was wrong. By 925 life as I knew it was changed. Only a minutes difference but a world of change. I lost my last living grandmother, my mom lost her mom and best friend, my grandfather lost a wife and his caretaker... the world lost a wonderfully giving woman. The thing about my grandma was that she never gave up on people... she never once failed to forgive and give you your second, third or one hundreth chance. (hmmm, sounds familiar!) And she'd go above and beyond and out of her way to help the ones she loved. Christian, southern to the core, hardworking, kind, tough, and with a heart of gold. I carry her name with me too. I sorta like that my parents gave me the privilage of being able to carry a bit of both of my grandmothers around with me. Elizabeth May and the May was hers... and as I result I carry the name proudly. I might never live up to the names I was given but I kinda feel the responsibilty to try atleast for my late grandmothers' sake. (That was a plural grandmothers by the way.) I've experienced a lot of changes in my life lately... but that's what life is all about... inspite of all of it's changes and difficulties I feel blessed to even still have this fragile existance known as life. My grandmother doesn't. Her time here is thru. I for one think that she served her time well. She lived a life worth something. She always seemed to be trying to make life better for everyone else around her. A life lived for others... it's such a selfless concept... but she was a selfless woman. So in a way bits and pieces of her will live on...she'll live on in the lives of the people that she helped... as a result it's now our job to live a life that would make her proud. (Different post but same theme.) I can only hope that I'm up to the challenge of living a life such as that. A life of substance. A life that means something. My grandmothers have certainly left me with big shoes to fill... here's to hoping I can live up to their names.

What I've learned Wednesdays...

1) I could never be Catholic.

2) It usually takes me three of four times before I finally learn my lesson. And quite frankly, there are just some lessons that I'm probably never going to learn.

3) I forgive way to easily.

4) Pneumonia is contagious. At least bacterial pneumonia is.

5) Some people when they ask you a question don't really want to hear your answer. They just want you to give the typical response and tell them what they want to hear. When faced with this type of person and/or question respond with the unexpected... give them your honest-to-goodness truthful answer. Their reaction is guaranteed to be priceless.

6) I actually like marshmallows. For 26 years I never thought that I did.

You actually read this thing!

It's sorta scary to know that people actually read this silly thing. It always suprises me when people tell me "Oh yeah I read that on your blog." I stop and for a second I think, "oh shit," but that feeling soon passes and I'm okay with them seeing a glimpse of me at my happiest, saddest, craziest, or darkest moment. It's okay if people see all the different aspects of the "real" me. I'm not in to painting this marvalous, wonderful, beautiful picture of my life. Instead I'd like you to see my world as it really is. Despite all of it's flaws atleast I can fully claim it as mine. It's real. It's true. And in some way everyone can relate to that. Life isn't perfect. My words aren't always perfect. My grammer and spelling is certainly almost never perfect. Therefore my story isn't perfect. Which is good... Perfection is highly overrated anyway!

Baptisms and revelations

Sunday I attended my first ever Catholic mass. (to capatalize or not to capatalize Mass?? that is the question... okay let's capitalize it) Sunday I attended my first ever Catholic Mass. (okay that looks better!) Anyway. I realized that I could never be Catholic. To strict and rigid for me. To much tradition just for the sake of tradition. Not really my style but regardless of that fact this particular mass, October 11th, 2009 at oh let's say 1145 in the morning/early afternoon I learned something (or perhaps just finally remembered) something quite profound. I could probably go on for pages and pages elaborating and explaining the importance and grand meaning of this early morning revelation but for now will just let the idea and the greater question stand on it's on.

The question that we all too often ask ourselves is "What can God do for me?" when really the question that we should be asking is "What can I do for God?"

Six months!!!

Six months and counting!!! Can't believe that I've officially made it half a year on my own. What's more I can't believe that actually excites me. That I actually feel like this divorce has been a good thing. It's so strange to think back to the person that I was six months ago and realize that in many ways that person no longer exist. I'm no longer a wife. No longer someone's other half. For the first time in a long time I'm my own seperate person. And if by some weird twist of fate I could go back six months and have it all back I wouldn't take it. I don't want that life anymore. In fact, I'm actually sort of partial to the new one.

Suprises

Life is full of suprises. Some good, some bad and some that could pretty much go either way depending on how you choose to look at things. Last friday Brian suprised me. I won't go into detail because it's his story to tell and not mine... but he is really trying to turn his life around and (in his words not mine) find his way back to God. Of course I cried when I got off the phone with him. I'm just so proud of my (well used to be my) little man. I want him to be happy. I want him to succeed. I want him to have everything he has ever dreamed of. I want him to do great things. He deserves all of that and so much more. There's always going to be a special place in my heart for that kid. I'm always going to care about him. Always going to do what little I can to help him. I'm beginning to think that nothing in life ever happens by mistake... that maybe our God, the very God who Brian want to get closer to, has our whole life mapped out detail by detail. And everything has it's purpose. Just a week ago I never thought that I could learn something from Brian. But I did. I learned that I don't give God nearly enough thought. Oh sure I'll tell you I'm a Christian if you ask my religious preference and I might pray from time to time but actually putting some effort into learning who God is and what that means to me... nope, nada, none of that. And I'm thinking that maybe I should start. Now I'm not planning on going all hardcore, bible thumper, stand on the street corner and preach at you kind of Christian... but I should atleast give God a little consideration in my day to day life. And that my friends would be the lesson learned from Brian Lee Matthews the self-proclaimed athiest, king of all assholes... or atleast that is how he used to describe himself... I think he's using a little different discription these days and that surely is a gift from God that makes me incredible happy!

I should be doing homework but...

I have my mom's smile...

And my dad's eyes...
And somehow the face of a twelve year old!!!

What I've learned Wednesdays...

1) Don't put marshmallows in your pocket.

2) I'm almost twenty seven years old and have never had so much as a sip of alcohol and I realized that if you asked me why I don't drink I'd have no reason to give you. Other than that I never have so I don't. You'd think there would at least be some reason for it? Surely I must have some great philosophical, soul defining, deep dark secret kind of explanation? (Well... whenever I figure that one out I'll let you know.)

3) If the clutch isn't all the way to the floor my car will grind in fifth gear.

4) Apparently according to one of the three year olds, "I have chocolate hair." I sorta like that description.

5) I hate buying jeans.

6) Don't wait to the last minute to completely write an essay from start to finish. Because then you end up writing the damn thing until three in the morning. "Eight Hundred and Sixty Miles Worth of Dental Phobia" I'm sure it's quite the fascinating read!

7) No matter what I do or how careful I am I always cut myself whenever I shave my legs. Always!

8) I should never, ever, under in circumstances go with my first impulse.

the things we say

"Get out of the dirt."
"But..."
"No buts... we don't play in the dirt."
"But we're making a baby."
"You need sperm and an egg to make a baby... now get out of the dirt!"

As I'm walking away I'm thinking to myself "Did I really just say that to my two years olds?" And now I'm wondering how I'm going to explain it when one of my kids goes home and uses the word "sperm!"

Tonight

I feel lonely,
and that sucks.
I'm crying,
and believe me that sucks even more.
I hate to cry.
But even more than that I hate being lonely.
Most of the time I'm good...
Really...
I promise I am.
But every now and then...
I'm lonely.
I cry.
And I hate myself for it.

whatever happens, happens

"Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past... stop planning the future... stop trying to figure out exactly how we feel... stop deciding with our mind what we want our heart to feel and sometimes we just have to go with... whatever happens... happens."

What I've learned Wednesdays...

1) Candy corn is fantastic and apparently you can buy it year round not just around Halloween... who knew?!?!

2) I'll probably always opt for the cute Halloween costume over sexy. I'm just more comfortable with cute... besides cute can be sexy! Lady bugs are sexy! Right?

3) I am not a casual sex kind of girl. (And we'll just leave that revelation at that!)

4) Snickers icecream bars are pretty amazing, almost worth the nearly four dollars you pay for just for six of them.

5) If you don't know the rules to the game you better stick to the bench. Don't try to wing it or half ass it. People will assume you know the rules and ask you to play on their team for awhile but trust me... just sit this one out. If you choose to play anyway you'll only have yourself to blame when you lose, unknowingly cheat, or commit a flagrant foul and get ejected. And if halfway into the third quarter you decide the games not for you... well... you can always cut your loses, forfeit and move on. But your old teamate might not think the best of you for it.

6) Always tell the truth. And never accept less than the truth from someone else.

7) I don't think there is anything wrong with taking sex seriously. Some people do, some people don't... I just happen to be a definate DO on that one. And just because I take sex seriously doesn't mean I take everything seriously so don't confuse the two.

8) y=mx+b , y's only equal 0 , x's only is always undefined , and XOXO equals hugs and kisses

life the Elizabeth Readling way

My great-aunt Polly died yesterday... if anything in life ever puts things into perspective it's death. Suddenly you're reminded that this isn't a forever kinda thing we've got going here. It's time sensitive. And no one is getting out alive. In that sense I guess death is a good thing. It reminds us to live. To enjoy the time we have. To not dwell on what could have been or what should have been but to take what we are given and run with it. Losing my grandmother's sister is like losing one more link to my grandmother. My namesake was a fantastic woman... a fighter... early on in life she had more than her fair share of tough breaks and at a young age she carried the weight of the world on her shoulders... taking over raising her six younger brothers and sisters when her mother couldn't. Compared to her I am nothing. I've never faced the challenges she faced... never demonstrated the ultimate grace under pressure that was totally and completely her! Even though the big guy upstairs and I aren't nearly as close as we should be I def believe in something after this crazy ride called life. If my grandmother could look down and see me would she be proud of me? Would my grandfather? I'm not so sure of the answer to that question... I think it would be a little yes and a bit of no. I'm not sure if it's because of where I was raised or because of the people who helped to raise me but my values, beliefs and standards don't always match everyone elses. I think that my grandmother would want me to be proud of who and what I am... not ashamed... not feeling like I need to change myself to better fit in. Death reminds me of my grandmother. My grandmother reminds me of the way I should be living my life. I should be living it the Elizabeth Readling way. I should take everything that I learned from her and apply it to who I am and be proud of that... which hopefully would have made her proud to.

What I've learned Wednesdays...

1) I always have and will hate tuna fish... not only does it taste nasty but it smells nasty too!

2) If you don't wash the little smashed bug guts and body parts off the front of your car after awhile the acid in the remains of their disgusting little bodies will eat through your paint and you'll be forever driving around with a million little bug imprints on the front of your car!

3) Work plus school equals a fairly exhausted me!

4) My mom and I frequently don't see eye to eye. I'm beginning to learn how to listen to her opinion and take it for what it is... just an opinion... I'm making my own choices now... and just because something might disappoint her isn't reason enough not to do it.

5) Bullshit must be low in carbs. I should have gained twenty pounds just from how much of it I've been fed lately.

6) I'm naive (I haven't decided if this is going to be an asset or present a problem for me)

7) I'll probably always want to help Brian out. I guess when you've loved someone you want to see them do well in life, to succeed, to find happiness.

8) It's best to expect nothing from others...

9) ...but to expect everything from yourself.

when life breaks down...

"I wanted to write about the moment when all of your addictions no longer hide the truth from you. When your whole life breaks down. That's the moment when you have to somehow choose what your life is going to be about."

"Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves."

I find myself increasingly self examinate lately. I've always over thought things a bit much but now I think it's to the extreme. Not that it's necessarily a bad thing... I think it's important for me to honestly know who I am and where I'm at in this exact moment so that I can decide where I want to go. I'm all about moving forward lately. Overcoming things that hold me back... (though in truth it's mainly only myself that holds me back.) I don't want to walk through life day by day, aimlessly, never doing or being anything worthwhile. Because surely life was meant for more than that. Maybe I'm wrong... maybe their isn't really a purpose to life at all other than just to live it.... but if I'm wrong don't tell me... I'd like to think that there's more. That I'm more than just one more person wandering through life with no direction and no reason for being. I think it's been good for me to have to start all over again. Somehow I reached the age of 26 still in a bubble. Still fairly innocent and naive. I've never really had it tough... never struggled... never faced any real challenges. So in turn I am a person who gives up to easily, doesn't know how to rely only on myself, has no drive, no perseverence... usually when the going gets tough I just quit. But now I can't be that person... I don't want to be that person. And for that reason I'm glad that I've had to break my whole life down. Broken is good. Except now I am faced with the challenge of rebuilding it. I figure I can do one of two things. Sit and sulk about how my perfect fairy tale ending has gone out the window. Or I can embrace life as it is. Appreciate where I'm at and take this moment to "somehow choose what my life is going to be all about."

Broken

Tonight I might cry for all of the things that I've lost and for all of the issues that I've now gained. I'll cry and tell myself it's not fair. I'll want to scream and curse god for the unfairness of it all. Because now not only am I alone but I have all of these internal conflicts and insecurites that I'm suddenly coming to the realization that I've got to deal with. That it wasn't just my marriage that was broken but now I'm broken inside because of it. I'll probably cry myself to sleep tonight but when tomorrow comes I'll have to wash all traces of those tears away. Crying for myself isn't going to help. Feeling sorry for myself isn't going to get me anywhere. Crying in the end is useless. I am what I am now... but I don't have to be that me in the future. One night of dwelling on it is all that I'm allowed... after tonight I'll have to face who and what I've become head on. Remove the broken pieces and replace them with something new and improved. I can't use my divorce and bad marriage as a crutch. I'm the only person in charge of me. And if I'm broken then I'm in charge of fixing it. No excuses. There might be tears tonight... but in the morning I'm moving on.

me now...

I'm insecure.
At times I think I might be alone forever.
I don't feel beautiful.
I don't feel smart enough.
Or independent enough.
Or funny enough.
Or likable.
Deep down Brian leaving me made me feel unwanted.
Like I wasn't good enough.
Somedays I'm lonely.
Somedays I'm scared.
I don't talk about these things.
Don't want to admit that a big part of me is still broken inside.
It's easier to put on a smile.
Laugh at the appropiate times.
Make the appropiate responses.
Pretend that all is well and good.
That I'm whole.
Not still on the edge of the cliff.
Constantly trying to pull myself back.
I haven't cried in months.
But that's not because I haven't wanted to.
Maybe I should cry.
Cry for the girl I used to be.
Who was confident.
Didn't second guess everything.
Didn't cling on to people for dear life.
The girl who was innocent.
Who thought love really could conquer it all.
That life was fair.
The girl that I'll never be again.

a definate problem...

This is going to be a definate problem. I don't know how to read guys... I don't know what the hell they are really thinking... what they really want... I'm pretty much clueless. I guess that's what happens when you are with someone since you were eighteen yrs old til 26... you don't learn those basic skills so to speak. I'm probably going to have horrible luck trying to date. I'm going to say the wrong things and do the wrong things and expect the wrong things... I feel sorry for any guy that potentially crosses my path really. I'm probably going to put him through hell... which means no sane guy is going to stick around. Not to mention all of the issues I'm carrying over from my marriage!!! Wow... I'm going to be quite the catch... ummm not!!!! I hate this feeling like an idiot thing, this clueless, helpless, I make myself look like a total ass because I don't know what the hell I'm doing thing. Isn't there a self help book or something for this? Here's the sucky part though. I really want to date... see who else is out there...possibly meet the right guy for me one day. And this is where I insert the whole I want someone to find me likable not just do-able... well I guess do-able is ok as long as I'm likable too! I don't want to just be someone's good time... their fuck buddy so to speak. Not that there's anything wrong with that if that's your thing... but for me it's wrong... I want more out of someone than just that. I want to be looked at as more than that. Is that to much to ask for? Maybe it is and maybe I'll never find it but atleast I won't have settled for less than I'm looking for. Now if only I knew how the hell to go about finding what I want or what the hell to do with the guy if I did find him? Like I said- this is going to be a definate problem.

A little "Kung Fu Fighting" and all is right with the world.

So I have this two year old little boy in my class. Will call him J. Well I was soooo annoyed by him at first. I know annoyed by a two year old, who isn't right? But usually I love most of the two's in my class it's only very rarely that I just really find myself having a hard time liking a kid. Anyway. So J doesn't talk... he doesn't follow any direction... doesn't play with toys unless you count throwing them or knocking them off shelves playing with them. He doesn't play with the other kids unless of course you also count pushing, hitting, or trying to scratch the other kids "playing with them." And of course this week at the lovely old age of 26 I finally started back to school to finally finish what I began so very long ago. Which is pretty huge for me because school has never really been my thing... I was never one who just loved going to school. To say I was exhausted, grumpy, easily annoyed by everything this past week would have been a definate understatement. By Wednesday I was so over it. Pretty much thinking that I had gotten myelf in over my head by trying to work full time and go to school full time to. Yeah I know people do it all the time... I just never have... so I was feeling pretty overwhelmed and stress by it all. Let's insert J back into the story. Over the past two weeks I have been making a huge effort to spend lot's of one on one time with J. Trying to teach him words, get him to follow simple directions, not throw every toy he picks up across the room and not to full on attack all of his classmates that get to close to him. All my efforts seemed to be for nothing. Except that now J thinks I'm his best friend and follows me everywhere and screams any time I leave the room. FML... all I've done is make things more difficult and stressful for myself... not to mention that sadly I still can't really stand the kid. (Horrible I know!!!) Atleast this was before "Kung Fu Fighting." We have this Disney move it cd that has all of these old school songs on it. There's "Shout", "We will Rock you", "ymca" and of course "Kung Fu Fighting". The kids love this cd. Anyway. Wednesday I pop in this cd and here I am dancing around with the kids, looking like a hug idiot I'm sure, and carrying around J my new thirty plus pound best friend on my hip when Kung Fu fighting comes on. So now to totally add to my coolness factor I'm karate chopping and kicking with the best of them. All of a sudden J begans to laugh hysterically!!! No big deal right? Well this kid has been in my class for two or three months now and I hardly ever see him smile and I've most def never heard him laugh. Yet here he is with the biggest shit eating grin on his face... cracking up everytime I karate chop and follow it up with "Hii-ya" (Complete dork, I know) Suddenly I'm laughing with him and hitting repeat on the CD player and we're "kung fu fighting" over and over again. Then he raises his arm... does a little karate chop of his own... and says "hii-ya!!!!!!" And just that easy suddenly all is right with the world. My little J that never talks that never does anything just said a word other than bye-bye. And yes I'm counting "hii-ya" as a word I don't care what anyone says. Just to hear him laugh and actually process and learn something I was doing with him... one of the greatest feelings in the world. Suddenly I love this kid... this kid is the reason I do what I do... this kid is the reason I am exhausting myself going to school along with work. One little karate chop and I'm reminded that this is one of the things I want to do with my life. Working with special needs kids and being able to help them, teach them something, improve upon their life somehow. I don't care that I'm exhausted, that I have such a long way to go until I'm done with that hated thing called school. This is what life is all about. It's not just about me... it might sound corny but it's about doing what you were put here to do. And I guess in the grand scheme of things teaching one kid something as simple as a make believe word and yet another way to beat up on his friends with his new found karate chop ability doesn't mean much. But to him it did. To his family and speech therapist it did. To me it did. Of course now I am sick to death of hearing that stupid song but I'll continue to play it just to hear him laugh, say "hii-ya" and karate chop like a champ! Isn't it crazy that a little song like "kung fu fighting" can turn your whole outlook around! I suppose life is just funny that way

Back to school

Back to school tomorrow!!!! Sorta nervous and unsure of how I'm going to manage this one. Forty hours of work... four classes... hopefully I haven't gotten in over my head with this one!?!?

Days...

One hundred and forty days since he walked out of my life. One hundred and forty days that I've been on my own. Compared to the 1,928 that we were married or the 2,679 days that we spent together 140 doesn't sound like a lot. In some ways it seems like it was only 14 days ago yet in other ways it seems like 14,000. In life you've got to be grateful for all of your days... the 2,679 with him and the 140 without. That first number will never change... it's set in stone now but the 140... that's going to continue to grow. What suprises me is that I'm ok with that. Back in April I never thought I would make it here. To this place where I'm actually happy and ok with having 140 days seperate him and I. It's like that bullshit quote that people like to throw out at you all the time, something about "Don't dwell on your past or worry about your future because the past is no longer there and the future will take care of itself." (Or something random like that.) I suppose I could get behind a statement like that. It's a good way to strive to be... humanly impossible to follow completely but still a good idea in theory, (sorta like communism). But basically that is currently becoming my motto in life- not communism, the other thing. I'm trying not to worry. Because here's what I've realized- what will be is going to be. You only have so much control over things and the only control you have really is how you take things. It's not what hand your dealt in life but what you make of it... how you play it. So I'll take those 2,679 days and be thankful for all of the memories and all of the lessons living those days taught me. And I'll be forever grateful that I survived the past 140 days and that I am a better person for it. Just like I'll appreciate tomorrow and the next day and the next. You never know how many days you're given. I plan on enjoying them. Being happy. Doing something worthwhile with the time I'm given. Taking each day as it comes and just living it... you can't really ask for more out of life than that.

Dear Brian,

Here's what's sad... As I'm yelling at Brian over the phone today (yes, yet again he has managed to make me completely and totally pissed off) he says to me, "You really would just love to see me crash and burn wouldn't you. You want me to fail. That would make you happy wouldn't it?" No, Brian, it wouldn't make me happy. No, I don't want to see you fail. And no, I don't wish for you to crash and burn. Though you manage to piss me off more than any other person on this planet ever has- deep down I'll always want the best in life for you. You deserve to be happy. I'd love to see you succeed and do well. For you to have everything you ever wanted. For life to be everything you ever dreamed it would be. I can only hope that you would want the same for me. In your world you were always driven by hate. Hate for your mom. For your family. For where you come from. And hate for all that happened to you as a child. But don't be fueled by hate when it comes to me... you don't have to set out to prove me wrong... of all the people in this world I know that you can do it. That you deserve to do it. (Even though you may be an ass to me sometimes, you still deserve it!!!) I hope that one day you'll be able to see how much I really did and do care about you. That above all I just want you to be able to have the life that you want. Be happy. Don't let hate rule you or drive you. And don't settle for mediocre when I know you can be great.

Fate?

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end."

I went to the house today to get a few things. Mainly stuff for Mrs. Laura. (We work together and the kids call her Mrs. so by habit she's Mrs. Laura to me too!) Anyway. Laura is due to have her second baby girl this December and seeing as her first baby girl is nine she doesn't have any baby stuff left over from her first one. Sooooooo I'm sure you can see where this post is going. To reference back to the first ever post I typed on here right after I lost my baby...

"You were never here but you have things. A toy aquarium. Bibs. Books. Halloween and Christmas outfits you were supposed to wear. There all here. Packed away in a box. Placed in a closet. Your stuff is here. But you're not. You'll never get to use it. I save it. Save it for the baby we still hope to have. Yet that baby won't be you. Will I find it weird that they're using your things. I can't bring myself to get rid of it. And why keep it if I'm not going to use it. It's just that I wanted you to use it. That's my problem I still want for what can't be. Will I ever move out and away from the past?"

To answer that last question.... yes, I'm finally moving on from what might have been. And I no longer want for what can never be. So now I pass all of my baby's things on. Brand new and unused. It doesn't make since just to let them sit in a closet collecting dust when Laura could defiantely use them for her baby girl. I have no use for them. My baby that only ever existed inside of me doesn't need them. It's selfish just to hold onto things just because letting go is so hard. So I'll hand the boxes over to her- the clothes, books, toys, and even the crib. And I'll smile like it isn't hard to let these things go. Smile and pretend that it isn't hurting me. Smile and not let on that I might cry about it later. Smile because it's the right thing to do. Maybe this is completing the circle. Maybe her baby is who life and fate intended to have these things all along. Yeah, maybe it's fate. And you can't argue with fate... only smile... grin and bear it and go wherever it wants to lead you.

too damn nice

I can't stay mad at Brian. I can't hate Brian. I can't not forgive Brian. It's even to the point of where I feel bad for speaking the truth and saying bad things about Brian. I hate that about myself... the whole I can't hold a grudge - I can't hate you - I can't stay mad at you - I'll just put aside all of the crappy shit you've done and forget it- I'll forgive you part of me. Some people might consider it a personality flaw. One that ends up getting me fucked over, walked on and used. Flaw or not it's who I am and I guess I've just got to roll with it. Accept myself for what I am and stop trying to change things. So I'm not ever going to be a cold hard bitch. Oh well. I'm sure there's worse things in life than just being to damn nice!

this moment

"Breath. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure."

Do I want to spend this moment stressing, worrying, over thinking, analyzing and questioning everything? I really only want one thing out of life... it's nothing big, extravagant or complicated... I just want to be happy. Here and now. In this moment. I don't want to think about tomorrow or dwell on yesterday. I just want to be here, living in the present and not long for anything more or less. So that's the plan. To live in the moment. Appreciate each day for what it is. Smile. Laugh. Love. Not worry where life is taking me. Just enjoy the ride and trust that wherever I am is exactly where I am supposed to be.

Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed... that's how I'm feeling right now. Overwhelmed and just wishing that all this shit was over and done with already. I'm tired of stressing about all of the financial aspects of everything. Tired of getting pissed and upset whenever Brian doesn't pay something... or actually nothing... he's paying nothing. No mortgage payments. Ran up the cable bill in my name... which I paid. Didn't pay me his portion of the car insurance this past month which of course I also paid. And who knows if he's paying the loan on his totaled motorcycle. I'm just tired of all of his bad decisions still being able to affect me. Tired of only being able to sit here and do nothing as my credit score gets all shot to hell. Tired of actually caring. I hate that I let everything get to me so much. That I worry and feel completely shitty and end up with migraines because I dwell on everything.
He finally dropped the divorce paperwork off yesterday. And even though he is the petetioner and the one who is actual filing I guess it's on me to fill out all of the info and get everything in order for him to take back, sign and have notarized. Yet another responsibilty that falls on me. Not to mention that he can't afford the total cost right now... so I'll help him pay... actually I'll pay for the whole damn thing if that's what it takes to get it done. Hell I'd figure out a way to walk on water if that's what it took to put all of this behind me.
Sometimes I wonder though how I'm going to be when I do finally come out on the other side of this. I worry what lasting effects it might have on me and not just financially speaking. I've never been a person who liked being alone... but now that I am... I'm afraid that I'm going to have trouble ever putting myself out there again. Trouble trusting. Being alone seems preferable to trusting someone again only to possibly end up right back here in this place. I don't ever want to be here again. I know in life there are no sure things, no guarentees... but still is it worth the risk? I don't want to be that person. The bitter ex wife. Man hater. Cynical. Afraid to ever fall in love. I used to believe in happily ever after. I used to want a family. Husband. Kids. A little house. Nothing big... just your average typical everyday life. I still want that one day but I'm afraid that I'll never let myself have it. That I'm going to put up this wall around myself. Try to protect myself from anyone who has the potential to hurt me or let me down. How do you stop yourself from closing your feelings in? How do you step out there on the ledge knowing that if you jump someone might not catch you in the end? For now I guess I'll just take it day by day. Try to stop obsessing and worrying over financial things that I have no control over. Fill out the divorce papers as fast as humanly possible so I can get to the other side. And when I finally do arrive there hopefully I won't be cynical and jaded and everything else will just fall into place.

Priceless!!!

$400 of my first pay check after the split
$224 for cable
$111 for car insurance
$35 belt for the jeep that I bought him and dropped off
Finally getting divorced from him....
That will be priceless!!!!

Learning my lesson.

You'd think by now I would have learned my lesson. Seriously. I feel like I'm one of those women who gets punched in the face by their significant other and then just keeps going back for more. How many times do I need Brian to lie to me before I get it through my head that I can't trust a word he says? How many times do I need to have Brian not pay something before I stop being so completely shocked when I find out I now have some bill ran up in my name? How many times does he need to show me that he's selfish and doesn't really give a shit about me??? How many times? I mean, really, obviously I need someone to yell at me or slap me so I can get a grip on reality here. Why do I feel the need to go out of my way to help him out when he so obviously wouldn't go out of his way to help me.
Here's what I don't get. We spent eight years of our lives together. How can you spend that much time with a person and still not care about them in someway. We might not be married. We might not be quote "in love". But I still care about him. I'm still honest with him. I still want the best for him. I still would help him out in anyway I could. It's just a hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that he wouldn't do the same for me. He might say he would... but he wouldn't... it just sucks to come to the realization that someone who was your husband once and your best friend for years and years could really care less about you. It's better to face reality though than run from it and that's the reality- he doesn't really give a damn. But then again that's Brian. He prides himself on not giving a damn and if I were to call him an asshole he'd consider it a compliment so what can you do with that really... not much... he is who is... and I am who I am... so I'll care and he won't and so the cycle will continue until I finally learn that caring is one thing, but acting on it is another... so here's to hopefully, finally, maybe breaking the cycle. But if I don't learn my lesson this time I'll only have myself to blame the next time he screws me over!!!

Three months down!

Three months ago life as I knew it ended and my world was turned upside down. Now three months on the other side of it all I'm slowly sorting things out. Here's what I've discovered...

I have the best family and friends ever. The past year with Brian I had slowly closed myself off from everyone and only now am I beginning to realize how much I was missing. I've lived more in the past three months than I did in the past year with Brian. And not because I've done big huge extravagant things but rather I've enjoyed all of the small little everyday things that I had closed myself off to. I think I was pretty much numb and I'm slowly waking up to the world. I can honestly say that most days I am happy. I laugh alot. Smile alot. I'm optimistic. I'm doing things just for me. I'm going back to school to finish my degree in special education and I'm excited about that. Some days I'm lonely but that's to be expected. I still don't do so well with to much free time on my hands. Which is weird because I used to like having lot's of free time... I didn't like having my days full of things to do. Now the busier I am the better. I've made it through the first three months. And though they weren't the best three months of my life I'm glad that I was forced to live them. I appreciate things so much more. I might have fallen apart at first. Had a few less than steller moments the first six weeks or so. A couple emotional breakdowns where I could have easily been considered slighty to mostly crazy. (Sorry to those who had to endure those moments!!) But falling apart a little bit was good. Because I learned that I could pick up the pieces and put myself back together again. Move forward on my own and be a better person for it. More of the person that I want to be. For only being three months out I think I'm doing pretty okay... and for right now atleast, okay sounds pretty damn good to me!

There's no place like home

It's family and old friends... cheerwine and North Carolina barbecue... little two lane roads that you can race down with no traffic... fields of corn and pastures of cows... homemade ice cream churned the old fashioned way... muggy summer days spent at the park or out on the lake... lightning bugs and opossums on the back porch... it's sweet tea, cookouts and a lazier pace of life... it's Friday nights with nothing to do and a run down mall with nothing to buy... it's my old bedroom still sporting my crappy paint job, my grandmother's piano that I play pitifully, dad fixing waffles for breakfast and mom buying me yet another pair of shoes and joking around with my little (but now bigger than me) brother... it's a few summer days spent at HOME.
I'm storing my ruby red slippers in the back of my closet because I know that there will come a day (maybe years from now) when I'm finally going to be able to slip them on, click my heels three times and thankfully go home to stay.

Right where I need to be

Not really sure what governs us... fate, God, chance, a little bit of Karma, a lot of luck... who knows really. What I do know is this. Whoever or whatever set about the chain of events this past April was right on target. I honestly feel like where I am right now is where I'm supposed to be. The same goes for Brian. Tonight he told me he was seeing someone. And how did I feel about that? Probably not the typical reaction, because I was happy for him. He needs a good girl in his life. He deserves to be happy and for now she makes him happy- that can't be a bad thing. That's why I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be... if I wasn't I don't think I could feel that way. I'm doing okay on my own and that not only suprises me but makes me happy as well. I don't feel like the same girl who just a month ago was bawling her eyes out sitting in the empty bathtub at Brian's house causing a ridiculus drama filled scene. The girl who was deathly afraid of being alone. All of the desperation and tears seem like so long ago. I feel like I'm finally in control. Like I've finally got my shit together. Right now at this point in my life I'm supposed to be alone. I need to learn how to rely only on myself... become a whole person not just somebodies other half. It's funny how life works... Brian wanted to be alone and I didn't... now I'm alone and he's not... but somehow I think we both got what we needed.

lyrics...

"I tried to help you once

Against my own advice

I saw you going down

But you never realized

That you're drowning in the water

So I offered you my hand

Compassions in my nature

But tonight is our last stand...

Cause you're drowning in the water

And I tried to grab your hand

I left my heart open

But you didn't understand...

I can't help you fix yourself

But atleast I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I've got to move on with my own life

I tear my heart open

I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care to much."

Cooking Adventures

I probably shouldn't be trusted with sharp objects but since chopping onions doesn't bring tears to my eyes I got elected knife duty!!!

Somehow I managed to live twenty six years on this earth without ever eating goulash!! What a tradgedy! I probably never ate it because I'm picky and base a lot of what I like or don't like by how it looks. It isn't the prettiest food by far, but you know, it wasn't half bad.

Brittany herself thought it was pretty damn tasty!!!

a magic wand and a hammer

The other week @ work when I was still upset and overwhelmed by everything I was talking to Ms. Brittany about how I felt like my life was just falling apart around me and I just didn't know how to fix it. All of a sudden one of my kids blurts out, "I'll fix it!!"
"You're going to fix Ms. Elizabeth's life?" Brittany asked him.
"Yep."
"How are you going to fix it?" I asked.
"With a magic wand."
"A magic wand?"
"Yep. A magic wand... and a hammer."
So now I've just got to find a store that sells magic wands and hammers and I'll be set!!!

possibilites

"I've learned that you can keep on going, long after you think you can't."



I'm all alone. I don't really know what tomorrow will bring, or next week or even next year for that matter. I need a better job... which means I've got to actually go back to school (and school and I didn't particularly get along so well the first go around.) I'll be working full time. Going to school full time. Supporting myself all on my own. Just a month ago I was scared to death by the thought of all of this... now I'm just determined. Determined to make it work. Excited by the possibilties. Excited that I get to make my own choices. Excited that for the first time in a long time I get to think about what I want and go after it. Live life just for me. I no longer feel like I'm just going through the motions, blindly putting one foot in front of the other. I'm actually feeling like I've got a handle on things. That little voice in my head that I forced onto repeat "I can do this, I can do this, I can do this" is actually speaking the truth now. I don't feel lost just because I'm own my own. Being alone was my biggest fear... but here I am a wife without a husband, a 26 soon to be divorcee and you know what I've realized... you're never really alone. I've got an amazing family, a handful of pretty freaking awesome friends, great co-workers, and a class full of two year olds that I absolutely adore. I feel blessed for all I do have. Blessed that I have the chance to start over. Blessed that I'm here and I 'm whole and I'm doing okay. And blessed for all the great things yet to come my way.

sooo frustrating

When Brian and I split we both agreed that he was going to keep the house, make the mortgage payments and we would have my name removed from the mortgage and the house would be his. I don't make enough to carry the mortgage on my own so it was either Brian keep the house or we sale the house. He said he wanted the house. He said that he would make the mortgage payments himself... The only problem being what he says and what he actually does usually turns out to be two seperate things. "I promise I paid it last month." "Well I actually only paid half of it last month." And finally when I double check with the mortgage company myself it's "I couldn't pay it last month and I haven't paid it this month either." So of course I'm pretty pissed by this point, I think anyone in my shoes would have been. Only I think he's even more pissed than I am only it's at me for quote "bothering him and getting all up in his shit." Well guess what... like it or not the mortgage is my "shit" too until my name is off of it so if you don't want me bothering you pay the damn thing!!! Of course he has excuses of why he couldn't pay (which I won't go in to) And of course being me I even contemplated helping him cover the mortgage. But I feel like that would just be throwing money down a black hole because I don't even live there and I wouldn't have enough to cover the whole mortgage or the past owed amount anyway. And who's to say if he's going to pay it next month or the next... yet the alternative is having a forclosure on my credit. The other choice is to put the house up for sale which he refuses to do. Oh what to do, what to do?? I'll be so glad when we aren't tied together financially anymore. It just sucks that what he does or doesn't do still has such a huge inpact on me... if only I could have known three and a half years ago what I know now I would have never bought that house with him. But hindsight is 20/20 or so they say. Either way now I'm stuck with a house that I don't want and can't afford to pay for. While he lives in the house that he supposedly wants but isn't paying for. Ahhhhhhhhh.... soooo frustrating!!

finding joy...

I love working with two year olds. The joy that they find in the simplest things always amazes me. With everything that has been going on in my life lately it's nice to just take a day at work and have fun with my kids. They help me find joy in everyday life. And they remind me that it's the small things that count. When everything seems difficult sometimes it's best to just make things simple. I feel blessed that I get to spend my days working with kids that I adore. With kids who are just in awe of days spent building sandcastles and running through the sprinkler. Who get so excited about sidewalk chalk and blue snowcones. And who think the coolest thing ever is jumping in a huge inflatable bounce house with their dorky teacher. Hopefully I can learn a thing or two from my silly group of two year olds. Find some joy in the little things around me. And try to enjoy every new adventure that comes my way.

Stay or go?

This week I have felt so homesick. Homesick for North Carolina and my family... it's so hard to know what the right thing to do is. Do I stay or do I go? Stay or go? Stay or go? I've asked myself this question a million times. I just wish there was a clear cut right or wrong answer. I want a big billboard to point me in the right direction. Some sign that makes the answer obvious. I'm trying to be strong and hang in there... but lately that's all that it feels like I'm doing... barely hanging on. So... do I stay or do I go?

goodbye Brian

I've got to tell Brian goodbye. He doesn't want me as his wife and for now atleast I can't be his friend. Goodbyes suck. Especially goodbyes that you never thought you'd have to say... goodbyes that you never wanted. But this goodbye is good for me. I need the closure. I need lot's of space and time and distance between what we use to be and what we're going to be... I'm hoping to one day reach the point where I feel like we can be friends... but right now I just don't feel like that's possible for me. It's hard not to pick up the phone and call him. Hard not to worry about him. Hard not to talk to him at all. After over eight years of being in constant contact with a person it's hard to just suddenly..... stop! Right now though stopping is good. It's too hard on me otherwise. I've got to completely let go. I'm finding it alot harder to let go of my "best friend Brian" than my "husband Brian" but somehow I've got to find the strength to let go of them both. I want to move on with my life and I can't do that by holding on to the past. If you know Brian you'll know that Brian pretty much gets whatever Brian wants. With that being said we might as well end it like we lived it (aka- me giving in and letting him have his way). He wanted me to let him go... so I am... completely.

next time around...

In my next life I want to be that hard-core tough complete bitch of a girl... things would be soooooo much easier!!

what I do know...

I might not know much but as of today this is what I do...
~This whole divorce thing isn't going to be easy and it's not going to be something I get over in a month. For Brian it seems a piece of cake... for me is definately one of the hardest things I've ever done. It's going to take some time for me to realize that Brian isn't going to be there for me anymore. I guess when you share your life with someone for over eight years it's hard to turn and walk away.
~Hard or not I've got to walk away. I've got to stop looking back and trying to hang on to bits and pieces of him... I've got to completely let him go. Hopefully one day we'll be able to be friends but right now I've got to put as much distance between him and I as possible.
~As easy as it would be for me to run home to North Carolina and let my parents take care of me I can't do that. I'm twenty six years old and I think it's past time for me to be able to stand on my own two feet. The easy path isn't the one I'm going to let myself walk.
~I'm going to have days when it's all I can do to put one foot in front of the other but that's exactly what I'm going to have to force myself to do... one step at a time. I'm by far not the toughest girl around but I've got to atleast pretend to be.
~I'm going to make lot's of mistakes but I'm sure even those will have a purpose to get me where I need to be. I was never a big believer in "Everything happens for a reason," but I'm starting to have a little more faith in that whole statement.
~In the long run I'm going to be okay. I've just got to survive the journey til I get there.

Moved out!

I'm officially moved out!! Yesterday I was so unsure of myself... overwhelmed by everything and now today things don't seem that bad. I'm just glad that I actually was able to do it... to pack up and leave and not look back. Trust me, there were a few moments there when I didn't think I was going to be able to. I think it made it even harder to be moving my things out while also helping Brian move his things back in. It's his house now. And I'm homeless. (Well not technically because my name is still on the mortgage but as far as I'm concerned that house is no longer mine.) It's strange to go from having an entire 1500 square foot house to only having a bedroom in someone else's home. Yesterday was harder than I thought it would be... but today is easier than I thought it would be. Figure that one out? I'm learning that I bounce back quickly from things. That I'm actually capable of doing more on my own than I give myself credit for. And that's a good feeling. Maybe I'll be alright after all? I guess only time will tell but atleast for today I'm fine... and I'm going to run with that feeling...maybe I've got a little bit of inner strength after all.

the last day

So I'm spending my last few hours ever in this house. As of tonight I will no longer live here. I will no longer sleep here. I will no longer eat here. I will no longer do anything here... this day has been hard. Brian came to clean up and help me take the bed apart and move stuff downstairs so it'll be easier to take out and move. I cried and cried. Which sucks because I hadn't cried in over a week and I was liking the no major emotional breakdown thing!! I knew today would be hard. I just didn't realize how hard. Suddenly I feel homeless. I'm scared of what the future will bring... of not knowing what is around the corner for me. I just want to curl up into a little ball, huddle in a corner and stop the world for a while. Sadly I don't get that option. I really wish that I was tougher, stronger somehow. That I could just do what I needed to do without even blinking an eye. No tears. Just face the future fearlessly. Strong or not I've got to move forward. I'm going to have to move my stuff out one box at a time, close the door and drive away. I just don't have a choice... and while admitting defeat and finding some dark corner of the world to hide in might be all I want to do right now... I can't let myself do it. Life is like that sometimes. You don't always get to do what you want to do. Sometimes you have to do the opposite of what you want to do. And sometimes you have to do the very thing that you never thought you'd be able to do.

too nice??

Is it possible for Brian and I to walk away from this whole thing and still remain really good friends? For years Brian was my best friend. More than losing a husband I feel like I'm losing my best friend too. I know that being friends isn't the easiest thing... it would take a lot of work and effort... but I can't just see myself cutting Brian out of my life completely. I don't see myself ever not caring about him. Sure it'll be in a different way but still... it's just all so complicated. People keep telling me I should hate him. Take him for everything he's got and not look back... but I can't do that. That's not me. I keep getting told that I'm being to nice... but I don't know any other way to be. I'm finding it hard because I think I care too much. I want him to be happy. I want him to have a good life, but it's like I see him on this crash course for disaster and... it's just hard for me to not try and help him. I've always had this misguided notion that I had to save Brian, but it's not my job to save him. I probably did more harm than good all of these years thinking that he needed me to save him. I mean how fucked up in the head must I be to actually sit here and care what happens to the guy who just up and bailed on our marriage, spent my entire last paycheck like it was his money, is out partying it up living the good life and sleeping with everyone and their sister? Guess I'm pretty f-up because despite all that I do care and I don't think that's going to change. But somehow I've got to distance myself from that. I've got to step back and let him live his life however he thinks is best. And whether I agree or think he's destined for disaster doesn't matter because it's his life and therefore it's his to live. I've got enough to worry about without throwing his issues into the mix. I really wish there was an on and off switch for these things. I'd turn off caring and turn on hating his guts because I think that is the reaction that is expected of me. But I don't want to be bitchy. I don't want to be petty. I don't want to hate him for going after what he thinks will bring him happiness. And maybe it will bring him happiness. Or maybe it won't. Either way I've got to be okay with it... I'm not Brian's savior anymore... I don't think I should have ever tried to be.

damn yo-yo

I'm so tired of feeling unstable. I'm up. I'm down. I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm like a damn yo-yo. One minute the whole world seems like shit and the next minute it's sunshine and rainbows and all things wonderful and promising. Some people say that happiness is a choice... well I'm choosing to be happy... so why are there times when it's just out of my reach. I'm trying here. (Don't I score points or get an award for trying?) Some days it's all I can do to drag myself out of bed and face the day. But I'm managing... forcing myself to go through the motions. I block out the tears and smile... half the time I'm faking it. Pretending to be alright when really I'm stressed and sad and scared and negative and... I could go on and on. I'm fighting back the depression that I can feel closing in on me. It's just so damn hard sometimes. Yeah I know, no one ever promised it would be easy and supposedly it's the tough times that make you strong... but I don't feel very strong... I'm not very strong. How long am I going to be able to keep up the charade? When is it all going to come tumbling down on top of my head? Can I pretend myself into reality? If I go through the motions enough will it suddenly become easier?
And then I'll have these little break through moments when suddenly everything seems okay. I'll smile. I'll laugh.. I'll actually enjoy a moment and my world seems to right itself and I'll think... "Okay. I've got this. I can do this. I can handle whatever life throws my way."
I'm hoping that those moments are soon going to outweigh the bad... but as long as I'm getting a few rays of sunshine coming my way I suppose I can keep dragging myself through the dark times... I guess I kind of have to. I don't really have any other choice. I have to keep forcing myself through life. The alternative would be completely falling apart and as hard as I've work to keep myself glued, stitched, or pieced together I'll be damned if I fall apart now. I refuse to shatter. Smiling or crying I'm going to keep moving forward. I have to... and sometimes it's as simple (and complicated) as that.