going places

I'm about to return to a place that holds one of the most painful memories for me. The place where I was told for the third and final time that my baby was indeed gone. No heartbeat. No movement. No chance. The place where I had to say goodbye to my future child and undergo the surgury that would forever seperate us, atleast in this life anyway. Today I return to that place to see Olivia Laura Askew born yesterday on friday the 13th about a month early but otherwise healthy. It might be a little hard to put one foot in front of the other in that place. But Laura is one of my best friends. She's an amazing mom and a great woman and I can't let my memories and past pain take anything away from the absolute miracle and joy that her new baby should be. I can't control some of the circumstances of my life but I def can control how I choose to react to them. And I choose to view this as a full circle kinda thing... maybe a little extra closure for me. She was born one month exactly to the day of the two year mark of when I had to let my baby go. It's the same hospital. She's going to sleep in the same crib that my little one would have slept in. Wear some of the clothes that were bought to be his/hers. Eventually play with what was to be my baby's toys. In a small way, even though my baby never took a breath or lived seperatedly from me little Olivia has things from them. It's like a little gift from baby angel Matthews to baby girl Askew. For a little baby that never got to be in this world, being able to share their things with another is a small little miracle in itself. A little extra reminder of his or her existance.... so I might be shedding a few tears on my laptops keypad now... but I'm simply going to take a deep breath... get up and walk away from here... wash my face and all traces of those tears away... because I'm choosing to smile... to visit Laura and her baby girl and only take the absolute joy and miracle of it all away with me. I'm choosing not to let sadness, anger, or the whole how I just wish things could have been different feeling overtake me.... okay....so.... deep breath.... click publish post.... and here I go...