damn yo-yo

I'm so tired of feeling unstable. I'm up. I'm down. I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm like a damn yo-yo. One minute the whole world seems like shit and the next minute it's sunshine and rainbows and all things wonderful and promising. Some people say that happiness is a choice... well I'm choosing to be happy... so why are there times when it's just out of my reach. I'm trying here. (Don't I score points or get an award for trying?) Some days it's all I can do to drag myself out of bed and face the day. But I'm managing... forcing myself to go through the motions. I block out the tears and smile... half the time I'm faking it. Pretending to be alright when really I'm stressed and sad and scared and negative and... I could go on and on. I'm fighting back the depression that I can feel closing in on me. It's just so damn hard sometimes. Yeah I know, no one ever promised it would be easy and supposedly it's the tough times that make you strong... but I don't feel very strong... I'm not very strong. How long am I going to be able to keep up the charade? When is it all going to come tumbling down on top of my head? Can I pretend myself into reality? If I go through the motions enough will it suddenly become easier?
And then I'll have these little break through moments when suddenly everything seems okay. I'll smile. I'll laugh.. I'll actually enjoy a moment and my world seems to right itself and I'll think... "Okay. I've got this. I can do this. I can handle whatever life throws my way."
I'm hoping that those moments are soon going to outweigh the bad... but as long as I'm getting a few rays of sunshine coming my way I suppose I can keep dragging myself through the dark times... I guess I kind of have to. I don't really have any other choice. I have to keep forcing myself through life. The alternative would be completely falling apart and as hard as I've work to keep myself glued, stitched, or pieced together I'll be damned if I fall apart now. I refuse to shatter. Smiling or crying I'm going to keep moving forward. I have to... and sometimes it's as simple (and complicated) as that.