Learning my lesson.

You'd think by now I would have learned my lesson. Seriously. I feel like I'm one of those women who gets punched in the face by their significant other and then just keeps going back for more. How many times do I need Brian to lie to me before I get it through my head that I can't trust a word he says? How many times do I need to have Brian not pay something before I stop being so completely shocked when I find out I now have some bill ran up in my name? How many times does he need to show me that he's selfish and doesn't really give a shit about me??? How many times? I mean, really, obviously I need someone to yell at me or slap me so I can get a grip on reality here. Why do I feel the need to go out of my way to help him out when he so obviously wouldn't go out of his way to help me.
Here's what I don't get. We spent eight years of our lives together. How can you spend that much time with a person and still not care about them in someway. We might not be married. We might not be quote "in love". But I still care about him. I'm still honest with him. I still want the best for him. I still would help him out in anyway I could. It's just a hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that he wouldn't do the same for me. He might say he would... but he wouldn't... it just sucks to come to the realization that someone who was your husband once and your best friend for years and years could really care less about you. It's better to face reality though than run from it and that's the reality- he doesn't really give a damn. But then again that's Brian. He prides himself on not giving a damn and if I were to call him an asshole he'd consider it a compliment so what can you do with that really... not much... he is who is... and I am who I am... so I'll care and he won't and so the cycle will continue until I finally learn that caring is one thing, but acting on it is another... so here's to hopefully, finally, maybe breaking the cycle. But if I don't learn my lesson this time I'll only have myself to blame the next time he screws me over!!!