Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed... that's how I'm feeling right now. Overwhelmed and just wishing that all this shit was over and done with already. I'm tired of stressing about all of the financial aspects of everything. Tired of getting pissed and upset whenever Brian doesn't pay something... or actually nothing... he's paying nothing. No mortgage payments. Ran up the cable bill in my name... which I paid. Didn't pay me his portion of the car insurance this past month which of course I also paid. And who knows if he's paying the loan on his totaled motorcycle. I'm just tired of all of his bad decisions still being able to affect me. Tired of only being able to sit here and do nothing as my credit score gets all shot to hell. Tired of actually caring. I hate that I let everything get to me so much. That I worry and feel completely shitty and end up with migraines because I dwell on everything.
He finally dropped the divorce paperwork off yesterday. And even though he is the petetioner and the one who is actual filing I guess it's on me to fill out all of the info and get everything in order for him to take back, sign and have notarized. Yet another responsibilty that falls on me. Not to mention that he can't afford the total cost right now... so I'll help him pay... actually I'll pay for the whole damn thing if that's what it takes to get it done. Hell I'd figure out a way to walk on water if that's what it took to put all of this behind me.
Sometimes I wonder though how I'm going to be when I do finally come out on the other side of this. I worry what lasting effects it might have on me and not just financially speaking. I've never been a person who liked being alone... but now that I am... I'm afraid that I'm going to have trouble ever putting myself out there again. Trouble trusting. Being alone seems preferable to trusting someone again only to possibly end up right back here in this place. I don't ever want to be here again. I know in life there are no sure things, no guarentees... but still is it worth the risk? I don't want to be that person. The bitter ex wife. Man hater. Cynical. Afraid to ever fall in love. I used to believe in happily ever after. I used to want a family. Husband. Kids. A little house. Nothing big... just your average typical everyday life. I still want that one day but I'm afraid that I'll never let myself have it. That I'm going to put up this wall around myself. Try to protect myself from anyone who has the potential to hurt me or let me down. How do you stop yourself from closing your feelings in? How do you step out there on the ledge knowing that if you jump someone might not catch you in the end? For now I guess I'll just take it day by day. Try to stop obsessing and worrying over financial things that I have no control over. Fill out the divorce papers as fast as humanly possible so I can get to the other side. And when I finally do arrive there hopefully I won't be cynical and jaded and everything else will just fall into place.