simply surviving

Somedays you simply survive. From start to finish you're just glad that you made it through. Today was one of those days. My family laid my grandmother to rest today. Today we offically said goodbye. Today was in my mother's own words, "the hardest day of her life." I hated every moment of it but I wouldn't have chosen to be anywhere else. Today my mom needed me. My family needed me. My dad, as he remembered the loss of his mom just one short year ago, needed me. I don't think of myself as strong. As independent. As someone who can hold it together. Capable of carrying others along. Today I had to be all of that and more. I had to stand there, tears in my own eyes, wiping my mothers tears away. I had to hold her hand. Give my dad a reassuring hug. Smile and help my brother along. Many times all 108 pounds of me had to literally hold my mom up on her feet. Whisper encouragement to her. Help her place one foot in front of the other as we followed behind my grandmother's casket. At times I held her to me like I do the little kids in my class simply because she needed me to. I had to be her rock. I had to be strong for her. I had to help her survive this worst moment of her life. I wanted to crumble. I wanted to run and hide. I wanted to fall apart, because seeing my mom hurt like that was heartbreaking. Coming undone wasn't an option for me. I couldn't lean on anyone... not when my mom needed to lean on me. I'll never forget today... nor the moments that made me realize that I really am grown up now. That at times I really can be all I need to be and more. I never wanted to live today... but perhaps I had to... it helped me see a glimspe of what I'm really made of... I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. Today and the past six months have taught me that... or maybe it's the opposite... maybe the past six months and today is what has made me strong... either way... it may have been one of the hardest things I've had to do but I'm glad that I was able to stand side by side with my mom and be the person who she needed me to be. I'll never forget today. And I'll always be thankful that my family and I simply managed to survive it.