Dear Cancer,

Microglandular Adenosis Carcinoma

I am not really sure how I feel about you yet. Sure I dislike you, probably hate you but I'm trying not to judge you to harshly yet and give you the benefit of the doubt. Supposedly you are a lazy cancer, so I definitely appreciate your slowness. And I am hoping that you chose to expose your existence very early on in the game. If not and you've been hiding we are going to have words about that and I am sure that at least on my part they won't be very nice words. And quite frankly I am very upset that, at the very least, my mom is going to lose a part of herself because of you. All I can ask really is that you be content with what my mom is having to give you and chose not claim anything else. I promise you and I will be on somewhat good terms if you go completely away after surgery. If not and you have chosen to stick around know that you are going to have a hell of a fight on your hands. I would suggest giving up and waving the white flag of surrender now. It'll be easier on both parties that way.

And ps- I love my mom and I am not letting you take her!

Sincerely yours,

Elizabeth

suprises

Life is full of surprises.

Some good.

Others bad.

And sometimes life likes to get really tricky with these suprises and throw you two at once...

The good... a certain someone named Gregory.

The bad... my mommy has cancer.

Which leaves me at a total loss of what to say or how to feel. Part of me can't stop smiling. Part of me can't stop crying.

To have life give you a new love but threaten to take away an old one is cruel.

Or is it a blessing?

Or perhaps a wake up call?

For now all I know to do is focus on life and love itself. The old and the new. And prayerfully hope that life is going to let me enjoy both simultaneously for many more years to come.

Who i am hates who i've been

What I've learned Wednesdays...

Whenever I stay at Dave’s (which less face it- that’s 90% of the time) I have a 30 to 40 minute ride to work depending on the traffic. Never before have I had road rage quite like this drive has made me develop.
I’m almost to work this morning when traffic starts slowing down. I’m going 20 in a 45 and my good temper is fading fast.
I really just want to yell. “Seriously people can’t you just drive. How hard is it? Foot on the pedal and… Oh!”
I look to my left and there in the median is a flock of geese. There must have been twenty of them at least. They had managed to cross my side of the road and now appeared to be stuck, because unlike the good Samaritans that I had just previously been yelling at in front of me, the oncoming traffic didn’t appear to be pausing or slowing for any type of geese crossing anytime soon.
So there they were, huddled in a pack, sticking together like geese do. Bobbing and weaving around, looking confused and out of place, stuck on the median of Atlantic Blvd. Three lanes of traffic behind them. Three lanes of traffic ahead. They knew their destination. They were determined to get across that road. The flock would advance. The flock would retreat. Over and over it seemed. I’ll never know whether they all made it safely across or not. Traffic started up again, my lane finally began to move and I drove away the geese slowly get smaller in my rearview mirror.
I admired their ability to stick together so faithfully.
I admired their determination to arrive at their destination.
Yet all I could think of was – Why don’t they just fly.
They want to cross the road. The traffic is bad. The cars aren’t stopping. Why walk when you guys can fly?
More times than not I know I find myself stuck just like those geese. Halfway there but with huge obstacles still in my way. And just like those geese I am so stuck on the destination that I fail to see that there is more than one way to get across.
Sometimes all you need is a little road rage and a flock full of geese to help give you answers to some of life’s biggest questions. The important decision is the destination, once you’ve got that figured; there are a million different ways to get there!

my SNRI

Venlafaxine hydrochloride.
Brand name Effexor.
A Serotonin and Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor.
A SNRI.
Works by boosting serotonin and norepinephedrine levels in the synapses of the brain.

Effexor- the drug I both love and hate.

I've taken Effexor since I was in highschool.

75 milligrams. 150 milligrams.

Red or orange capsules.

225 milligrams. Round little white pill that I take half of each day.

Whatever this little pill does to the synapses in my brain seems to help me. It calms my brain down. Allows me to control my thoughts. Mainly the anxious thoughts that overwhelm my mind. It calms my symtoms. Racing heart. Shaky hands. Nervous stomach.

Almost completely prevents the panic attacks.

It doesn't illeviate my fears but it takes the edge off. Helps me to think rationally enough to know that my phobias and fears are irrational. As long as I can remember that simple thought I can function with the fear. Push through it.

I hate that it takes a little pill to accomplish that. That I can't seem to accomplish normal thoughts on my own.

I hate myself for that.

Hate that I depend on a pill

A pill that makes me sick if I forget to take it. Makes me sick even if I'm a few hours late taking it. Headache. Stomach sickness. Severe dizziness. Cold sweats. Nausua. And this indescrible feeling like little electric shocks firing in my brain. My head feels like it's way too big and whenever I turn my head it's almost as if I can feel my brain sloshing around. It's the strangest feeling ever.

Makes me feel like an addict going through withdrawals. Only it's a prescribed drug. And I only take the prescribed dosage.

I've been off of it before. I simply have to slowly dose down and I'm good. No horrible sickness. But eventually, a month or so after the last of the medicine is out of my system, I'm slowly overwhelmed by fears, phobias, depression and anxieties again.

I know I'm better on the medicine.

I know I have to take it.

I know others will think less of me for taking it.

I know that atleast some others will understand.

I also know that the best thing I can do is to be honest about my little orange, red, or sometimes white pills.

Honest with myself and honest with others.

So feel free to ask about my serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor and I'll be honest with you to.

Dancing In The Mine Fields

Wishing life and love could have turned out different and saying goodbye to how I wished we could have approached our "promise." But like I've said time and time again -

it's impossible to save a marriage all on your own.

Putting the finishing touches on our divorce makes me think of things that I haven't thought of in a long time. I've come to the realization that a part of me is always going to wish that I could have made it work. Pretty soon our marriage vows will be null and void and that's a hard pill to swallow. I'll always be sad that I didn't get to keep my promise.

At the moment I love this song.

At the moment this song makes me incredible sad.

And at the moment this song leaves me in awe of those who year after year are still...

"Dancing In the Mine Fields."

blood and fishing

Why am I making this horribly unattractive face and giving the camera a giant thumbs down?

Because after driving over an hour to Fort Clinch and hiking about half a mile to get to the jetties our fishing trip ended very abrubtly about thirty minutes in. I just can't take this guy anywhere, lol!! Somehow David managed to step on the only rock on the entire beach and sliced his foot open in three different spots. Looks pretty gnarly and even he had to admit that it hurt like a "son of a B#$%*" when we cleaned it out with peroxide.

I better be winning the girlfriend of the year award though because I carried all of our gear (two fishing poles, tackle box, cooler and chairs) the 1/2 mile to the truck and then walked back to help him limp out. (Not to mention the trip I had to take back again because the keys had fallen out of my pocket somewhere along the trail! But of course I can't blame anyone but myself for that trip!)

Atleast we finally made it back safely. I doctored up his foot as best as I could and tried unsuccessfully to talk him into going to the ER for stitches. Now we are relaxing in front of the tv with a pizza, watching the fifty some year old self proclaimed "sex surrogate" on Taboo. An uneventful end to an eventful day!

June 12, 2008

Many will chastise me for dwelling on the "what could have beens." While others will say I should put the past behind me. And perhaps they would be right.

Yet part of me is always going to hold out and assume they are wrong. I don't count these tears of rememberance as wasted tears.

June 12, 2008 was my due date.

A due date that never came to be.

My sweet baby was taken from me when I was three days shy of fifteen weeks pregnant.

I know many people have had miscarriages before. Many people have even had to say goodbye to their sweet babies at delivery or shortly thereafter. I'm not the only person to ever lose their baby, I'm not the first, and I certainly won't be the last.

But I will be the person who stands up and reminds others that it is okay if it sometimes still hurts. If once or twice a year you still shed a tear for your "what could have been" or take a moment to relive the sorrow of a day long past. It's okay to remember. It's okay to relive the sadness for a moment. That's what makes us human. I don't dwell on it. Most days I don't even think about it. I for one feel blessed for the moments that I do stop and remember. Because sometimes all life chooses to give you is a memory. And if all I have been blessed with is a memory of a child, I refuse to give that memory up even if it does have the power to bring me to tears.

Conquering my fear of ducks!

Dave loves to remind me of last year when I attempted to feed the local ducks but promptly turned around and fled in fear as fifteen or so grown ducks chased me down. Technically they were chasing after the bread I was holding, so fleeing with bread still in hand probably wasn't the best plan of action but hind sight is 20/20. Anway! This year we've watched this group of ducklings grow from little babies to, as we call them now, "teenagers" I've petted these guys and even let them eat out of my hand.

Who's afraid of ducks now? Not me. Thanks to these little sweeties!

Now geese... that's a different story!

love and hate

A lot of relationships end up being a love and hate kind of thing. Only in my case it was pretty much me just hating that I loved him.

Divorce papers

Filling out divorce papers suck!

Even when you've been separated for over two years it sucks!

I think the sheer level of suckage (if that's a word!?) has surprised me.

It's not like I had any hopes, thoughts, delusions of grandeur or whatever about us getting back together. I knew our marriage was over. Yet somehow filling in the small amounts of information that is left of our lives together and beginning to sign my name on the little dotted line is surprisingly painful.

I won't even be the same person anymore. Legally I will be someone different. No more Mrs. Matthews. Soon I'll be Elizabeth Readling again.

I'm not ashamed to admit that it makes me sad. I'm not ashamed to admit that I wished I could have saved my marriage. But saving a marriage all by yourself is impossible. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm not sure if I will ever love anyone like I loved Brian.

Recklessly.

Without regard as to whether he deserved it or not.

Unselfishly.

With my whole heart.

Innocently.

And married or unmarried.

Whether I like it or not.

No matter whether he loves me or not.

I will always love him that way.

The romantic love may be long gone but the good and true stuff - the if he had car trouble at 3 am I'd be there- if he's happy I'm happy- pain in your chest - tears in your eyes kind of love- the only love that really matters will remain long after the ink on the divorce papers has dried.

And even though right now it hurts, I don't think that I would want it any other way.

it's the end of the world as we know it?

For most of us the impending apocalypse was nothing more than a funny joke. We didn't sit around on May 21st awaiting the supposed return of Christ nor did we spend May 20th taking care of last minute business.

But what about the people who actually believed this guy?

Followers who slept, ate and breathed this guys message. People who sincerely believed that their time on earth was coming to an end. That the apocalypse was actually going to happen on May 21st 2011 at 6 pm.

Most Christians are going to simply shake their heads in disappointment at these people and point out Matthew 24:36 - "But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father alone." Others who are perhaps atheist or agnostic will draw the conclusion that these poor people wanted nothing more than to have something to believe in and boy did they ever choose the wrong thing!

This kind of thinking has happened before and is surely going to happen time and time again. It's just simple human fact that sometimes we choose the wrong thing to believe in.

Some of us, more than others, have this giant urge to "BELIEVE". We want something to fill our hearts and minds with, something bigger and greater than ourselves to put our faith and hope into.

If we should learn anything from these kinds of groups it's that belief can be a powerful thing. In times past when these various end of the world type groups faced an apocalypse that didn't happen usually about a third of the group continue to feel just as strongly and continue to follow their leader without even flinching.

To this self proclaimed "doubting Thomas" this is an unbelievable reaction. I can't help but look at these people and think that they have got to be some of the stupidest human beings on the planet. To have your faith disproved and your leader's teachings fall through right before your eyes should be enough to gather whatever is left of your pride and move on.

(This however is not the conclusion I think I should be drawing from this.)

If you really stop and think about it, as misplaced as I may think it is, you can't help but marvel at these people's faith. At their ability to believe in something outside of themselves. It's an unshakable belief. They don't question it, therefore leaving no room for it to be disproved. They simply "take up their cross" and follow. It's sheer lunacy. Complete surrender. Putting your every hope in the unseen. It's the kind of faith every Christian is called to have.

I know I don't have it. I know without a doubt that there is not a single thing in life that I can say I believe in that strongly.

I envy people that do.

Including perhaps these poor people. They may have been lead astray as to where to place it but you've gotta envy them that they have the power within themselves to have such complete and utter faith in the first place.

Mom's Day

As a young kid hanging out at other people's houses I would get the chance to see other moms in action. I remember, that even at the age of five or six, I was always so glad that other people's moms weren't my mom. Life, luck, fate, God, mere coincidence or whatever couldn't have given me to anyone better. Happy Mother's Day mom. You really are the best!

wear sunscreen

better advice then I'll ever be able to give

plus a pretty awesome little blast from the past...

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’98 Wear Sunscreen If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh nevermind, you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now, how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked, you are not as fat as you imagine. Don’t worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you Sing Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss Don’t waste your time on jealousy, sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind, the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults, if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life, the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, Maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary What ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can, don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Brother and sister together we'll make it through Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there I know you've been hurtin, but I've been waitin' to be there for you And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings, they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard, Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, Maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen

What I've learned Wednesdays...

Most every year I end up with one really bad red as a lobster type of sunburn! (As if we needed even more proof that I never learn my lesson the first time!)

Here's a few helpful hints for all of those fellow pasty white sun lovers out there...

an spf of 4 is not going to cut it

forgetting to even put the spf 4 on the back of your legs or have someone assist you in putting it on the top of your back is bad

then proceeding to fall asleep while on the beach is even badder

having a sun loving mom who luvs lounging on the beach for hours at a time all the while managing not to burn is the baddest

once the burn really sets in ibuprofin does wonders for the pain

and having a loving boyfriend who will faithfully slather you down from head to toe with aloe is a must

After a week when your skin is flaking and you feel like a snake shedding it's skin or some biblical figure afflicted with leprosy I only have one suggestion - packaging tape!!!

Put it on in strips, grit your teeth and rip it off! Totally speeds up the gross peeling skin process. Not to mention it sure is a lot of fun to gross people out by dangling your used dead skin adorned packaging tape strips in their face!

But if I could leave you only one piece of advice... the one thing that I keep managing not to learn time and time again... WEAR SUNSCREEN!

living the day

spend more time with friends

Want a scary little peek into how my brain works?

I was invited to spend the day with some good friends. A saturday. A sunny day. An 80 degree day. Quality time on the water day.

If you had no other plans that would intefere with the previously described day you would be thrilled at the prospect of spending a beautiful day with some beautiful people... wouldn't you?

For me it's not that simple. For me spending the day out and about seems almost exhausting. Part of me would rather spend the day at home, inside, where I can escape back into bed whenever I so choose. I would almost rather lie in bed alone and imagine what a day like that would be like than actually go.

It's sort of sad to think that I have to talk myself into spending a day with friends. That I have to drag myself up and out of bed and force myself through the process of getting ready. What's even crazier is that I know that once I get their I will have a good time. I will be glad that I went. So why do I have to will myself into going in the first place?

Believe me, I wish I knew why I am the way that I am. But I guess an answer isn't nearly as important as the actual realization. I should probably stop asking myself "why I think this way" and instead focus my attention into combating these thoughts.

It is not okay with me to let life pass me by because it's a stuggle to get up and get out so I can enjoy the ride.

Maybe it will always be a struggle... but I've got to stop waiting for it not to be.

Stop waiting for the day when the call of my safe and comfy bed isn't as strong as all that is going on in the actual world.

Stop sulking because fighting yourself day in and day out to actual get out and enjoy life sucks the big one.

Oh well... sometimes life sucks... get over it and move on.

We all have burdens to bear and demons to conquer...

and since I am fully aware of mine...

Here's to spending the day with friends.

A saturday.

A sunny day.

An 80 degree day.

A much needed out and about day!

what i didn't see

Do I get so involved in my own life that I fail to see what is going on in the life of others?

Recently a situation with a really good friend has made me question myself. Even saying "good friend" I feel extremly guilty because I feel like I wasn't the best friend to her. I knew something was off. Thought to myself he wasn't a "good" guy. But can you base a warning soley around the fact that everything in you thinks the guy is a complete "loser." Does that give you the right to bash whoever your friend chooses to be with and encourage her to leave? And even though I had nothing but negative feelings for the guy I never entertained the idea that he would be violent?

Why didn't I see it? Looking back I remember little things I should have pieced together. All the times she was sore from working out. The cigarette burn on her forehead. The time she told me he got in her face and she was afraid he was going to punch her. The one and only time she confided to me she was afraid to leave.

She was unhappy and even without the abuse it was a horrible situation for her and her kids to be in. At times I encouraged her to leave. Made sure she knew that I would be there for her... hell some friends and I even lined up a place for her to live, arranged for someone to watch the baby while she was at work and I even offered her my car to drive til she could save for her own... but still she stayed.

Stayed while she worked and he did nothing but sit at home on his ass. Stayed when he ran up money on her debit card and overdrafted her account by thousands of dollars. Stayed when his lack of even trying to get a job caused them to be homeless for a short time. Stayed when two weeks after having the baby she was working a cleaning job til she was medically cleared to come back to her real job while he still sat on his ass. Stayed when there wasn't any money for food and at times she wouldn't eat just to make sure her girls ate. Stayed when he was abusing her...
This idea is so foreign to me and I just can't wrap my head around it. I'm not so naive to think that situations like this don't happen... or maybe I am... compare to most I've lived a sheltered life... I think I forget the capacity people have to be insanely cruel and evil... but that still isn't a good excuse...

I should have known. I should have paid more attention. I should have tried harder to get her to leave. All I'm left with are a lot of should have's and a friend who really needed me... and I wasn't there.

What I've learned Wednesdays...

1) Darth Vader saves Luke at the end of the last movie. He turned away from the dark side!! So why does Vader get such a bad rap!? Here I was, for 28 yrs thinking that he was evil through and through when he actually gave up his life to save his son. (hmmm...maybe I should have watched the movies sooner.) Sorry Vader. I think you rock!

2) David was right. Home Depot sells grommets.

3) You are never too old to sleep with a stuffed animal. I love you Mr. Clown, even if you do look like a squid! You will always have a place in my bed!

teepees and such

What was on my agenda this past weekend?
Got the chance to spend a little time with an old friend who was in town for a couple days and finally got to meet her adorable baby!
Pizza and a movie with David. Though I didn't even make it fifteen minutes in and passed out before ten on a friday night. (Yes I know I am sounding old and very lame!)
A little Saturday afternoon shopping at Kohls. Lot's of cute purchases made even better by the fact that I still had my $50 gift card from Christmas! (thanks babe)
David and I went to see "Red Riding Hood". Okay movie... not sure it was worth the $10 but atleast we saved on snacks by sneaking in our own in my giant purse.
On Sunday I made the boyfriend accompany me on a little trip to Home Depot and then elected him my official teepee building assistant. Trying to stay true to my promise - to go above and beyond the minimum required in life - I wanted to build a teepee to enhance the playground at work. And though I am pretty sure I broke the "rules" in the process... purchasing supplies with my own money and working on work related projects off the clock... I succeeded in making one badass little teepee out of pvc pipe, a canvas drop cloth. string, and some shower curtain rings.
To every geeks pure horror (including my boyfriend's), sunday night, at the ripe old age of 28, I finally completed watching the entire Star Wars series. And you know what? The movies weren't nearly as horrible as I thought they would be!

cross one off the list ;)

Guess which item I get to check off of " The Things I Need to/Want to do but Never Actually get Around to Doing them List"? (Perhaps I need a shorter more efficient name for this list?)

drum roll please....

pause for suspense....

I bought a new pair of khaki work pants!

Now don't shake your heads in disappointment. I've gotta start somewhere and since every single pair of work pants I own now has at least one hole in them somewhere it was a much needed purchase even if it wasn't an exciting one.
You can however shake your heads in disappointment to the purchase of a Hershey's chocolate cream pie that I did buy and have as my dinner.
Oh well.
One step forward.
Two steps back!

What I've learned Wednesdays

1) Luv stale cheetos but there's nothing worse than flat soda!

2) In life I'm barely skimming the surface. In almost everything and every situation I do just enough to get the job done. As for going above and beyond or out of my way... ha, forget it! Life is a one time only go around so why am I not leaving it all out on the playing field? I need to give more. Try harder. Stop settling for mediocre.

3) My hair, which used to be stick straight, now seems to have quite a bit of wave to it. Weird!

4) I hate throwing up! Especially at work! Specifically in miniature little kid toilets!

5) I obviously have not learned anything when it comes to procrastinating and writing essays on the day they are due! Oh well. Maybe one day I'll learn my lesson... or if I keep making 100's on my last minute essays, I probably won't ;)

the list

I always mean to do a better job at keeping up with this whole blogging thing. Fact is I always mean to do alot of things...

finally fill out and file those divorce papers

file my taxes

study and CLEP a few classes so I can finish my associates by next spring

separate mine and Brian's car insurance

get insurance lined up for when my divorce is final

eat healthy

exercise

lose five or ten pounds

call my mom more

not always procrastinate on my school work

clean out my teacher's closet @ work

buy some new khaki pants for work

go to the tanning bed

run a 5K

hang out with friends more

take a vacation with the boyfriend

Really the list could go on and on... yet all I do is sit and stress about all of these things that I need/want to do... some big and others small... but the point is I never do them. I feel like I barely have the energy to even think about getting them done much less accomplishing the actual goal of completing them.

That's what I've always excelled at most in life - Never completing anything!

And I guess it's been this self fulfilling prophecy for me. I'm easily overwhelmed and perhaps just a bit too intimidated to even start. I'm depressed and I know it but yet I sit and do nothing. I want things to change but I never take the time to actual work at changing them!

Too often I use my depression or anxiety as an excuse. Or as a crutch. I'll ride it out until I'm on an upswing and then get as much done in that time as possible.

Well that game plan isn't working! I've got to learn to make myself function and get things done even when the depression and anxiety are present. I can't simple sit on my ass and expect a free pass until I feel like I can better handle a situation. I've got to learn how to handle things as they come. Not stuff all of my problems into box expertly wrapped with duct tape and labeled "To be opened when I'm having a better day!"

My life is now! Today! Not Tomorrow! And I need to start living it as such.

why isn't life fair!?

Not sure where we as humans got this whole idea that life should be fair. That if you are good and do good, good things will come your way. And if you're bad... well... watch out! It's the idea of kharma. What comes around goes around. It's a good concept in theory but I that is all it is really- a nice theory.
In truth bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. And both good and bad things happen to mediocre people. It would be nice if there was some rhyme or reason to it. Some cosmic tally sheet that in the end everyone got what they ultimatly deserved. Then we wouldn't be sitting here, head in our hands, asking God "WHY?" WHY did this happen? WHY can't I have this? WHY don't I deserve this? WHY won't you fix this?
In a way I think we are all a bit like a kid who really wants a treat.
Be nice to your brother. Do your homework. Clean up your room. Eat your vegetables and you'll get your cookie.
It's so much easier to do the quote "right things" when you know you are going to get rewarded for them. Yet somehow the "right thing" loses its value in that whole process. You are no longer doing the "right thing" because its right, you're doing it because ultimately you're going to get your prize. So now its a totally self serving and selfish process. There is no right or wrong anymore. There's just what gets me the best stuff!
And that's why a whole kharma type idea wouldn't work with God. You've got to do the right thing because it's right. You've got to try and be a better human being because it's right. You've got to strive to help... give... love... forgive... have compassion all because it's what is right. It can't be cheapened with a reward system.
So when a good friend of mine has to go through the painful process of losing her mom to cancer... or another friend has to say goodbye to her husband for a year so he can go overseas to Afganistan it's not because God thinks they're bad people. In fact if he thinks anything like me he thinks they are amazing people. But being amazing people isn't going to stop the bad things in life from happening either.
There is no reward system.
No good for the good.
No bad for the bad.
But lot's of both, especially for the mediocre!