Divorce papers

Filling out divorce papers suck!

Even when you've been separated for over two years it sucks!

I think the sheer level of suckage (if that's a word!?) has surprised me.

It's not like I had any hopes, thoughts, delusions of grandeur or whatever about us getting back together. I knew our marriage was over. Yet somehow filling in the small amounts of information that is left of our lives together and beginning to sign my name on the little dotted line is surprisingly painful.

I won't even be the same person anymore. Legally I will be someone different. No more Mrs. Matthews. Soon I'll be Elizabeth Readling again.

I'm not ashamed to admit that it makes me sad. I'm not ashamed to admit that I wished I could have saved my marriage. But saving a marriage all by yourself is impossible. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm not sure if I will ever love anyone like I loved Brian.

Recklessly.

Without regard as to whether he deserved it or not.

Unselfishly.

With my whole heart.

Innocently.

And married or unmarried.

Whether I like it or not.

No matter whether he loves me or not.

I will always love him that way.

The romantic love may be long gone but the good and true stuff - the if he had car trouble at 3 am I'd be there- if he's happy I'm happy- pain in your chest - tears in your eyes kind of love- the only love that really matters will remain long after the ink on the divorce papers has dried.

And even though right now it hurts, I don't think that I would want it any other way.