Me?

I want to go against the grain.
Fight the sameness that I always fall into.
I've tried so hard to be the world's quote "idea of normal" that there is nothing noticeably original about me anymore. I don't want to be ashamed of who I am... or of all the little pieces, both good and bad, that I'm made up of.
For 28 years I think my biggest mistake has been learning to live around who I am instead of learning to live with it.
You can't wish pieces of yourself away... and though I know many will argue, my mom included, I don't believe you can pray them away either. I think if God is who they claim him to be he wants everyone to embrace their real self. And if you believe in that whole "we're made in God's image" mumbo-jumbo shit then even the parts of me that I hate are a reflection of who God is... and isn't that just a huge and complicated thought to try and wrap your mind around.
Do I know who God is?
No.
Do I know who I am?
Not completely.
Do I believe in the possibility that God is who "they" say he is?
I do tend to lean more towards the yes on the actual existence of God but I believe that you have to be very careful because a lot of time "they" don't know what the hell they're talking about.
Do I believe in myself?
I need to... I used to... getting back to that place might be a journey.
I do know that you can't believe in someone you don't know. You can't believe in someone you can't accept. And you can't take someone elses belief and make it your own. I have to find my own way.
It starts with me.
All of me.
What I love about me.
What I hate about me.
What I know about me.
And what I've yet to learn about me.
It all starts with me.
Not some pretend, made up, fake and re-edited version of me.
But the real me.

a part of me

I'm smiling because I'm supposed to. Trying to go through the motions because what else is there to do really? Fall apart? I can pretend all that I want to but little by little I am falling apart.
I'm tired of breaking so easily. Tired of feeling like the weakest human being on the earth. The sad little girl who can't handle what life tosses her way. I don't usually come out and tell people about this side of me. Mainly because I'm ashamed of it and wish that it wasn't a part of me. Ever since I can remember, back to elementary school even, I've struggled with social anxiety disorder and depression. It's a mental thing and since it's a mental thing I don't talk about it. Mental equals crazy (atleast in a lot of people's minds) and I hate being known as the crazy girl.
Usually it's the anxiety that's worse but little by little over the past couple of months the depression has crept up on me. Sure I recognized it but I just tried to push it down, push it back and hope that would be enough. It wasn't enough. I'm simply existing and that's not okay with me. I have nothing really to be all that depressed about which makes it all the worse that I have this gut wrenching sadness that I can't shake. To function I pretty much am walking around in a fog, mostly numb because the only strong emotion that I have been capable of feeling is sad. I don't enjoy much of anything... I simply go through the motions and respond how I know I'm supposed to respond. The only thing I really like lately is sleep. So that's what I do... I sleep... I drag myself through what I have to do... then I sleep... and the cycle repeats.
I know there's more to life than this. I deserve more from life than this. But knowing this and being able to achieve it are two different things. They say that admitting a problem is the first step in overcoming a problem... so I'm trying to get over the shame... put it down in words for anyone to see... and finally accept myself that anxiety and depression will always be a part of me.

"thanks"giving???

Here's a helpful hint. If u r cheap like me and generally only get new phones when people cast off their old ones check to make sure their phone isn't still set with their daily alarm. Or else u r going to be waking up @ 4:45 on Thanksgiving morning even though u have no turkey to put in the oven. Blah!! And so starts thanksgiving day...
I can think of a million things that I should feel thankful for but I can’t seem to muster up any real sincere thanks for any of them. Tis the season and all but I’m just not feeling it. Thoughts of turkeys make me feel empty and Christmas trees in all of their splendor leave me feeling less than spectacular in their presence. I’m not unhappy, but I’m not exactly happy either. I’m just kind of there, and not really feeling it. I feel sorta blah and I feel stuck. But worse than feeling stuck I don't know the direction I would like to go if I were to get unstuck. Whatever train of thought I'm on at any given moment can be so easily derailed and suddenly I'm on to some new idea... I can't focus... heck I don't even know where I was going with all of this!
Anyway. Guess I'll just shut up now, drink my cheerwine and hope I get one of the turkey legs at dinner! Happy (unthankful) Thanksgiving.

What I've learned Wednesdays...

1) The older I get the longer those 400 and some miles between Jacksonville and Salisbury seem to be.

2) There is a lizard that squirts blood from it's eyes and apparently crickets hear with their knees.

3) The "Shake Weight" is a real exercise tool. Look it up. Watch the infomercials. It's hilarious. (oh and ps a bit of a dirty mind is required in order to get the full effect)

4) I'm tired of feeling replaceable.

5) In exactly four days I am going to be 28. Yikes. Where can I find a rewind button?

Quote of the moment...

"Live life fully while you are here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up. You're going to anyway so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don't try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human."

the things we do...

You do some of the craziest stuff ever when entertaining eleven two year olds all day. Never imagined I'd be filling latex gloves up with water, poking holes in the fingers, and helping the kids "milk the cow." Jacksonville kids... most who've never seen a real live cow... milking pretend udders... (which they thoroughly enjoyed by the way!)... wow... oh the things we do!!!

What I've learned Wednesdays...

1) If I'm being completely honest with myself Brian is always going to be one of my best friends. (I do realize the sheer wierdness factor of that statement.) You can't really argue or talk yourself out of the friendships that life gives you. You accept them. You remember to be thankful for them. And you don't dwell on the whole we shouldn't be friends it's kind of weird factor. Having true friends that you love and care about the same as family... that's priceless!

2) Decisions and choices are rarely ever black and white sort of things. There's always a million shades of gray in the middle.

3) Someone thinking that I am wrong is sometimes worse for me than actutally being wrong.

4) Gunmetal gray is my current fave nailpolish color and I'm totally digging my new black with silver skulls tank top I just bought for $5.17

5) I want more in life than I currently have. (But then again doesn't almost everybody?)

6) It's really 4am on a Sunday and I'm about to hit publish post on a "What I've learned Wednesdays..." title. Oh well... sometimes you've got to expand your horizons and bend the rules just a little so here's a "What I've learned Wednesday" on a "I shouldn't be up this freaking early Sunday."

Love this!!!

After a while you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't mean security

And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head held high and your eyes wide open

With the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child

After awhile you learn to build your roads on today

Because tomorrow's ground is to uncertain for plans

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight

After awhile you learn that even sunshine

Burns if you get too much

So you plant your garden

And decorate your own soul

Instead of waiting

For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth

And you learn and learn... and you learn

With every goodbye you learn

Good to be well :)

It was back to work today after being sick since Saturday night. And though it was nice to have my work week start on Wednesday (it ends on friday!) it definitely was not nice being sick for four days :(
Now I will be the first to admit that I'm not the toughest girl when it comes to being sick but this was one of those can't even drag your butt out of bed - wanna cry- just knock me out and put me out of my misery kind of sick. On Sunday night when David came home to find me half passed out on the bathroom floor he decided it was time for a little ER visit.
I spent 5 hrs @ the hospital mostly in the bathroom puking (or more accurately non-puking: that phase when your brain still hasn't caught on to the fact that there's absolutely nothing left in your stomach to come up but you're still leaning over the toilet hacking and heaving and coughing anyway.) And when I wasn't engaged in all that loveliness I was sitting in a chair in the hallway of the ER because there wasn't an available room and since I wasn't a life threatening case I didn't get first priority. Couldn't they see I was dying just from sheer misery?!? In hindsight maybe I wasn't dying but still all I really wanted was a nice little IV and some nice little medicine to keep me from throwing up the last remnants of my stomach lining in there germ infested bathroom. And I couldn't get the previously mentioned niceness until I got a room!!!
Of course I eventually did get my IV and my medicine and the lovely Dr. Goodfriend (yes that was his name!!) told me the great news that whatever I had appeared to be viral and apart from giving me some meds to help with the puking there wasn't much he could do. Blah!!!
So needless to say Monday and Tuesday my poor little immune system was involved in World War Three and I was one unhappy gal :(
Short story long, and perhaps a little gross I'm finally feeling better and it was great to be back at work today with my fabulous kids!
Oh and a little shout out to my beyond wonderful boyfriend who took great care of me and even sat with my sad little puking self til 3 am in the ER even though he knew he had to be up @ six the next morning for his annual PT test. Can you say a mile and a half run, countless push ups and sit ups on like two hours of sleep?!?
And that is why I luv that guy :)

misplaced willpower

I haven't really been able to get myself on the whole weight loss, eat healthy and exercise bandwagon. I seriously lack any amount of willpower when it comes to this area... I lack willpower in lots of areas to be truthfully honest but that is beside the point. In fact I'm so unfamiliar with willpower that I'm not even sure if it's one word or two. Willpower or will power... who knows?!
Lack of will power (or willpower) aside, I'm back down to 125 on the scale. And yes I know the exact number because I went back to the previously mentioned terrifying aisle and purchased one! I should atleast get some points for bravery right?
The only thing I have been doing lately is being aware of what I put in my mouth. (let's not turn that sentence into anything dirty because you guys know what I mean!!!) I've cut back some on my soda and I haven't bought anything of the sweet sugary goodness variety lately.
But as for really putting in some serious effort... nope, nada, zilch. Which in turn makes me feel real guilty when poor Dave has to hear me complain once again about my tight jeans and my muffin top making an unwelcome appearance. I haven't even really earned the right to complain since I'm not giving 110% of my effort to fix the problem.
Next time I get home from work and I'm just too tired to workout or I run by McDonalds for a quick lunch I need to think of this post, or the numbers on the scale or the fact that I had to rig my work pants the other day because they refused to button... if I could force myself to remember even just one of these things maybe I'd be able to summon up some of that possibly misspelled misplaced willpower of mine and make the healthier choice instead of the the easier one.

133

The other day David and I were wondering around Walmart trying to kill time because it was pouring outside and we didn't particularly feel like wading thru one of Florida's torrential thunderstorms to get to the truck. We were looking for zip ties for some project he's working on and we, or rather I, had the misfortune of wondering down the aisle with all of the scales. In hindsight I should have known better but being ever curious I just had to step on one to see how much weight I had actually gained over the past six months or so.
133 pounds was the shocking red number staring back at me!!
I know I'm probably going to have people who want to angrily pelt me with the powered donuts that I so love for daring to complain about the scale reading 133 pounds but that is a lot of weight to me. I've never weighed this much before. All of my pants give me muffin top. My boobs are busting out of my bras and all of my cute panties can now be featured in a "crack kills" commercial.
133 pounds just isn't okay to me. It wouldn't be so bad if I knew I was eating healthy and exercising... but I'm not doing either of those things. The hard part for me to swallow is that I have never done any of those things and now here I am not sure where to start.
I guess I should just take a minute and be grateful that for 27 years of my life I never had to worry about "looking in shape" or being "skinny" I just was. And yes sadly I will say that I took it for granted. I've never developed healthy eating habits or followed an exercise routine. Guess I'm paying the price for that now.
And though it may sound weird a small part of me is kinda glad for my body finally turning on me and paying me back for all those countless cans of soda. I need to eat heathly for my heart and even though I've known that my heart isn't healthy for while now it's a lot easier to ignore your heart because you can't see it. Now that my body is starting to look unhealthy...atleast to me anyway :(... it gives me a visual reminder to watch what I'm putting in my mouth. (And yes I do realize how horribly vain it sounds to state that it's easier to eat healthy for my appearance than for my heart but that's a discussion about insecurites and self esteem best saved for another day.) I have found that being naturally thin isn't really much of an ego boost... you'd think it would be but it's not really. Actually having to work at being healthy and in shape is going to be something that I can be proud of. An actual accomplishment rather than just having been born with good genes.
I'm shooting for 120 pounds which I think is a good weight for me being that I'm fairly petite at 5'2. So I'm saying a fond farewell to that scary, depression inducing number 133... I'm glad you could stop by to visit to help get my butt in gear but I'm sorry to say that (hopefully!!!) you won't be staying around for very long.

Body and Heart Healthy??

So far mission "Body and Heart Healthy" (or atleast that's what I am dubbing it as of today... when I come up with a more catchy slogan I'll get back to you!) has completely tanked!!!
The first day I absolutely did nothing. And by nothing I mean coming home from work, grabbing a bacon cheeseburger, tater tots, and a sweet tea from Sonic and sitting my butt on the couch for the majority of the night.
Today wasn't much better but I did put in a little half hearted effort by popping in the P90X dvd and making it twenty minutes through before collasping on the floor with rubbery legs and a cramp in my side. Hmmm.... might have been the quarterpounder and fries I had not just an hour before my half hearted attempt to exercise. Or perhaps it was the fact that other than my greasy McDonalds excuse for a meal the only other thing I ate all day was powdered sugar donuts and a Mt. Dew!!
See I told you I was horrible!!! Tomorrow is a new day and I intend to do better. On the bright side I don't think I could do much worse. And considering that the bloodpressure reading is still not so great... 142/96 with a heart rate of 99... I can't afford not to do better.

Blah

Feeling kinda blah lately... with this restless unsettled sort of feeling.

Maybe it's that things with Brian aren't settled, paper work wise atleast. Just wish that I had the ability to snap my fingers and go back to being unmarried and unaffected by it all. I'm just ready to be officially divorced and fully free to move on with my life.

Or it could be that work has been kinda so-so lately. I love working with what I affectionally refer to as my kids. And I truly love some of the girls that I work with but lately I feel fairly unappreciated at the end of the day and def underpaid for what I do. And I think it's not even the underpayment that gets to me. It's just this generally working enviroment of it's never good enough... I feel like most days I bust my butt but it's all for nothing. The kids appreciate it and that should be all that matters... I need to just keep reminding myself of that fact. A big part of me thinks that it might be time to move on and start over fresh somewhere new... some place where I can make more of a difference.

And though I hate to admit it a small part of me is sad since I can only stand on the sideline as so many of my friends are starting their own families and here I am breaking mine. And yes I've met someone new... who I have come to love and I am genuinely excited for our future together... but we are so far from being in that place where we would start a family together. A part of me is sad to not be at that place in my life. It's hard to have to let go of that dream for now.

So for tonight I guess it's just blah for me... thankfully tomorrow is another day and I can't feel blah forever.

Getting healthy

I've finally decided to buckle down and really take a look @ my health. I'm 27 (not getting any younger!!!) and I already have high enough bloodpressure that the doctor's want to put me on blood pressure meds. I probably drink at least four cans of soda a day, never exercise, and live off a steady diet of fast food with a little junk food thrown in for good measure. Yeah I know... horrible right?! And now my clothes are starting to get tight (granted they are a size three) but still sooner or later my metabolism isn't going to be able to keep up with my diet. But regardless of whether or not I look healthy on the outside I know I'm not healthy on the inside. And since we were speaking of that wonderful nectar of the gods... here's a Mt. Dew toast to me getting healthier and making my heart happier without the use of any blood pressure meds!

...

You know what I've recently realized... I had a whole lot more to say when I was pissed off at Brian or scared to death of facing the world all on my own. And if you really think about it in all reality that is sort of sad. Shouldn't I have just as much to say if not more since my life has begun to fall into place again... or no that's actually misleading... things didn't just fall into place I pushed and pulled and forced them into place. It's sort of like I'm making a new life for myself now with only pieces of the old one remaining. I'm liking this new life of mine. It's never what I imagined for myself at 27 but I am honestly happy with where I'm at and where I'm going... but as I totally and completely wander off course as per usual and thoroughly butcher proper grammer and sentence structure with my run on sentences and incessant ... dot... dot... dots... the point I was getting at all along is I can easily write, rant and rave when things AREN'T going great so let's see if I can do a better job at writing and keeping track of things when they ARE going great. Dot... dot... dot.. The End. For now...

slacking in the blog department

Pretty slacking as a blogger lately! In my defense I've been pretty preoccupied lately....

date nights and flowers :) Finally getting the chance to touch a dolphin on a day trip to Sea World :)

and fishing trips where we caught absolutely zero fish :)
Basically just enjoying lazy summer days spent with the man that I have come to love!!!

smiles :)

Just being with this guy really makes me smile!!!!

new beginnings

Last April to this April.... twelve months.... three hundred and sixty five days... and a world of difference. Last April was all about endings... And this April has been all about beginnings.
And I gotta say that I've thoroughly enjoyed this new beginning and I'm looking forward to seeing where this new journey takes me. But for right now I'm just taking it day by day, enjoying every minute and feeling pretty damn lucky because of it all!

oh and just a little hint...
my new beginnings name is David :)

What I've learned Wednesdays...

Many times there is a gulf between the person that we wish to be and the person that we actually are. And oh how easy it is to think we are who we wish to be. And how easy it is to become confused and defensive when people are viewing us as we actually are.
Will I ever be able to merge the two?
Finally become the person I wish to be?
Probably not.
But I am going to give it my all trying.

forgive and forget?

I've lost track of how many times lately that Brian has let me down. I guess what suprises me the most is actually how genuinly suprised I am whenever he yet again fails to tell me the whole truth. Why am I always so shocked to find out that "oops, yet again good 'ole Brian Lee lied to me!" Maybe what is also so suprising is how quick I am to jump in and defend him against anyone who tries to talk bad about him. I know he's a liar... but don't call him a liar... What sense does that make? I could sit here and endlessly list some of his indescretions... ones that happened just days after we seperated or ones that happened just last week... but such a list isn't important... what is however is that I don't hold any of that against him. I think I make excuses for Brian and tend to replace who he currently is with the person that he could be... but I guess the point is... if I'm not going to bash him, talk bad about him or down on him or wish unmeasurable amounts of pain and suffering upon him than I don't see any reason why others around me should. The way I see it, in reality, the only one I can really blame for letting me down is myself. I'm the one who time and time again let's down that wall and let's Brian back in. If you're going to look down on anyone, bash anyone, why not point the finger at me. Brian can only hurt me if I let him. He can't lie to me if I know not to believe him. I'm finally beginning to grasp that concept. That I'm the one in charge here. And that in being the one in charge I've got to place myself first, ahead of Brian... which even afterall that has happened still seems unnatural for me to do. But I'm learning that I can only be responsible for myself. That person that I tend to see Brian as... the amazing one he could be... I can't get him there. No matter how much I push or nag or encourage or loan money or bail him out of trouble or keep his secrets I can't get him there... only he can. What's hard for me is that I think I want him to be that amazing person more than he himself wants to be. I can't make him want it. No one can and that's what really breaks my heart about the whole thing. So don't bash him or talk bad about him and break my heart even more. There are good things about Brian. There are amazing things about Brian even the way he is now. So unless you want to hear the soon to be ex wife chew you out for talking crap on her sorry ex husband think twice... if I can forgive him and choose to see the good and not the bad then by all means you can to... and if you can't find a kind word to say for Brian's sake atleast find one for mine.

screaming

Tonight I feel like standing in the middle of the backyard and screaming. I could stand there all alone, shivering in the unseasonable cold Florida winter and let the tears dry on my cheeks underneath the cloudy black sky. I'd stand there and demand of God to tell me why he let Brian walk back into my life again only to make me have to shove him back out. And as I stood there just him and I, my sometimes God and me, I'd want something even more than my questions anwered. If only for one moment, one second, I could stand there and feel like he was standing with me then I'd know that everything would be alright. Even if he never supplied me with a single answer or favorably answered a single prayer I'd walk away at peace just knowing that I "felt it." Had one of those awe defining moments when you come face to face with your God and walk away never feeling the same. Instead of screaming in the backyard I'm crying on my keyboard, wondering when I let it all go wrong. Wondering when saving Brian became more important than saving myself. I might not be screaming my confusion and anger towards heaven tonight but I probably will whisper it in my prayers. And even if I don't get any explanations or any of the answers I want tonight I would happily settle with not questioning if God heard me or not.

What's the "cents" in that one Uncle Sam?

America's tax system is flawed. Filing married but separately I owe the IRS $400 while Brian gets back just over $500. Yet if all we do is check the one little box that says married filing jointly we get back just over $2,000. And where is the sense in that one? (Or rather should I say "cents?")

2 am phone calls

I expected that phone call.

The one that woke me up at two am Brian sobbing on the other end.

"I need you, " he said.

"I want us to be a family again."

"I love you."

Words that several months ago I never thought I'd hear. Yet now here I was hearing them. I wasn't suprised by his words. I knew this moment was coming. He had been hinting and building up to this for weeks. And what did I feel when I heard them.

Absolute terror.

Terror because a big part of me wanted nothing more than to hear those words.

Terror because I know those words might not last.

And terror because I know that as hard as it is for me that what Brian most needs right now is to concentrate only on himself. He needs to heal himself from all of the shitty things that happened to him in his past. He needs to worry about getting his life back on track, financially, spiritually and career wise.

I might not ever hear those words again and thinking that makes me wish I would have jumped back in with both feet.... but I just couldn't do it. That wouldn't have been smart and it would have been selfish. What I want most is for Brian to be ok and for me to be ok... together or not together... as long as we are both doing good and we're happy then I think we'll be right where we are supposed to be.

So maybe I just passed up my last chance to be with him. There might not ever be another 2 am phone call asking me to give our marriage another chance. If that's the case then I'll just have to live with it. I'm not ashamed to admit that I will be sort of sad if he doesn't feel the same way in a few months and want to give us one more try. When I said for better or worse I meant it and if given then chance to work on my marriage I would take it. I love Brian and I'll always love Brian. Whether he's a husband or a friend that won't change. But I'm going to be okay either way. I'm going to be there for him either way. And I think that's what real love is. Just someone loving someone enough to simply want them to be happy. Wanting the best for them. Hoping that they find peace. And if you're not their happiness, not the best for them, not the person in which they find their peace that's okay... just them finding it somewhere and in someone is all you could ever really ask for. And as long as Brian finds that peace and happiness for himself that will be enough for me.

broken hearted???

bloodpressure 158/103
pulse rate over 100
abnormal ekg
(though I think the doctor's exact words were a variant of normal)
echocardiogram recommended
It's times like these
In moment like this
On days like Monday
When I most feel alone.
There's nothing worse that sitting on the doctor's examining table, shivering, half dressed with little sticky electrode things stuck to your chest and missing having that hand to hold. When the only sound you here in that quiet, unreasonably cold room is the ticking of the clock and the rustling of that stupid crinkly exam table paper everytime you swing your feet or move. There's no one to laugh or to break the silence. No one to smile and joke with you about having to give up your beloved soda because you need to lower your sodium intake and caffeine level. No one to reassure you that your heart isn't broken because even if the echocardiogram comes back perfect and it's discovered that your heart pumps blood like a champ, deep down you know that in many ways your heart is indeed slightly cracked. Because you're alone now.
And it's times like these.
In moments like this.
On days like monday.
That I most feel alone and scared.
And wish with all of my possibly broken heart that I felt neither.

eleven hopes for 2010...

Two thousand and nine was by far not the easiest year for me. But with that said I don't neccessarily look back on it and think that it was a bad year. A year full of changes. Fear. Independance. Stress. Triumph. A bit of loss but a lot of gains too. If I could take only one lesson I learned this past year with me into 2010 and even further into the future it would be this...
The other day my roomate Gavin and his dad were moving my dresser and one of my favorite willow tree angels fell off and broke. Many times over the past year I have looked to that angel as inspiration. A little boy holding what appears to be a balloon that spells out the word hope. If anyone collects willow trees they'll know that each angel represents something and when you give someone an angel you are also giving them the gift of whatever the angel represents. Go figure that after what could have been the most trying year of my life my poor little angel of hope is the one that takes a tumble, his arm breaks and his tenious grip on his balloon of hope is lost. Many times last April and May and even periodically since then I've had moments when I lost my grip on hope. I had days when I could have sworn all was lost and I couldn't get past the hopelessness of it all. But here's the funny thing about hope... for me atleast... there may be times when it seems to run and hide... but hope is no good at that childish game of hide and seek. Hope never stays hidden, it always seems to come and find you. It may be small, barely worth grabbing onto, and it may even take some super glue to keep it within your grasp but it finds you nonetheless. I've learned that if you never give up on hope, hope will never give up on you. Hope may let you take a tumble every once and awhile but hope is always more than willing to let you superglue yourself back to it.