forgive and forget?

I've lost track of how many times lately that Brian has let me down. I guess what suprises me the most is actually how genuinly suprised I am whenever he yet again fails to tell me the whole truth. Why am I always so shocked to find out that "oops, yet again good 'ole Brian Lee lied to me!" Maybe what is also so suprising is how quick I am to jump in and defend him against anyone who tries to talk bad about him. I know he's a liar... but don't call him a liar... What sense does that make? I could sit here and endlessly list some of his indescretions... ones that happened just days after we seperated or ones that happened just last week... but such a list isn't important... what is however is that I don't hold any of that against him. I think I make excuses for Brian and tend to replace who he currently is with the person that he could be... but I guess the point is... if I'm not going to bash him, talk bad about him or down on him or wish unmeasurable amounts of pain and suffering upon him than I don't see any reason why others around me should. The way I see it, in reality, the only one I can really blame for letting me down is myself. I'm the one who time and time again let's down that wall and let's Brian back in. If you're going to look down on anyone, bash anyone, why not point the finger at me. Brian can only hurt me if I let him. He can't lie to me if I know not to believe him. I'm finally beginning to grasp that concept. That I'm the one in charge here. And that in being the one in charge I've got to place myself first, ahead of Brian... which even afterall that has happened still seems unnatural for me to do. But I'm learning that I can only be responsible for myself. That person that I tend to see Brian as... the amazing one he could be... I can't get him there. No matter how much I push or nag or encourage or loan money or bail him out of trouble or keep his secrets I can't get him there... only he can. What's hard for me is that I think I want him to be that amazing person more than he himself wants to be. I can't make him want it. No one can and that's what really breaks my heart about the whole thing. So don't bash him or talk bad about him and break my heart even more. There are good things about Brian. There are amazing things about Brian even the way he is now. So unless you want to hear the soon to be ex wife chew you out for talking crap on her sorry ex husband think twice... if I can forgive him and choose to see the good and not the bad then by all means you can to... and if you can't find a kind word to say for Brian's sake atleast find one for mine.