2 am phone calls

I expected that phone call.

The one that woke me up at two am Brian sobbing on the other end.

"I need you, " he said.

"I want us to be a family again."

"I love you."

Words that several months ago I never thought I'd hear. Yet now here I was hearing them. I wasn't suprised by his words. I knew this moment was coming. He had been hinting and building up to this for weeks. And what did I feel when I heard them.

Absolute terror.

Terror because a big part of me wanted nothing more than to hear those words.

Terror because I know those words might not last.

And terror because I know that as hard as it is for me that what Brian most needs right now is to concentrate only on himself. He needs to heal himself from all of the shitty things that happened to him in his past. He needs to worry about getting his life back on track, financially, spiritually and career wise.

I might not ever hear those words again and thinking that makes me wish I would have jumped back in with both feet.... but I just couldn't do it. That wouldn't have been smart and it would have been selfish. What I want most is for Brian to be ok and for me to be ok... together or not together... as long as we are both doing good and we're happy then I think we'll be right where we are supposed to be.

So maybe I just passed up my last chance to be with him. There might not ever be another 2 am phone call asking me to give our marriage another chance. If that's the case then I'll just have to live with it. I'm not ashamed to admit that I will be sort of sad if he doesn't feel the same way in a few months and want to give us one more try. When I said for better or worse I meant it and if given then chance to work on my marriage I would take it. I love Brian and I'll always love Brian. Whether he's a husband or a friend that won't change. But I'm going to be okay either way. I'm going to be there for him either way. And I think that's what real love is. Just someone loving someone enough to simply want them to be happy. Wanting the best for them. Hoping that they find peace. And if you're not their happiness, not the best for them, not the person in which they find their peace that's okay... just them finding it somewhere and in someone is all you could ever really ask for. And as long as Brian finds that peace and happiness for himself that will be enough for me.