screaming

Tonight I feel like standing in the middle of the backyard and screaming. I could stand there all alone, shivering in the unseasonable cold Florida winter and let the tears dry on my cheeks underneath the cloudy black sky. I'd stand there and demand of God to tell me why he let Brian walk back into my life again only to make me have to shove him back out. And as I stood there just him and I, my sometimes God and me, I'd want something even more than my questions anwered. If only for one moment, one second, I could stand there and feel like he was standing with me then I'd know that everything would be alright. Even if he never supplied me with a single answer or favorably answered a single prayer I'd walk away at peace just knowing that I "felt it." Had one of those awe defining moments when you come face to face with your God and walk away never feeling the same. Instead of screaming in the backyard I'm crying on my keyboard, wondering when I let it all go wrong. Wondering when saving Brian became more important than saving myself. I might not be screaming my confusion and anger towards heaven tonight but I probably will whisper it in my prayers. And even if I don't get any explanations or any of the answers I want tonight I would happily settle with not questioning if God heard me or not.