a part of me

I'm smiling because I'm supposed to. Trying to go through the motions because what else is there to do really? Fall apart? I can pretend all that I want to but little by little I am falling apart.
I'm tired of breaking so easily. Tired of feeling like the weakest human being on the earth. The sad little girl who can't handle what life tosses her way. I don't usually come out and tell people about this side of me. Mainly because I'm ashamed of it and wish that it wasn't a part of me. Ever since I can remember, back to elementary school even, I've struggled with social anxiety disorder and depression. It's a mental thing and since it's a mental thing I don't talk about it. Mental equals crazy (atleast in a lot of people's minds) and I hate being known as the crazy girl.
Usually it's the anxiety that's worse but little by little over the past couple of months the depression has crept up on me. Sure I recognized it but I just tried to push it down, push it back and hope that would be enough. It wasn't enough. I'm simply existing and that's not okay with me. I have nothing really to be all that depressed about which makes it all the worse that I have this gut wrenching sadness that I can't shake. To function I pretty much am walking around in a fog, mostly numb because the only strong emotion that I have been capable of feeling is sad. I don't enjoy much of anything... I simply go through the motions and respond how I know I'm supposed to respond. The only thing I really like lately is sleep. So that's what I do... I sleep... I drag myself through what I have to do... then I sleep... and the cycle repeats.
I know there's more to life than this. I deserve more from life than this. But knowing this and being able to achieve it are two different things. They say that admitting a problem is the first step in overcoming a problem... so I'm trying to get over the shame... put it down in words for anyone to see... and finally accept myself that anxiety and depression will always be a part of me.