a definate problem...

This is going to be a definate problem. I don't know how to read guys... I don't know what the hell they are really thinking... what they really want... I'm pretty much clueless. I guess that's what happens when you are with someone since you were eighteen yrs old til 26... you don't learn those basic skills so to speak. I'm probably going to have horrible luck trying to date. I'm going to say the wrong things and do the wrong things and expect the wrong things... I feel sorry for any guy that potentially crosses my path really. I'm probably going to put him through hell... which means no sane guy is going to stick around. Not to mention all of the issues I'm carrying over from my marriage!!! Wow... I'm going to be quite the catch... ummm not!!!! I hate this feeling like an idiot thing, this clueless, helpless, I make myself look like a total ass because I don't know what the hell I'm doing thing. Isn't there a self help book or something for this? Here's the sucky part though. I really want to date... see who else is out there...possibly meet the right guy for me one day. And this is where I insert the whole I want someone to find me likable not just do-able... well I guess do-able is ok as long as I'm likable too! I don't want to just be someone's good time... their fuck buddy so to speak. Not that there's anything wrong with that if that's your thing... but for me it's wrong... I want more out of someone than just that. I want to be looked at as more than that. Is that to much to ask for? Maybe it is and maybe I'll never find it but atleast I won't have settled for less than I'm looking for. Now if only I knew how the hell to go about finding what I want or what the hell to do with the guy if I did find him? Like I said- this is going to be a definate problem.

A little "Kung Fu Fighting" and all is right with the world.

So I have this two year old little boy in my class. Will call him J. Well I was soooo annoyed by him at first. I know annoyed by a two year old, who isn't right? But usually I love most of the two's in my class it's only very rarely that I just really find myself having a hard time liking a kid. Anyway. So J doesn't talk... he doesn't follow any direction... doesn't play with toys unless you count throwing them or knocking them off shelves playing with them. He doesn't play with the other kids unless of course you also count pushing, hitting, or trying to scratch the other kids "playing with them." And of course this week at the lovely old age of 26 I finally started back to school to finally finish what I began so very long ago. Which is pretty huge for me because school has never really been my thing... I was never one who just loved going to school. To say I was exhausted, grumpy, easily annoyed by everything this past week would have been a definate understatement. By Wednesday I was so over it. Pretty much thinking that I had gotten myelf in over my head by trying to work full time and go to school full time to. Yeah I know people do it all the time... I just never have... so I was feeling pretty overwhelmed and stress by it all. Let's insert J back into the story. Over the past two weeks I have been making a huge effort to spend lot's of one on one time with J. Trying to teach him words, get him to follow simple directions, not throw every toy he picks up across the room and not to full on attack all of his classmates that get to close to him. All my efforts seemed to be for nothing. Except that now J thinks I'm his best friend and follows me everywhere and screams any time I leave the room. FML... all I've done is make things more difficult and stressful for myself... not to mention that sadly I still can't really stand the kid. (Horrible I know!!!) Atleast this was before "Kung Fu Fighting." We have this Disney move it cd that has all of these old school songs on it. There's "Shout", "We will Rock you", "ymca" and of course "Kung Fu Fighting". The kids love this cd. Anyway. Wednesday I pop in this cd and here I am dancing around with the kids, looking like a hug idiot I'm sure, and carrying around J my new thirty plus pound best friend on my hip when Kung Fu fighting comes on. So now to totally add to my coolness factor I'm karate chopping and kicking with the best of them. All of a sudden J begans to laugh hysterically!!! No big deal right? Well this kid has been in my class for two or three months now and I hardly ever see him smile and I've most def never heard him laugh. Yet here he is with the biggest shit eating grin on his face... cracking up everytime I karate chop and follow it up with "Hii-ya" (Complete dork, I know) Suddenly I'm laughing with him and hitting repeat on the CD player and we're "kung fu fighting" over and over again. Then he raises his arm... does a little karate chop of his own... and says "hii-ya!!!!!!" And just that easy suddenly all is right with the world. My little J that never talks that never does anything just said a word other than bye-bye. And yes I'm counting "hii-ya" as a word I don't care what anyone says. Just to hear him laugh and actually process and learn something I was doing with him... one of the greatest feelings in the world. Suddenly I love this kid... this kid is the reason I do what I do... this kid is the reason I am exhausting myself going to school along with work. One little karate chop and I'm reminded that this is one of the things I want to do with my life. Working with special needs kids and being able to help them, teach them something, improve upon their life somehow. I don't care that I'm exhausted, that I have such a long way to go until I'm done with that hated thing called school. This is what life is all about. It's not just about me... it might sound corny but it's about doing what you were put here to do. And I guess in the grand scheme of things teaching one kid something as simple as a make believe word and yet another way to beat up on his friends with his new found karate chop ability doesn't mean much. But to him it did. To his family and speech therapist it did. To me it did. Of course now I am sick to death of hearing that stupid song but I'll continue to play it just to hear him laugh, say "hii-ya" and karate chop like a champ! Isn't it crazy that a little song like "kung fu fighting" can turn your whole outlook around! I suppose life is just funny that way

Back to school

Back to school tomorrow!!!! Sorta nervous and unsure of how I'm going to manage this one. Forty hours of work... four classes... hopefully I haven't gotten in over my head with this one!?!?

Days...

One hundred and forty days since he walked out of my life. One hundred and forty days that I've been on my own. Compared to the 1,928 that we were married or the 2,679 days that we spent together 140 doesn't sound like a lot. In some ways it seems like it was only 14 days ago yet in other ways it seems like 14,000. In life you've got to be grateful for all of your days... the 2,679 with him and the 140 without. That first number will never change... it's set in stone now but the 140... that's going to continue to grow. What suprises me is that I'm ok with that. Back in April I never thought I would make it here. To this place where I'm actually happy and ok with having 140 days seperate him and I. It's like that bullshit quote that people like to throw out at you all the time, something about "Don't dwell on your past or worry about your future because the past is no longer there and the future will take care of itself." (Or something random like that.) I suppose I could get behind a statement like that. It's a good way to strive to be... humanly impossible to follow completely but still a good idea in theory, (sorta like communism). But basically that is currently becoming my motto in life- not communism, the other thing. I'm trying not to worry. Because here's what I've realized- what will be is going to be. You only have so much control over things and the only control you have really is how you take things. It's not what hand your dealt in life but what you make of it... how you play it. So I'll take those 2,679 days and be thankful for all of the memories and all of the lessons living those days taught me. And I'll be forever grateful that I survived the past 140 days and that I am a better person for it. Just like I'll appreciate tomorrow and the next day and the next. You never know how many days you're given. I plan on enjoying them. Being happy. Doing something worthwhile with the time I'm given. Taking each day as it comes and just living it... you can't really ask for more out of life than that.

Dear Brian,

Here's what's sad... As I'm yelling at Brian over the phone today (yes, yet again he has managed to make me completely and totally pissed off) he says to me, "You really would just love to see me crash and burn wouldn't you. You want me to fail. That would make you happy wouldn't it?" No, Brian, it wouldn't make me happy. No, I don't want to see you fail. And no, I don't wish for you to crash and burn. Though you manage to piss me off more than any other person on this planet ever has- deep down I'll always want the best in life for you. You deserve to be happy. I'd love to see you succeed and do well. For you to have everything you ever wanted. For life to be everything you ever dreamed it would be. I can only hope that you would want the same for me. In your world you were always driven by hate. Hate for your mom. For your family. For where you come from. And hate for all that happened to you as a child. But don't be fueled by hate when it comes to me... you don't have to set out to prove me wrong... of all the people in this world I know that you can do it. That you deserve to do it. (Even though you may be an ass to me sometimes, you still deserve it!!!) I hope that one day you'll be able to see how much I really did and do care about you. That above all I just want you to be able to have the life that you want. Be happy. Don't let hate rule you or drive you. And don't settle for mediocre when I know you can be great.

Fate?

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end."

I went to the house today to get a few things. Mainly stuff for Mrs. Laura. (We work together and the kids call her Mrs. so by habit she's Mrs. Laura to me too!) Anyway. Laura is due to have her second baby girl this December and seeing as her first baby girl is nine she doesn't have any baby stuff left over from her first one. Sooooooo I'm sure you can see where this post is going. To reference back to the first ever post I typed on here right after I lost my baby...

"You were never here but you have things. A toy aquarium. Bibs. Books. Halloween and Christmas outfits you were supposed to wear. There all here. Packed away in a box. Placed in a closet. Your stuff is here. But you're not. You'll never get to use it. I save it. Save it for the baby we still hope to have. Yet that baby won't be you. Will I find it weird that they're using your things. I can't bring myself to get rid of it. And why keep it if I'm not going to use it. It's just that I wanted you to use it. That's my problem I still want for what can't be. Will I ever move out and away from the past?"

To answer that last question.... yes, I'm finally moving on from what might have been. And I no longer want for what can never be. So now I pass all of my baby's things on. Brand new and unused. It doesn't make since just to let them sit in a closet collecting dust when Laura could defiantely use them for her baby girl. I have no use for them. My baby that only ever existed inside of me doesn't need them. It's selfish just to hold onto things just because letting go is so hard. So I'll hand the boxes over to her- the clothes, books, toys, and even the crib. And I'll smile like it isn't hard to let these things go. Smile and pretend that it isn't hurting me. Smile and not let on that I might cry about it later. Smile because it's the right thing to do. Maybe this is completing the circle. Maybe her baby is who life and fate intended to have these things all along. Yeah, maybe it's fate. And you can't argue with fate... only smile... grin and bear it and go wherever it wants to lead you.

too damn nice

I can't stay mad at Brian. I can't hate Brian. I can't not forgive Brian. It's even to the point of where I feel bad for speaking the truth and saying bad things about Brian. I hate that about myself... the whole I can't hold a grudge - I can't hate you - I can't stay mad at you - I'll just put aside all of the crappy shit you've done and forget it- I'll forgive you part of me. Some people might consider it a personality flaw. One that ends up getting me fucked over, walked on and used. Flaw or not it's who I am and I guess I've just got to roll with it. Accept myself for what I am and stop trying to change things. So I'm not ever going to be a cold hard bitch. Oh well. I'm sure there's worse things in life than just being to damn nice!