finding joy...

I love working with two year olds. The joy that they find in the simplest things always amazes me. With everything that has been going on in my life lately it's nice to just take a day at work and have fun with my kids. They help me find joy in everyday life. And they remind me that it's the small things that count. When everything seems difficult sometimes it's best to just make things simple. I feel blessed that I get to spend my days working with kids that I adore. With kids who are just in awe of days spent building sandcastles and running through the sprinkler. Who get so excited about sidewalk chalk and blue snowcones. And who think the coolest thing ever is jumping in a huge inflatable bounce house with their dorky teacher. Hopefully I can learn a thing or two from my silly group of two year olds. Find some joy in the little things around me. And try to enjoy every new adventure that comes my way.

Stay or go?

This week I have felt so homesick. Homesick for North Carolina and my family... it's so hard to know what the right thing to do is. Do I stay or do I go? Stay or go? Stay or go? I've asked myself this question a million times. I just wish there was a clear cut right or wrong answer. I want a big billboard to point me in the right direction. Some sign that makes the answer obvious. I'm trying to be strong and hang in there... but lately that's all that it feels like I'm doing... barely hanging on. So... do I stay or do I go?

goodbye Brian

I've got to tell Brian goodbye. He doesn't want me as his wife and for now atleast I can't be his friend. Goodbyes suck. Especially goodbyes that you never thought you'd have to say... goodbyes that you never wanted. But this goodbye is good for me. I need the closure. I need lot's of space and time and distance between what we use to be and what we're going to be... I'm hoping to one day reach the point where I feel like we can be friends... but right now I just don't feel like that's possible for me. It's hard not to pick up the phone and call him. Hard not to worry about him. Hard not to talk to him at all. After over eight years of being in constant contact with a person it's hard to just suddenly..... stop! Right now though stopping is good. It's too hard on me otherwise. I've got to completely let go. I'm finding it alot harder to let go of my "best friend Brian" than my "husband Brian" but somehow I've got to find the strength to let go of them both. I want to move on with my life and I can't do that by holding on to the past. If you know Brian you'll know that Brian pretty much gets whatever Brian wants. With that being said we might as well end it like we lived it (aka- me giving in and letting him have his way). He wanted me to let him go... so I am... completely.

next time around...

In my next life I want to be that hard-core tough complete bitch of a girl... things would be soooooo much easier!!

what I do know...

I might not know much but as of today this is what I do...
~This whole divorce thing isn't going to be easy and it's not going to be something I get over in a month. For Brian it seems a piece of cake... for me is definately one of the hardest things I've ever done. It's going to take some time for me to realize that Brian isn't going to be there for me anymore. I guess when you share your life with someone for over eight years it's hard to turn and walk away.
~Hard or not I've got to walk away. I've got to stop looking back and trying to hang on to bits and pieces of him... I've got to completely let him go. Hopefully one day we'll be able to be friends but right now I've got to put as much distance between him and I as possible.
~As easy as it would be for me to run home to North Carolina and let my parents take care of me I can't do that. I'm twenty six years old and I think it's past time for me to be able to stand on my own two feet. The easy path isn't the one I'm going to let myself walk.
~I'm going to have days when it's all I can do to put one foot in front of the other but that's exactly what I'm going to have to force myself to do... one step at a time. I'm by far not the toughest girl around but I've got to atleast pretend to be.
~I'm going to make lot's of mistakes but I'm sure even those will have a purpose to get me where I need to be. I was never a big believer in "Everything happens for a reason," but I'm starting to have a little more faith in that whole statement.
~In the long run I'm going to be okay. I've just got to survive the journey til I get there.

Moved out!

I'm officially moved out!! Yesterday I was so unsure of myself... overwhelmed by everything and now today things don't seem that bad. I'm just glad that I actually was able to do it... to pack up and leave and not look back. Trust me, there were a few moments there when I didn't think I was going to be able to. I think it made it even harder to be moving my things out while also helping Brian move his things back in. It's his house now. And I'm homeless. (Well not technically because my name is still on the mortgage but as far as I'm concerned that house is no longer mine.) It's strange to go from having an entire 1500 square foot house to only having a bedroom in someone else's home. Yesterday was harder than I thought it would be... but today is easier than I thought it would be. Figure that one out? I'm learning that I bounce back quickly from things. That I'm actually capable of doing more on my own than I give myself credit for. And that's a good feeling. Maybe I'll be alright after all? I guess only time will tell but atleast for today I'm fine... and I'm going to run with that feeling...maybe I've got a little bit of inner strength after all.

the last day

So I'm spending my last few hours ever in this house. As of tonight I will no longer live here. I will no longer sleep here. I will no longer eat here. I will no longer do anything here... this day has been hard. Brian came to clean up and help me take the bed apart and move stuff downstairs so it'll be easier to take out and move. I cried and cried. Which sucks because I hadn't cried in over a week and I was liking the no major emotional breakdown thing!! I knew today would be hard. I just didn't realize how hard. Suddenly I feel homeless. I'm scared of what the future will bring... of not knowing what is around the corner for me. I just want to curl up into a little ball, huddle in a corner and stop the world for a while. Sadly I don't get that option. I really wish that I was tougher, stronger somehow. That I could just do what I needed to do without even blinking an eye. No tears. Just face the future fearlessly. Strong or not I've got to move forward. I'm going to have to move my stuff out one box at a time, close the door and drive away. I just don't have a choice... and while admitting defeat and finding some dark corner of the world to hide in might be all I want to do right now... I can't let myself do it. Life is like that sometimes. You don't always get to do what you want to do. Sometimes you have to do the opposite of what you want to do. And sometimes you have to do the very thing that you never thought you'd be able to do.

too nice??

Is it possible for Brian and I to walk away from this whole thing and still remain really good friends? For years Brian was my best friend. More than losing a husband I feel like I'm losing my best friend too. I know that being friends isn't the easiest thing... it would take a lot of work and effort... but I can't just see myself cutting Brian out of my life completely. I don't see myself ever not caring about him. Sure it'll be in a different way but still... it's just all so complicated. People keep telling me I should hate him. Take him for everything he's got and not look back... but I can't do that. That's not me. I keep getting told that I'm being to nice... but I don't know any other way to be. I'm finding it hard because I think I care too much. I want him to be happy. I want him to have a good life, but it's like I see him on this crash course for disaster and... it's just hard for me to not try and help him. I've always had this misguided notion that I had to save Brian, but it's not my job to save him. I probably did more harm than good all of these years thinking that he needed me to save him. I mean how fucked up in the head must I be to actually sit here and care what happens to the guy who just up and bailed on our marriage, spent my entire last paycheck like it was his money, is out partying it up living the good life and sleeping with everyone and their sister? Guess I'm pretty f-up because despite all that I do care and I don't think that's going to change. But somehow I've got to distance myself from that. I've got to step back and let him live his life however he thinks is best. And whether I agree or think he's destined for disaster doesn't matter because it's his life and therefore it's his to live. I've got enough to worry about without throwing his issues into the mix. I really wish there was an on and off switch for these things. I'd turn off caring and turn on hating his guts because I think that is the reaction that is expected of me. But I don't want to be bitchy. I don't want to be petty. I don't want to hate him for going after what he thinks will bring him happiness. And maybe it will bring him happiness. Or maybe it won't. Either way I've got to be okay with it... I'm not Brian's savior anymore... I don't think I should have ever tried to be.