damn yo-yo

I'm so tired of feeling unstable. I'm up. I'm down. I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm like a damn yo-yo. One minute the whole world seems like shit and the next minute it's sunshine and rainbows and all things wonderful and promising. Some people say that happiness is a choice... well I'm choosing to be happy... so why are there times when it's just out of my reach. I'm trying here. (Don't I score points or get an award for trying?) Some days it's all I can do to drag myself out of bed and face the day. But I'm managing... forcing myself to go through the motions. I block out the tears and smile... half the time I'm faking it. Pretending to be alright when really I'm stressed and sad and scared and negative and... I could go on and on. I'm fighting back the depression that I can feel closing in on me. It's just so damn hard sometimes. Yeah I know, no one ever promised it would be easy and supposedly it's the tough times that make you strong... but I don't feel very strong... I'm not very strong. How long am I going to be able to keep up the charade? When is it all going to come tumbling down on top of my head? Can I pretend myself into reality? If I go through the motions enough will it suddenly become easier?
And then I'll have these little break through moments when suddenly everything seems okay. I'll smile. I'll laugh.. I'll actually enjoy a moment and my world seems to right itself and I'll think... "Okay. I've got this. I can do this. I can handle whatever life throws my way."
I'm hoping that those moments are soon going to outweigh the bad... but as long as I'm getting a few rays of sunshine coming my way I suppose I can keep dragging myself through the dark times... I guess I kind of have to. I don't really have any other choice. I have to keep forcing myself through life. The alternative would be completely falling apart and as hard as I've work to keep myself glued, stitched, or pieced together I'll be damned if I fall apart now. I refuse to shatter. Smiling or crying I'm going to keep moving forward. I have to... and sometimes it's as simple (and complicated) as that.

Thankful

This one's for you Brian...
I'm thankfully for the nine years that we spent together.
I'm thankful for the five that we were married.
I'm thankful that you loved me.
I'm thankful for your friendship.
But most of all...
I'm thankful that you let me go.

glad that's over...

Let's just clear one thing up right here and right now. There is no hope of Brian and I ever getting back together. I don't want us to get back together. Even though Brian is the one who officially ended things I am glad that the marriage is over too. Brian now, isn't the Brian I married then. I think our marriage failed for one main reason. Brian changed and I didn't change with him. With that said... if Brian hadn't of ended things I would probably still be with him, still trying to be happy, still trying to make things work... because that's what I promised to do. I took my marriage vows seriously and I would have stuck by his side even if that wasn't the best place for me. It's just a really confusing thing. I wouldn't have ended the marriage myself but I'm glad that he ended it. Like I said... confusing. I feel like I owe Brian for doing the one thing I couldn't do... ending things... they needed to be ended... I just couldn't bring myself to take that step because when I married him that is the one thing I promised never to do. We probably should have been divorced a year ago... he wanted it to be over then but I fought for my marriage. I made it work, forced it to work, sacrificed myself for a year and we still ended up at the same place anyway. With that said I don't regret one single day of my marriage... everyday, especially the 365 hard fought ones of the last year have brought me to this point and to the person I am today. I didn't give up... I tried... I feel like I held up to my part of the bargain... and that's why I feel like I can walk away knowing that this is the right thing and that I did everything in my power to honor my promise to Brian. The Brian that is no longer my Brian... because my Brian doesn't exist anymore.

freedom

So I'm sitting here eating cupcakes and drinking Mt Dew for breakfast and I think that's pretty damn sweet!!!

I can Swim

(reposting this one from my myspace page... I finally got rid of the virus so now I can actually log into my blog page)
So my computer has a virus. I've tried everything to get rid of it or atleast my dad has walked me through various ways to get rid of it and nothing works. Apparently I'm going to have to reformat or reinstall something (or everything) and then it should be fixed but my dad has to send me the disks and walk me through the process!?!? (If that sentence doesn't tell you how little I know about computers, nothing will!) Do you know what I did when my computer started refusing to work for me? I laughed! Tears rolling down my face, hysterical laughter... I mean what else was there to do but laugh after the past few weeks I've had. My husband decides he doesn't want to be married anymore. Sending me into mini-meltdown mode... okay well at times major meltdown mode. My parents want me to come home and move back into my old bedroom and I piss them off and fight with them (mainly mom) because I decide to stay here. My dog proceeds to chew up half of my belongings because I keep forgetting and leaving everything down for her to chew on. (Well maybe not half my belongings) My cell phone no longer works properly because I cried on it and therefore messed up some vital component that I'm sure I know nothing about fixing. I then go on to annoy and piss people off who are just trying to help me because I can't see past my own "my life is now over drama." And now my computer... now if only I could get my dog ran over that would complete the sob story, right? Wrong. I refuse for my life to become some sad little story. It's like this. For the past few weeks I felt like I was drowning. Like I literally couldn't keep my head above water. I've been desperately reaching out for anything or anyone to hold on to. All I could think was, "okay this is it, I'm going under and this is the end unless someone or something holds me up." I was fully prepared to go under... I was going to drown... and then yesterday it's like I woke up and remembered I could swim. Corny, I know, but it's the best way I can describe it. I don't need a raft or a lifeguard I can make it to the surface myself. I'm finally feeling "normal" again. Like I can hold my own in this world. That horrible feeling of desperation is fading. I no longer feel like I'm two seconds from bursting into tears. I no longer feel like my life is over... but rather the opposite. Sure everything is changing and that still scares me shitless but I'm okay with the change and maybe the fear isn't such a bad thing. Fear I can handle... desperation, drowing, depression I can not. Now don't get me wrong I'm not under the impression that it's smooth sailing from here on out... I'm already discovering that this is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life... but I am beginning to think I can do this... no strike that... I know I can do this. (I can swim, remember!?!) And I'm actually looking forward to living again. Not just existing, but actually living!

Me

For the longest time I let myself be defined by who I was to other people and I tried to be what they wanted. I failed at that miserably. I'm realizing now that I can only be myself. Bending to fit Brian's or anyone else's image of who or what I should be won't ever work. I'll always fall short because that isn't who I am. I won't apoligize for who I am or be ashamed of it. I might not be what Brian wanted but I am me... I'm not the party girl... the center of attention... the one who makes everyone else laugh... I'm shy... not very outspoken... in twenty six years I've never been drunk, never tried drugs, never smoked... I am the girl who waited for my wedding night... I don't do "sexy"well... I'm more comfortable with cute... I'm a horrible cook (except for pancakes!!)... I drink way too much soda and I'll eat cookies and cupcakes for breakfast... I tend to be lazy and messy at home but overly organized at work... I absolutely love my job and I'd do it forever if I could afford too...there's nothing that I'm wonderful at but I'm pretty okay at a lot of things... I tend to be too nice... I'll put someone elses comfort above my own... I'm loyal to a fault... I can't hold grudges... I get depressed to easily... I don't feel 26 more like 12... the most important thing to me in life is friends and family... I don't put to much value on things... I'm honest... I have trouble going after what I want... I doubt myself to much... worry to much... maybe I lean on people to much... I'm sarcastic... love to read... like trashy gossip magazines and Perez Hilton... I'm cheap when it comes to money... secretly like to watch reality tv... I don't like to be alone... I'm sheltered... I'll always be a daddy's girl... and even though we have our moments my mom will always be one of my best friends... I forgive to easily... I'm more comfortable in jeans than in anything else... I like my hair short... and makeup to me usually means putting on some lipgloss... I'm an amazing preschool teacher... a dedicated friend... a good daughter.... pretty alright big sister... and one day hopefully I think I'll make a great mom...
I'm not changing. I wouldn't know how to be anyone else... I don't want to be anyone else. Some things about me definately aren't perfect but they are what they are. And I am who I am. I'm proud of not changing and I'm not planning on conforming to fit anyone's ideas of who or what I should be. People can take it or leave it. Like me or hate me. I'm not ashamed. No more Elizabeth Matthews... it's time to be Elizabeth Readling again.

Things to be happy about...

#1- My phone is working again, which is beyond awesome and makes life a little less complicated seeing as I was having to use an old phone and switch out the battery every night into another one so it could charge only to put it back into my phone in the morning. (yeah that's one long run on sentence with the simple point being my phone is working)

#2- I found a place to stay here in Jacksonville that I can afford. Brian offered to let me live here in the house for as long as I needed and he'd pay the mortgage but I just don't feel like I should take advantage of that for to long. I need to stand on my own two feet, no more leaning on Brian. So having found a place to stay is a HUGE thing and one more worry off of my mind.

On my own

So..... I'm getting divorced!!!! Wow I never thought I'd ever have to type those words. I don't think that anyone ever really does when they get married. You know because of the standard "I'm going to love you forever and ever to death do us part bullshit." Sometimes it just doesn't work. Actually I think fifty percent of the time it doesn't work but still you never think that it's going to happen to you. So how am I feeling? Well let's see... I can't sleep, I'm down to 106 pounds because I can't eat, I feel absolutely lost and all alone in the world, I burst into tears randomly, and I'm scared to death because I don't know what the hell I'm going to do and what the future is going to hold... but you know what? All of that's okay because I'm here...I'm trying... and scared or not of the future tomorrow is going to come anyway... so I've got to face it. I'm trying to take each day as it comes. I've got to try and stand on my own two feet. I've been leaning on everyone around me for the past week and I've got to let go... trust myself... depend on myself. I leaned on Brian for nine years and now I find myself not knowing how to stand on my own. I've got to learn and learn fast. For once in my life I've got to make my own happiness. To learn what makes me happy and go after it. How the hell am I going to do that? Well now... that's the big question... but I'm sure sooner or later I'll find the answer.