Choices

"If you limit choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you diconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise."

Forever it seemed that I was one track minded. I wanted to try for a baby so bad... wanted pregnancy and our own biological child... couldn't wait until Brian was ready to try. And then it happened. We tried. Two months later I was pregnant. And fourteen weeks later it was over. We were devasted. It was a horrible moment in our lives but we survived. Afterwards all I could think of was trying again. The doctor gave us the go ahead to try in two months and encouragement that the next pregnancy would most likely be normal.
So now we start trying again, right?
I keep having second thoughts. That maybe having our own child isn't what is right for us now... isn't what God has planned for us... isn't what he is wanting out of us. (Now I'll be the first to admit that me and God aren't exactly on a first named basis at the moment. I struggle with my faith. I waffle and wonder @ times. I believe in him, well I'm pretty sure I do. I've been or have tried to be a loyal follower at times. All I can say is that it's like on myspace or facebook where you define your relationship status- I'd say that between me and God it's complicated) Anyway.?! Whether it's divine intervention or not, I keep having this nagging feeling that Brian and I should pursue being foster parents. Though this might seem like an idea straight out of left field I've thought of being a foster parent before. Brian and I even discussed it a few years ago. My calling in life is defiantely working with children. And Brian himself had a childhood straight out of HELL. The thought of being able to help a child out that could have just as easily been my husband 23 years ago is wonderful. But what to do. Which choice to make. If only I had a clear cut answer. Some sign to point me in the right direction. I think that's one reason that it's complicated between me and God right now. I always ask him what he wants of me but I never recieve an answer. (Or maybe I am just to blind in my faith to see his answer?) I don't need some subtle answer. Why can't God just give me a billboard or a flashing neon sign that says, "Elizabeth do this or that." Until I get my billboard I guess I'll just keep pondering the choices. Waiting and wondering and hoping that God's going to shove Brian and I in the right direction.