why isn't life fair!?

Not sure where we as humans got this whole idea that life should be fair. That if you are good and do good, good things will come your way. And if you're bad... well... watch out! It's the idea of kharma. What comes around goes around. It's a good concept in theory but I that is all it is really- a nice theory.
In truth bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. And both good and bad things happen to mediocre people. It would be nice if there was some rhyme or reason to it. Some cosmic tally sheet that in the end everyone got what they ultimatly deserved. Then we wouldn't be sitting here, head in our hands, asking God "WHY?" WHY did this happen? WHY can't I have this? WHY don't I deserve this? WHY won't you fix this?
In a way I think we are all a bit like a kid who really wants a treat.
Be nice to your brother. Do your homework. Clean up your room. Eat your vegetables and you'll get your cookie.
It's so much easier to do the quote "right things" when you know you are going to get rewarded for them. Yet somehow the "right thing" loses its value in that whole process. You are no longer doing the "right thing" because its right, you're doing it because ultimately you're going to get your prize. So now its a totally self serving and selfish process. There is no right or wrong anymore. There's just what gets me the best stuff!
And that's why a whole kharma type idea wouldn't work with God. You've got to do the right thing because it's right. You've got to try and be a better human being because it's right. You've got to strive to help... give... love... forgive... have compassion all because it's what is right. It can't be cheapened with a reward system.
So when a good friend of mine has to go through the painful process of losing her mom to cancer... or another friend has to say goodbye to her husband for a year so he can go overseas to Afganistan it's not because God thinks they're bad people. In fact if he thinks anything like me he thinks they are amazing people. But being amazing people isn't going to stop the bad things in life from happening either.
There is no reward system.
No good for the good.
No bad for the bad.
But lot's of both, especially for the mediocre!

Me?

I want to go against the grain.
Fight the sameness that I always fall into.
I've tried so hard to be the world's quote "idea of normal" that there is nothing noticeably original about me anymore. I don't want to be ashamed of who I am... or of all the little pieces, both good and bad, that I'm made up of.
For 28 years I think my biggest mistake has been learning to live around who I am instead of learning to live with it.
You can't wish pieces of yourself away... and though I know many will argue, my mom included, I don't believe you can pray them away either. I think if God is who they claim him to be he wants everyone to embrace their real self. And if you believe in that whole "we're made in God's image" mumbo-jumbo shit then even the parts of me that I hate are a reflection of who God is... and isn't that just a huge and complicated thought to try and wrap your mind around.
Do I know who God is?
No.
Do I know who I am?
Not completely.
Do I believe in the possibility that God is who "they" say he is?
I do tend to lean more towards the yes on the actual existence of God but I believe that you have to be very careful because a lot of time "they" don't know what the hell they're talking about.
Do I believe in myself?
I need to... I used to... getting back to that place might be a journey.
I do know that you can't believe in someone you don't know. You can't believe in someone you can't accept. And you can't take someone elses belief and make it your own. I have to find my own way.
It starts with me.
All of me.
What I love about me.
What I hate about me.
What I know about me.
And what I've yet to learn about me.
It all starts with me.
Not some pretend, made up, fake and re-edited version of me.
But the real me.

a part of me

I'm smiling because I'm supposed to. Trying to go through the motions because what else is there to do really? Fall apart? I can pretend all that I want to but little by little I am falling apart.
I'm tired of breaking so easily. Tired of feeling like the weakest human being on the earth. The sad little girl who can't handle what life tosses her way. I don't usually come out and tell people about this side of me. Mainly because I'm ashamed of it and wish that it wasn't a part of me. Ever since I can remember, back to elementary school even, I've struggled with social anxiety disorder and depression. It's a mental thing and since it's a mental thing I don't talk about it. Mental equals crazy (atleast in a lot of people's minds) and I hate being known as the crazy girl.
Usually it's the anxiety that's worse but little by little over the past couple of months the depression has crept up on me. Sure I recognized it but I just tried to push it down, push it back and hope that would be enough. It wasn't enough. I'm simply existing and that's not okay with me. I have nothing really to be all that depressed about which makes it all the worse that I have this gut wrenching sadness that I can't shake. To function I pretty much am walking around in a fog, mostly numb because the only strong emotion that I have been capable of feeling is sad. I don't enjoy much of anything... I simply go through the motions and respond how I know I'm supposed to respond. The only thing I really like lately is sleep. So that's what I do... I sleep... I drag myself through what I have to do... then I sleep... and the cycle repeats.
I know there's more to life than this. I deserve more from life than this. But knowing this and being able to achieve it are two different things. They say that admitting a problem is the first step in overcoming a problem... so I'm trying to get over the shame... put it down in words for anyone to see... and finally accept myself that anxiety and depression will always be a part of me.

"thanks"giving???

Here's a helpful hint. If u r cheap like me and generally only get new phones when people cast off their old ones check to make sure their phone isn't still set with their daily alarm. Or else u r going to be waking up @ 4:45 on Thanksgiving morning even though u have no turkey to put in the oven. Blah!! And so starts thanksgiving day...
I can think of a million things that I should feel thankful for but I can’t seem to muster up any real sincere thanks for any of them. Tis the season and all but I’m just not feeling it. Thoughts of turkeys make me feel empty and Christmas trees in all of their splendor leave me feeling less than spectacular in their presence. I’m not unhappy, but I’m not exactly happy either. I’m just kind of there, and not really feeling it. I feel sorta blah and I feel stuck. But worse than feeling stuck I don't know the direction I would like to go if I were to get unstuck. Whatever train of thought I'm on at any given moment can be so easily derailed and suddenly I'm on to some new idea... I can't focus... heck I don't even know where I was going with all of this!
Anyway. Guess I'll just shut up now, drink my cheerwine and hope I get one of the turkey legs at dinner! Happy (unthankful) Thanksgiving.

What I've learned Wednesdays...

1) The older I get the longer those 400 and some miles between Jacksonville and Salisbury seem to be.

2) There is a lizard that squirts blood from it's eyes and apparently crickets hear with their knees.

3) The "Shake Weight" is a real exercise tool. Look it up. Watch the infomercials. It's hilarious. (oh and ps a bit of a dirty mind is required in order to get the full effect)

4) I'm tired of feeling replaceable.

5) In exactly four days I am going to be 28. Yikes. Where can I find a rewind button?

Quote of the moment...

"Live life fully while you are here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up. You're going to anyway so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don't try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human."

the things we do...

You do some of the craziest stuff ever when entertaining eleven two year olds all day. Never imagined I'd be filling latex gloves up with water, poking holes in the fingers, and helping the kids "milk the cow." Jacksonville kids... most who've never seen a real live cow... milking pretend udders... (which they thoroughly enjoyed by the way!)... wow... oh the things we do!!!