Good to be well :)

It was back to work today after being sick since Saturday night. And though it was nice to have my work week start on Wednesday (it ends on friday!) it definitely was not nice being sick for four days :(
Now I will be the first to admit that I'm not the toughest girl when it comes to being sick but this was one of those can't even drag your butt out of bed - wanna cry- just knock me out and put me out of my misery kind of sick. On Sunday night when David came home to find me half passed out on the bathroom floor he decided it was time for a little ER visit.
I spent 5 hrs @ the hospital mostly in the bathroom puking (or more accurately non-puking: that phase when your brain still hasn't caught on to the fact that there's absolutely nothing left in your stomach to come up but you're still leaning over the toilet hacking and heaving and coughing anyway.) And when I wasn't engaged in all that loveliness I was sitting in a chair in the hallway of the ER because there wasn't an available room and since I wasn't a life threatening case I didn't get first priority. Couldn't they see I was dying just from sheer misery?!? In hindsight maybe I wasn't dying but still all I really wanted was a nice little IV and some nice little medicine to keep me from throwing up the last remnants of my stomach lining in there germ infested bathroom. And I couldn't get the previously mentioned niceness until I got a room!!!
Of course I eventually did get my IV and my medicine and the lovely Dr. Goodfriend (yes that was his name!!) told me the great news that whatever I had appeared to be viral and apart from giving me some meds to help with the puking there wasn't much he could do. Blah!!!
So needless to say Monday and Tuesday my poor little immune system was involved in World War Three and I was one unhappy gal :(
Short story long, and perhaps a little gross I'm finally feeling better and it was great to be back at work today with my fabulous kids!
Oh and a little shout out to my beyond wonderful boyfriend who took great care of me and even sat with my sad little puking self til 3 am in the ER even though he knew he had to be up @ six the next morning for his annual PT test. Can you say a mile and a half run, countless push ups and sit ups on like two hours of sleep?!?
And that is why I luv that guy :)

misplaced willpower

I haven't really been able to get myself on the whole weight loss, eat healthy and exercise bandwagon. I seriously lack any amount of willpower when it comes to this area... I lack willpower in lots of areas to be truthfully honest but that is beside the point. In fact I'm so unfamiliar with willpower that I'm not even sure if it's one word or two. Willpower or will power... who knows?!
Lack of will power (or willpower) aside, I'm back down to 125 on the scale. And yes I know the exact number because I went back to the previously mentioned terrifying aisle and purchased one! I should atleast get some points for bravery right?
The only thing I have been doing lately is being aware of what I put in my mouth. (let's not turn that sentence into anything dirty because you guys know what I mean!!!) I've cut back some on my soda and I haven't bought anything of the sweet sugary goodness variety lately.
But as for really putting in some serious effort... nope, nada, zilch. Which in turn makes me feel real guilty when poor Dave has to hear me complain once again about my tight jeans and my muffin top making an unwelcome appearance. I haven't even really earned the right to complain since I'm not giving 110% of my effort to fix the problem.
Next time I get home from work and I'm just too tired to workout or I run by McDonalds for a quick lunch I need to think of this post, or the numbers on the scale or the fact that I had to rig my work pants the other day because they refused to button... if I could force myself to remember even just one of these things maybe I'd be able to summon up some of that possibly misspelled misplaced willpower of mine and make the healthier choice instead of the the easier one.

133

The other day David and I were wondering around Walmart trying to kill time because it was pouring outside and we didn't particularly feel like wading thru one of Florida's torrential thunderstorms to get to the truck. We were looking for zip ties for some project he's working on and we, or rather I, had the misfortune of wondering down the aisle with all of the scales. In hindsight I should have known better but being ever curious I just had to step on one to see how much weight I had actually gained over the past six months or so.
133 pounds was the shocking red number staring back at me!!
I know I'm probably going to have people who want to angrily pelt me with the powered donuts that I so love for daring to complain about the scale reading 133 pounds but that is a lot of weight to me. I've never weighed this much before. All of my pants give me muffin top. My boobs are busting out of my bras and all of my cute panties can now be featured in a "crack kills" commercial.
133 pounds just isn't okay to me. It wouldn't be so bad if I knew I was eating healthy and exercising... but I'm not doing either of those things. The hard part for me to swallow is that I have never done any of those things and now here I am not sure where to start.
I guess I should just take a minute and be grateful that for 27 years of my life I never had to worry about "looking in shape" or being "skinny" I just was. And yes sadly I will say that I took it for granted. I've never developed healthy eating habits or followed an exercise routine. Guess I'm paying the price for that now.
And though it may sound weird a small part of me is kinda glad for my body finally turning on me and paying me back for all those countless cans of soda. I need to eat heathly for my heart and even though I've known that my heart isn't healthy for while now it's a lot easier to ignore your heart because you can't see it. Now that my body is starting to look unhealthy...atleast to me anyway :(... it gives me a visual reminder to watch what I'm putting in my mouth. (And yes I do realize how horribly vain it sounds to state that it's easier to eat healthy for my appearance than for my heart but that's a discussion about insecurites and self esteem best saved for another day.) I have found that being naturally thin isn't really much of an ego boost... you'd think it would be but it's not really. Actually having to work at being healthy and in shape is going to be something that I can be proud of. An actual accomplishment rather than just having been born with good genes.
I'm shooting for 120 pounds which I think is a good weight for me being that I'm fairly petite at 5'2. So I'm saying a fond farewell to that scary, depression inducing number 133... I'm glad you could stop by to visit to help get my butt in gear but I'm sorry to say that (hopefully!!!) you won't be staying around for very long.

Body and Heart Healthy??

So far mission "Body and Heart Healthy" (or atleast that's what I am dubbing it as of today... when I come up with a more catchy slogan I'll get back to you!) has completely tanked!!!
The first day I absolutely did nothing. And by nothing I mean coming home from work, grabbing a bacon cheeseburger, tater tots, and a sweet tea from Sonic and sitting my butt on the couch for the majority of the night.
Today wasn't much better but I did put in a little half hearted effort by popping in the P90X dvd and making it twenty minutes through before collasping on the floor with rubbery legs and a cramp in my side. Hmmm.... might have been the quarterpounder and fries I had not just an hour before my half hearted attempt to exercise. Or perhaps it was the fact that other than my greasy McDonalds excuse for a meal the only other thing I ate all day was powdered sugar donuts and a Mt. Dew!!
See I told you I was horrible!!! Tomorrow is a new day and I intend to do better. On the bright side I don't think I could do much worse. And considering that the bloodpressure reading is still not so great... 142/96 with a heart rate of 99... I can't afford not to do better.

Blah

Feeling kinda blah lately... with this restless unsettled sort of feeling.

Maybe it's that things with Brian aren't settled, paper work wise atleast. Just wish that I had the ability to snap my fingers and go back to being unmarried and unaffected by it all. I'm just ready to be officially divorced and fully free to move on with my life.

Or it could be that work has been kinda so-so lately. I love working with what I affectionally refer to as my kids. And I truly love some of the girls that I work with but lately I feel fairly unappreciated at the end of the day and def underpaid for what I do. And I think it's not even the underpayment that gets to me. It's just this generally working enviroment of it's never good enough... I feel like most days I bust my butt but it's all for nothing. The kids appreciate it and that should be all that matters... I need to just keep reminding myself of that fact. A big part of me thinks that it might be time to move on and start over fresh somewhere new... some place where I can make more of a difference.

And though I hate to admit it a small part of me is sad since I can only stand on the sideline as so many of my friends are starting their own families and here I am breaking mine. And yes I've met someone new... who I have come to love and I am genuinely excited for our future together... but we are so far from being in that place where we would start a family together. A part of me is sad to not be at that place in my life. It's hard to have to let go of that dream for now.

So for tonight I guess it's just blah for me... thankfully tomorrow is another day and I can't feel blah forever.

Getting healthy

I've finally decided to buckle down and really take a look @ my health. I'm 27 (not getting any younger!!!) and I already have high enough bloodpressure that the doctor's want to put me on blood pressure meds. I probably drink at least four cans of soda a day, never exercise, and live off a steady diet of fast food with a little junk food thrown in for good measure. Yeah I know... horrible right?! And now my clothes are starting to get tight (granted they are a size three) but still sooner or later my metabolism isn't going to be able to keep up with my diet. But regardless of whether or not I look healthy on the outside I know I'm not healthy on the inside. And since we were speaking of that wonderful nectar of the gods... here's a Mt. Dew toast to me getting healthier and making my heart happier without the use of any blood pressure meds!

...

You know what I've recently realized... I had a whole lot more to say when I was pissed off at Brian or scared to death of facing the world all on my own. And if you really think about it in all reality that is sort of sad. Shouldn't I have just as much to say if not more since my life has begun to fall into place again... or no that's actually misleading... things didn't just fall into place I pushed and pulled and forced them into place. It's sort of like I'm making a new life for myself now with only pieces of the old one remaining. I'm liking this new life of mine. It's never what I imagined for myself at 27 but I am honestly happy with where I'm at and where I'm going... but as I totally and completely wander off course as per usual and thoroughly butcher proper grammer and sentence structure with my run on sentences and incessant ... dot... dot... dots... the point I was getting at all along is I can easily write, rant and rave when things AREN'T going great so let's see if I can do a better job at writing and keeping track of things when they ARE going great. Dot... dot... dot.. The End. For now...