What I've learned Wednesdays...

1) The ladybug costume was a good idea in theory (not to mention pretty damn cute if you ask me) but in reality any costume with wings is bound to get annoying after ten minutes or so. And what was I really after I ditched the wings... a chick in a super short skirt who is obsessed with red and black polka-dots?! So I've decided, next halloween, nothing with wings!

2) People don't always earn or deserve your respect. Many times you've got to force yourself to give it to them anyway.

3) My grandparents were married for sixty years. (That definitely deserves a round of applause and quite possibly a standing ovation.)

Obviously I can't even count to five because I just realized I skipped #4 entirely :)

5) It is possible to be married to someone for five years... split up... and remain good friends afterwards. Brian and I are living proof of that one. Oh for sure we had our moments here and there but we've always worked and wanted our friendship to stay intact through it all and somehow (god willing for sure) that friendship has indeed survived. And I sorta think it always will.

6) I can survive six months without cable!

a bit of Fall

Atleast my trip home wasn't all sad, tearful, and gloomy. I got the chance to enjoy the fall season North Carolina style. Cool crisp jacket weather and beautifully changing leaves. Lot's different than October weekends spent at the beach in a bikini and palm trees sporting their bright green palm fronds year round. That's pretty much what you get in Florida so it was nice to get a small taste of what fall is really supposed to be like... and I already can't wait to go back at Thanksgiving!!

Not me Monday!!

There's this blog that I somehow stumbled upon one day and absolutely love. She started this whole "Not me Monday" craze so I thought "What the hell. Why not give it a try?!" Surely not as cute and well written as hers... but nevertheless here's my first shot...
I did NOT wait until thirty minutes before I left for North Carolina to pack my stuff. Nope NOT me. I am so well organized and on top of things that I would have packed the night before, therefore I would have noticed that all of my funeral appropriate attire was still hanging in my closet at the ex husband's house. So then I most certainly did NOT have to go shopping for something to wear to the funeral at the last minute. This last minute shopping trip did NOT lead me to Target to the little girls' section. Where I definitely did NOT buy two skirts in a girl's size large or otherwise known as a 10-12. Because an almost 27 year old woman would NOT be caught dead buying and wearing a little girl's skirt. How embarrassing would that be? Nor would I ever throw my dad under the bus and embarrass him or anything by mentioning that he put on his suit jacket for the funeral and pulled my high school graduation program out of the pocket. NO way would I tell you that happened because that would mean he hasn't washed his one and only suit jacket since 2001 at least. Impossible! And best of all NO one's boss would ever request that they bring proof of the funeral back to work with them. And since NO boss would ever be that insensitive to someone who's grandma just died I did NOT seriously contemplate taking pictures of my grandmother's open casket and then dropping them down on her desk in front of her upon my return to work as the required proof!! I would never think evil thoughts like that. NOT me!

simply surviving

Somedays you simply survive. From start to finish you're just glad that you made it through. Today was one of those days. My family laid my grandmother to rest today. Today we offically said goodbye. Today was in my mother's own words, "the hardest day of her life." I hated every moment of it but I wouldn't have chosen to be anywhere else. Today my mom needed me. My family needed me. My dad, as he remembered the loss of his mom just one short year ago, needed me. I don't think of myself as strong. As independent. As someone who can hold it together. Capable of carrying others along. Today I had to be all of that and more. I had to stand there, tears in my own eyes, wiping my mothers tears away. I had to hold her hand. Give my dad a reassuring hug. Smile and help my brother along. Many times all 108 pounds of me had to literally hold my mom up on her feet. Whisper encouragement to her. Help her place one foot in front of the other as we followed behind my grandmother's casket. At times I held her to me like I do the little kids in my class simply because she needed me to. I had to be her rock. I had to be strong for her. I had to help her survive this worst moment of her life. I wanted to crumble. I wanted to run and hide. I wanted to fall apart, because seeing my mom hurt like that was heartbreaking. Coming undone wasn't an option for me. I couldn't lean on anyone... not when my mom needed to lean on me. I'll never forget today... nor the moments that made me realize that I really am grown up now. That at times I really can be all I need to be and more. I never wanted to live today... but perhaps I had to... it helped me see a glimspe of what I'm really made of... I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. Today and the past six months have taught me that... or maybe it's the opposite... maybe the past six months and today is what has made me strong... either way... it may have been one of the hardest things I've had to do but I'm glad that I was able to stand side by side with my mom and be the person who she needed me to be. I'll never forget today. And I'll always be thankful that my family and I simply managed to survive it.

the things we say

Several well meaning funeral goers approach my mom and say, "Effie Mae looks so nice." "Very pretty." Etc. etc. and various comments meaning the same thing...
To which my mom would give the same deadpan response, "She just looks dead to me."

What I've learned Wednesdays...

Leaning heavily on his cane my grandfather stood in front of my grandmother's casket. I stood back as far from the open casket as possible, standing on one side of my mom, my dad on the other, both of us trying to hold her up. My grandfather just stood there. Staring as if trying to wrap his alzheimer ridden mind around the scene in front of him. His wife of sixty years laid out before him. Which is possibly the cruelest trick of all. His mind functions mostly in the past. So he forgets... forgets that his wife is gone... he'll turn to my mom, aunt, or cousin Laura and ask "Where is Effie Mae? When is she coming home?" To which of course the heartbreaking reply is, "Remember she passed away sunday night. You're going to get to see her in heaven." Suddenly he's forced to relive losing her all over again. But this specific time, in this moment, as he stands on unsteady legs in front of his wife's body he knows she's gone. Realizes she isn't coming back. If alzheimers and life was being at all fair he would forget and forget forever... but it's not fair... in this life it's only cruel. And so he stands there. Staring down at her, silently looking, tears streaming down his face. He slowly reaches out his hand to touch her and in that moment I think I hate God. Hate what he is putting this man through. Hate that my dad and I have to physically hold my mother up to keep her from collasping on the floor. Hate that my grandpa is crying. That my uncles are crying. My aunt and her daughter are crying. My mom is crying. And worst of all my dad whose so strong and so tough, always our rock is crying. He's crying for us and I know his crying for his mom who he just lost last October. I hate that I don't understand. That I can't see the big picture. I hate that I don't see the sense in all of this. I hate that I have to see my grandmother in an open casket. Hate that my grandfather now feels all alone. Hate that my mom feels like she lost her best friend. Hate that people are always left with regrets. Hate that I can't do anything. Hate that today is simply the day from hell. Hate that I've got to wake up tomorrow and do it all over again. Hate that everything always ends. And I espcially hate having to say goodbye. I hate that I've simply hated everything about today. I guess some days in life are like that. I suppose I should feel blessed that days like this have been few and far between for me. But right now, in this moment, on this Wednesday I've learned that sometimes you just can't get past the hate to appreciate anything else... and sometimes...on some days... hating everything just might be okay.

Not about me

As I laid there tonight feeling sorry for myself I had a thought. (I know... me... thinking, what a scary thought in itself!) Here I am feeling sorry for MYSELF and feeling all ALONE... but why is it all about ME, ME, ME, ME!?! When it should be all about them. My mom and aunt and uncles who just lost a mother. My grandfather, who has alzhiemers and was completly dependent on his wife. How must they feel. I try to put myself in their shoes and I can't even begin to imagine what they're going through right now. I hate that I get so caught up in ME that it takes me hours to get over MYSELF and think about them. I'm trying to get it together here... they are what is most important right now. Not me, not feeling alone, not losing a grandmother... but those closest to her that she left behind. So I better get over myself and concentrate on them if I ever have any hopes of filling those proverbial grandmothers' shoes.