living the day

spend more time with friends

Want a scary little peek into how my brain works?

I was invited to spend the day with some good friends. A saturday. A sunny day. An 80 degree day. Quality time on the water day.

If you had no other plans that would intefere with the previously described day you would be thrilled at the prospect of spending a beautiful day with some beautiful people... wouldn't you?

For me it's not that simple. For me spending the day out and about seems almost exhausting. Part of me would rather spend the day at home, inside, where I can escape back into bed whenever I so choose. I would almost rather lie in bed alone and imagine what a day like that would be like than actually go.

It's sort of sad to think that I have to talk myself into spending a day with friends. That I have to drag myself up and out of bed and force myself through the process of getting ready. What's even crazier is that I know that once I get their I will have a good time. I will be glad that I went. So why do I have to will myself into going in the first place?

Believe me, I wish I knew why I am the way that I am. But I guess an answer isn't nearly as important as the actual realization. I should probably stop asking myself "why I think this way" and instead focus my attention into combating these thoughts.

It is not okay with me to let life pass me by because it's a stuggle to get up and get out so I can enjoy the ride.

Maybe it will always be a struggle... but I've got to stop waiting for it not to be.

Stop waiting for the day when the call of my safe and comfy bed isn't as strong as all that is going on in the actual world.

Stop sulking because fighting yourself day in and day out to actual get out and enjoy life sucks the big one.

Oh well... sometimes life sucks... get over it and move on.

We all have burdens to bear and demons to conquer...

and since I am fully aware of mine...

Here's to spending the day with friends.

A saturday.

A sunny day.

An 80 degree day.

A much needed out and about day!

what i didn't see

Do I get so involved in my own life that I fail to see what is going on in the life of others?

Recently a situation with a really good friend has made me question myself. Even saying "good friend" I feel extremly guilty because I feel like I wasn't the best friend to her. I knew something was off. Thought to myself he wasn't a "good" guy. But can you base a warning soley around the fact that everything in you thinks the guy is a complete "loser." Does that give you the right to bash whoever your friend chooses to be with and encourage her to leave? And even though I had nothing but negative feelings for the guy I never entertained the idea that he would be violent?

Why didn't I see it? Looking back I remember little things I should have pieced together. All the times she was sore from working out. The cigarette burn on her forehead. The time she told me he got in her face and she was afraid he was going to punch her. The one and only time she confided to me she was afraid to leave.

She was unhappy and even without the abuse it was a horrible situation for her and her kids to be in. At times I encouraged her to leave. Made sure she knew that I would be there for her... hell some friends and I even lined up a place for her to live, arranged for someone to watch the baby while she was at work and I even offered her my car to drive til she could save for her own... but still she stayed.

Stayed while she worked and he did nothing but sit at home on his ass. Stayed when he ran up money on her debit card and overdrafted her account by thousands of dollars. Stayed when his lack of even trying to get a job caused them to be homeless for a short time. Stayed when two weeks after having the baby she was working a cleaning job til she was medically cleared to come back to her real job while he still sat on his ass. Stayed when there wasn't any money for food and at times she wouldn't eat just to make sure her girls ate. Stayed when he was abusing her...
This idea is so foreign to me and I just can't wrap my head around it. I'm not so naive to think that situations like this don't happen... or maybe I am... compare to most I've lived a sheltered life... I think I forget the capacity people have to be insanely cruel and evil... but that still isn't a good excuse...

I should have known. I should have paid more attention. I should have tried harder to get her to leave. All I'm left with are a lot of should have's and a friend who really needed me... and I wasn't there.

What I've learned Wednesdays...

1) Darth Vader saves Luke at the end of the last movie. He turned away from the dark side!! So why does Vader get such a bad rap!? Here I was, for 28 yrs thinking that he was evil through and through when he actually gave up his life to save his son. (hmmm...maybe I should have watched the movies sooner.) Sorry Vader. I think you rock!

2) David was right. Home Depot sells grommets.

3) You are never too old to sleep with a stuffed animal. I love you Mr. Clown, even if you do look like a squid! You will always have a place in my bed!

teepees and such

What was on my agenda this past weekend?
Got the chance to spend a little time with an old friend who was in town for a couple days and finally got to meet her adorable baby!
Pizza and a movie with David. Though I didn't even make it fifteen minutes in and passed out before ten on a friday night. (Yes I know I am sounding old and very lame!)
A little Saturday afternoon shopping at Kohls. Lot's of cute purchases made even better by the fact that I still had my $50 gift card from Christmas! (thanks babe)
David and I went to see "Red Riding Hood". Okay movie... not sure it was worth the $10 but atleast we saved on snacks by sneaking in our own in my giant purse.
On Sunday I made the boyfriend accompany me on a little trip to Home Depot and then elected him my official teepee building assistant. Trying to stay true to my promise - to go above and beyond the minimum required in life - I wanted to build a teepee to enhance the playground at work. And though I am pretty sure I broke the "rules" in the process... purchasing supplies with my own money and working on work related projects off the clock... I succeeded in making one badass little teepee out of pvc pipe, a canvas drop cloth. string, and some shower curtain rings.
To every geeks pure horror (including my boyfriend's), sunday night, at the ripe old age of 28, I finally completed watching the entire Star Wars series. And you know what? The movies weren't nearly as horrible as I thought they would be!

cross one off the list ;)

Guess which item I get to check off of " The Things I Need to/Want to do but Never Actually get Around to Doing them List"? (Perhaps I need a shorter more efficient name for this list?)

drum roll please....

pause for suspense....

I bought a new pair of khaki work pants!

Now don't shake your heads in disappointment. I've gotta start somewhere and since every single pair of work pants I own now has at least one hole in them somewhere it was a much needed purchase even if it wasn't an exciting one.
You can however shake your heads in disappointment to the purchase of a Hershey's chocolate cream pie that I did buy and have as my dinner.
Oh well.
One step forward.
Two steps back!

What I've learned Wednesdays

1) Luv stale cheetos but there's nothing worse than flat soda!

2) In life I'm barely skimming the surface. In almost everything and every situation I do just enough to get the job done. As for going above and beyond or out of my way... ha, forget it! Life is a one time only go around so why am I not leaving it all out on the playing field? I need to give more. Try harder. Stop settling for mediocre.

3) My hair, which used to be stick straight, now seems to have quite a bit of wave to it. Weird!

4) I hate throwing up! Especially at work! Specifically in miniature little kid toilets!

5) I obviously have not learned anything when it comes to procrastinating and writing essays on the day they are due! Oh well. Maybe one day I'll learn my lesson... or if I keep making 100's on my last minute essays, I probably won't ;)

the list

I always mean to do a better job at keeping up with this whole blogging thing. Fact is I always mean to do alot of things...

finally fill out and file those divorce papers

file my taxes

study and CLEP a few classes so I can finish my associates by next spring

separate mine and Brian's car insurance

get insurance lined up for when my divorce is final

eat healthy

exercise

lose five or ten pounds

call my mom more

not always procrastinate on my school work

clean out my teacher's closet @ work

buy some new khaki pants for work

go to the tanning bed

run a 5K

hang out with friends more

take a vacation with the boyfriend

Really the list could go on and on... yet all I do is sit and stress about all of these things that I need/want to do... some big and others small... but the point is I never do them. I feel like I barely have the energy to even think about getting them done much less accomplishing the actual goal of completing them.

That's what I've always excelled at most in life - Never completing anything!

And I guess it's been this self fulfilling prophecy for me. I'm easily overwhelmed and perhaps just a bit too intimidated to even start. I'm depressed and I know it but yet I sit and do nothing. I want things to change but I never take the time to actual work at changing them!

Too often I use my depression or anxiety as an excuse. Or as a crutch. I'll ride it out until I'm on an upswing and then get as much done in that time as possible.

Well that game plan isn't working! I've got to learn to make myself function and get things done even when the depression and anxiety are present. I can't simple sit on my ass and expect a free pass until I feel like I can better handle a situation. I've got to learn how to handle things as they come. Not stuff all of my problems into box expertly wrapped with duct tape and labeled "To be opened when I'm having a better day!"

My life is now! Today! Not Tomorrow! And I need to start living it as such.