I should be doing homework but...

I have my mom's smile...

And my dad's eyes...
And somehow the face of a twelve year old!!!

What I've learned Wednesdays...

1) Don't put marshmallows in your pocket.

2) I'm almost twenty seven years old and have never had so much as a sip of alcohol and I realized that if you asked me why I don't drink I'd have no reason to give you. Other than that I never have so I don't. You'd think there would at least be some reason for it? Surely I must have some great philosophical, soul defining, deep dark secret kind of explanation? (Well... whenever I figure that one out I'll let you know.)

3) If the clutch isn't all the way to the floor my car will grind in fifth gear.

4) Apparently according to one of the three year olds, "I have chocolate hair." I sorta like that description.

5) I hate buying jeans.

6) Don't wait to the last minute to completely write an essay from start to finish. Because then you end up writing the damn thing until three in the morning. "Eight Hundred and Sixty Miles Worth of Dental Phobia" I'm sure it's quite the fascinating read!

7) No matter what I do or how careful I am I always cut myself whenever I shave my legs. Always!

8) I should never, ever, under in circumstances go with my first impulse.

the things we say

"Get out of the dirt."
"But..."
"No buts... we don't play in the dirt."
"But we're making a baby."
"You need sperm and an egg to make a baby... now get out of the dirt!"

As I'm walking away I'm thinking to myself "Did I really just say that to my two years olds?" And now I'm wondering how I'm going to explain it when one of my kids goes home and uses the word "sperm!"

Tonight

I feel lonely,
and that sucks.
I'm crying,
and believe me that sucks even more.
I hate to cry.
But even more than that I hate being lonely.
Most of the time I'm good...
Really...
I promise I am.
But every now and then...
I'm lonely.
I cry.
And I hate myself for it.

whatever happens, happens

"Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past... stop planning the future... stop trying to figure out exactly how we feel... stop deciding with our mind what we want our heart to feel and sometimes we just have to go with... whatever happens... happens."

What I've learned Wednesdays...

1) Candy corn is fantastic and apparently you can buy it year round not just around Halloween... who knew?!?!

2) I'll probably always opt for the cute Halloween costume over sexy. I'm just more comfortable with cute... besides cute can be sexy! Lady bugs are sexy! Right?

3) I am not a casual sex kind of girl. (And we'll just leave that revelation at that!)

4) Snickers icecream bars are pretty amazing, almost worth the nearly four dollars you pay for just for six of them.

5) If you don't know the rules to the game you better stick to the bench. Don't try to wing it or half ass it. People will assume you know the rules and ask you to play on their team for awhile but trust me... just sit this one out. If you choose to play anyway you'll only have yourself to blame when you lose, unknowingly cheat, or commit a flagrant foul and get ejected. And if halfway into the third quarter you decide the games not for you... well... you can always cut your loses, forfeit and move on. But your old teamate might not think the best of you for it.

6) Always tell the truth. And never accept less than the truth from someone else.

7) I don't think there is anything wrong with taking sex seriously. Some people do, some people don't... I just happen to be a definate DO on that one. And just because I take sex seriously doesn't mean I take everything seriously so don't confuse the two.

8) y=mx+b , y's only equal 0 , x's only is always undefined , and XOXO equals hugs and kisses

life the Elizabeth Readling way

My great-aunt Polly died yesterday... if anything in life ever puts things into perspective it's death. Suddenly you're reminded that this isn't a forever kinda thing we've got going here. It's time sensitive. And no one is getting out alive. In that sense I guess death is a good thing. It reminds us to live. To enjoy the time we have. To not dwell on what could have been or what should have been but to take what we are given and run with it. Losing my grandmother's sister is like losing one more link to my grandmother. My namesake was a fantastic woman... a fighter... early on in life she had more than her fair share of tough breaks and at a young age she carried the weight of the world on her shoulders... taking over raising her six younger brothers and sisters when her mother couldn't. Compared to her I am nothing. I've never faced the challenges she faced... never demonstrated the ultimate grace under pressure that was totally and completely her! Even though the big guy upstairs and I aren't nearly as close as we should be I def believe in something after this crazy ride called life. If my grandmother could look down and see me would she be proud of me? Would my grandfather? I'm not so sure of the answer to that question... I think it would be a little yes and a bit of no. I'm not sure if it's because of where I was raised or because of the people who helped to raise me but my values, beliefs and standards don't always match everyone elses. I think that my grandmother would want me to be proud of who and what I am... not ashamed... not feeling like I need to change myself to better fit in. Death reminds me of my grandmother. My grandmother reminds me of the way I should be living my life. I should be living it the Elizabeth Readling way. I should take everything that I learned from her and apply it to who I am and be proud of that... which hopefully would have made her proud to.

What I've learned Wednesdays...

1) I always have and will hate tuna fish... not only does it taste nasty but it smells nasty too!

2) If you don't wash the little smashed bug guts and body parts off the front of your car after awhile the acid in the remains of their disgusting little bodies will eat through your paint and you'll be forever driving around with a million little bug imprints on the front of your car!

3) Work plus school equals a fairly exhausted me!

4) My mom and I frequently don't see eye to eye. I'm beginning to learn how to listen to her opinion and take it for what it is... just an opinion... I'm making my own choices now... and just because something might disappoint her isn't reason enough not to do it.

5) Bullshit must be low in carbs. I should have gained twenty pounds just from how much of it I've been fed lately.

6) I'm naive (I haven't decided if this is going to be an asset or present a problem for me)

7) I'll probably always want to help Brian out. I guess when you've loved someone you want to see them do well in life, to succeed, to find happiness.

8) It's best to expect nothing from others...

9) ...but to expect everything from yourself.

when life breaks down...

"I wanted to write about the moment when all of your addictions no longer hide the truth from you. When your whole life breaks down. That's the moment when you have to somehow choose what your life is going to be about."

"Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves."

I find myself increasingly self examinate lately. I've always over thought things a bit much but now I think it's to the extreme. Not that it's necessarily a bad thing... I think it's important for me to honestly know who I am and where I'm at in this exact moment so that I can decide where I want to go. I'm all about moving forward lately. Overcoming things that hold me back... (though in truth it's mainly only myself that holds me back.) I don't want to walk through life day by day, aimlessly, never doing or being anything worthwhile. Because surely life was meant for more than that. Maybe I'm wrong... maybe their isn't really a purpose to life at all other than just to live it.... but if I'm wrong don't tell me... I'd like to think that there's more. That I'm more than just one more person wandering through life with no direction and no reason for being. I think it's been good for me to have to start all over again. Somehow I reached the age of 26 still in a bubble. Still fairly innocent and naive. I've never really had it tough... never struggled... never faced any real challenges. So in turn I am a person who gives up to easily, doesn't know how to rely only on myself, has no drive, no perseverence... usually when the going gets tough I just quit. But now I can't be that person... I don't want to be that person. And for that reason I'm glad that I've had to break my whole life down. Broken is good. Except now I am faced with the challenge of rebuilding it. I figure I can do one of two things. Sit and sulk about how my perfect fairy tale ending has gone out the window. Or I can embrace life as it is. Appreciate where I'm at and take this moment to "somehow choose what my life is going to be all about."

Broken

Tonight I might cry for all of the things that I've lost and for all of the issues that I've now gained. I'll cry and tell myself it's not fair. I'll want to scream and curse god for the unfairness of it all. Because now not only am I alone but I have all of these internal conflicts and insecurites that I'm suddenly coming to the realization that I've got to deal with. That it wasn't just my marriage that was broken but now I'm broken inside because of it. I'll probably cry myself to sleep tonight but when tomorrow comes I'll have to wash all traces of those tears away. Crying for myself isn't going to help. Feeling sorry for myself isn't going to get me anywhere. Crying in the end is useless. I am what I am now... but I don't have to be that me in the future. One night of dwelling on it is all that I'm allowed... after tonight I'll have to face who and what I've become head on. Remove the broken pieces and replace them with something new and improved. I can't use my divorce and bad marriage as a crutch. I'm the only person in charge of me. And if I'm broken then I'm in charge of fixing it. No excuses. There might be tears tonight... but in the morning I'm moving on.

me now...

I'm insecure.
At times I think I might be alone forever.
I don't feel beautiful.
I don't feel smart enough.
Or independent enough.
Or funny enough.
Or likable.
Deep down Brian leaving me made me feel unwanted.
Like I wasn't good enough.
Somedays I'm lonely.
Somedays I'm scared.
I don't talk about these things.
Don't want to admit that a big part of me is still broken inside.
It's easier to put on a smile.
Laugh at the appropiate times.
Make the appropiate responses.
Pretend that all is well and good.
That I'm whole.
Not still on the edge of the cliff.
Constantly trying to pull myself back.
I haven't cried in months.
But that's not because I haven't wanted to.
Maybe I should cry.
Cry for the girl I used to be.
Who was confident.
Didn't second guess everything.
Didn't cling on to people for dear life.
The girl who was innocent.
Who thought love really could conquer it all.
That life was fair.
The girl that I'll never be again.

a definate problem...

This is going to be a definate problem. I don't know how to read guys... I don't know what the hell they are really thinking... what they really want... I'm pretty much clueless. I guess that's what happens when you are with someone since you were eighteen yrs old til 26... you don't learn those basic skills so to speak. I'm probably going to have horrible luck trying to date. I'm going to say the wrong things and do the wrong things and expect the wrong things... I feel sorry for any guy that potentially crosses my path really. I'm probably going to put him through hell... which means no sane guy is going to stick around. Not to mention all of the issues I'm carrying over from my marriage!!! Wow... I'm going to be quite the catch... ummm not!!!! I hate this feeling like an idiot thing, this clueless, helpless, I make myself look like a total ass because I don't know what the hell I'm doing thing. Isn't there a self help book or something for this? Here's the sucky part though. I really want to date... see who else is out there...possibly meet the right guy for me one day. And this is where I insert the whole I want someone to find me likable not just do-able... well I guess do-able is ok as long as I'm likable too! I don't want to just be someone's good time... their fuck buddy so to speak. Not that there's anything wrong with that if that's your thing... but for me it's wrong... I want more out of someone than just that. I want to be looked at as more than that. Is that to much to ask for? Maybe it is and maybe I'll never find it but atleast I won't have settled for less than I'm looking for. Now if only I knew how the hell to go about finding what I want or what the hell to do with the guy if I did find him? Like I said- this is going to be a definate problem.

A little "Kung Fu Fighting" and all is right with the world.

So I have this two year old little boy in my class. Will call him J. Well I was soooo annoyed by him at first. I know annoyed by a two year old, who isn't right? But usually I love most of the two's in my class it's only very rarely that I just really find myself having a hard time liking a kid. Anyway. So J doesn't talk... he doesn't follow any direction... doesn't play with toys unless you count throwing them or knocking them off shelves playing with them. He doesn't play with the other kids unless of course you also count pushing, hitting, or trying to scratch the other kids "playing with them." And of course this week at the lovely old age of 26 I finally started back to school to finally finish what I began so very long ago. Which is pretty huge for me because school has never really been my thing... I was never one who just loved going to school. To say I was exhausted, grumpy, easily annoyed by everything this past week would have been a definate understatement. By Wednesday I was so over it. Pretty much thinking that I had gotten myelf in over my head by trying to work full time and go to school full time to. Yeah I know people do it all the time... I just never have... so I was feeling pretty overwhelmed and stress by it all. Let's insert J back into the story. Over the past two weeks I have been making a huge effort to spend lot's of one on one time with J. Trying to teach him words, get him to follow simple directions, not throw every toy he picks up across the room and not to full on attack all of his classmates that get to close to him. All my efforts seemed to be for nothing. Except that now J thinks I'm his best friend and follows me everywhere and screams any time I leave the room. FML... all I've done is make things more difficult and stressful for myself... not to mention that sadly I still can't really stand the kid. (Horrible I know!!!) Atleast this was before "Kung Fu Fighting." We have this Disney move it cd that has all of these old school songs on it. There's "Shout", "We will Rock you", "ymca" and of course "Kung Fu Fighting". The kids love this cd. Anyway. Wednesday I pop in this cd and here I am dancing around with the kids, looking like a hug idiot I'm sure, and carrying around J my new thirty plus pound best friend on my hip when Kung Fu fighting comes on. So now to totally add to my coolness factor I'm karate chopping and kicking with the best of them. All of a sudden J begans to laugh hysterically!!! No big deal right? Well this kid has been in my class for two or three months now and I hardly ever see him smile and I've most def never heard him laugh. Yet here he is with the biggest shit eating grin on his face... cracking up everytime I karate chop and follow it up with "Hii-ya" (Complete dork, I know) Suddenly I'm laughing with him and hitting repeat on the CD player and we're "kung fu fighting" over and over again. Then he raises his arm... does a little karate chop of his own... and says "hii-ya!!!!!!" And just that easy suddenly all is right with the world. My little J that never talks that never does anything just said a word other than bye-bye. And yes I'm counting "hii-ya" as a word I don't care what anyone says. Just to hear him laugh and actually process and learn something I was doing with him... one of the greatest feelings in the world. Suddenly I love this kid... this kid is the reason I do what I do... this kid is the reason I am exhausting myself going to school along with work. One little karate chop and I'm reminded that this is one of the things I want to do with my life. Working with special needs kids and being able to help them, teach them something, improve upon their life somehow. I don't care that I'm exhausted, that I have such a long way to go until I'm done with that hated thing called school. This is what life is all about. It's not just about me... it might sound corny but it's about doing what you were put here to do. And I guess in the grand scheme of things teaching one kid something as simple as a make believe word and yet another way to beat up on his friends with his new found karate chop ability doesn't mean much. But to him it did. To his family and speech therapist it did. To me it did. Of course now I am sick to death of hearing that stupid song but I'll continue to play it just to hear him laugh, say "hii-ya" and karate chop like a champ! Isn't it crazy that a little song like "kung fu fighting" can turn your whole outlook around! I suppose life is just funny that way