I made this music player at MyFlashFetish.com.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
God and reasons?
"Everything happens for a reason!"
The catch all phrase to explain the unexplainable. People love to say that God has plans that us mere humans cannot even begin to understand. And that God never gives you more than you can handle. As if God perches upon the edge of some golden throne in heaven and imposes his wishes at will... "that one I will allow to lose a child, no worries she can handle it"... "oh and that young man can battle cancer, sure he'll have a tough go at it for awhile but he will come out of the whole ordeal with a new lease on life"... "perhaps this one can lose her job, house, and family all in one day, in ten years she'll understand why"
Oh ye of little faith. (Me of little faith.) Maybe it's just me but I have a hard time believing in a God who ALLOWS horrible things to happen to his followers. Or even perhaps causes them to happen. I believe in a higher power I'm just trying to come to my own conclusion of what God is to me. I feel like for the past 25 years my view of God has been dead wrong. For the longest time I thought, wished, or hoped that if I believed enough, prayed enough, worshipped enough that God would somehow ease this or that, give me this or that, so on and so forth. Yet if God did do all those things who wouldn't believe in him? You could pray yourself to a new car or worship your way out of any illness. As depressing and as sad as it may be I don't think that God (generally, I'm open to exceptions) has his hand in our lives on earth. Here he doesn't impose his will, rather it's our will or the will of the world that we live by. I'm not by any means saying that God isn't present... just that he isn't governing events or placing things in our paths for us to learn from. I don't think that a loving God would do that. (Why would he give me hope of a child only to take it back fourteen weeks later) I think that life is just life...that things happen for no rhyme or reason... and to keep from becoming too terrified of the uncertain of it all we invent and create reasons. Is it so bad of a thought to say that it is just because it is? Maybe I'm completely off base and two weeks from now I could be writing pages and pages on what God has personally done for me in my daily life but for now I'm not convinced that their is any devine reasoning behind earthly events. The trick here is believing in GOD despite, or should I say in spite, of the lack of rhyme or reason. And I do. Somehow in someway I do believe in GOD. I just need to sort out who my GOD is and what he means to me.
The catch all phrase to explain the unexplainable. People love to say that God has plans that us mere humans cannot even begin to understand. And that God never gives you more than you can handle. As if God perches upon the edge of some golden throne in heaven and imposes his wishes at will... "that one I will allow to lose a child, no worries she can handle it"... "oh and that young man can battle cancer, sure he'll have a tough go at it for awhile but he will come out of the whole ordeal with a new lease on life"... "perhaps this one can lose her job, house, and family all in one day, in ten years she'll understand why"
Oh ye of little faith. (Me of little faith.) Maybe it's just me but I have a hard time believing in a God who ALLOWS horrible things to happen to his followers. Or even perhaps causes them to happen. I believe in a higher power I'm just trying to come to my own conclusion of what God is to me. I feel like for the past 25 years my view of God has been dead wrong. For the longest time I thought, wished, or hoped that if I believed enough, prayed enough, worshipped enough that God would somehow ease this or that, give me this or that, so on and so forth. Yet if God did do all those things who wouldn't believe in him? You could pray yourself to a new car or worship your way out of any illness. As depressing and as sad as it may be I don't think that God (generally, I'm open to exceptions) has his hand in our lives on earth. Here he doesn't impose his will, rather it's our will or the will of the world that we live by. I'm not by any means saying that God isn't present... just that he isn't governing events or placing things in our paths for us to learn from. I don't think that a loving God would do that. (Why would he give me hope of a child only to take it back fourteen weeks later) I think that life is just life...that things happen for no rhyme or reason... and to keep from becoming too terrified of the uncertain of it all we invent and create reasons. Is it so bad of a thought to say that it is just because it is? Maybe I'm completely off base and two weeks from now I could be writing pages and pages on what God has personally done for me in my daily life but for now I'm not convinced that their is any devine reasoning behind earthly events. The trick here is believing in GOD despite, or should I say in spite, of the lack of rhyme or reason. And I do. Somehow in someway I do believe in GOD. I just need to sort out who my GOD is and what he means to me.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Jogging in the Rain
I hate to say this but, jogging is actually beginning to grow on me. I know, I know, I'm even shocked to be writing it myself. There's just something satisfying about running, channeling all of your energy into moving forward, step after step. It's nice to feel my daily sidewalk journey getting easier and easier the more I travel it. To be able to run the same distance with less effort than the day before. It's also nice to have my husband as my running partner. We talk more jogging and walking then we do sitting on the couch. It's great getting to spend that extra time doing something together since we spend most of the day apart at work. Tonight's jog should have been a disaster, the only reason it wasn't was Brian. I had horrible cramps and once we were a mile and a half away from the house it began to rain! So here I am PMSing, crampy, and jogging in the rain. I'm complaining and Brian is smiling. He is laughing and singing every song he can think of that is about rain. It's Februaury, we're running in the rain and he thinks it's great fun!! He gave me his hoody to wear so I'd stay warm and grabbing my hands tries to dance around with me saying how romantic it is to be stuck together out in the rain. Somehow with cold rain pouring down on me and a combination of snot and water running down my face from my nose, romance is the farthest thing from my mind. Yet here he is having a grand old time... so I can't help but to laugh along with him. He's funny and cute and soaking wet. He makes me shiver a little less. Forget the water sloshing around in my running shoes. Makes me so grateful that I have him to "run" through life with! Even if sometimes it is in the pouring rain!
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Happy Birthday Ciara!!
Ciara decorating her birthday cake.
New shoes.
"Hook Em Horns" Madison!!!
She has absolutely no fear, she'd climb to the top of everything if we let her.
Sliding down the fireman's pole.
Spinning round and round!!!
To Madison that is NOT the "Rock On" symbol, she's a Texas girl so it's "Hook 'Em Horns."Today Brian and I stole Madison (our good friends Dallas and Megan's daughter) and headed over to Ciara's eighth birthday party. Afterwards we went to the park and let Madison run off some of that birthday cake energy before we returned her home!
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Icyhot
Ah, the smell of icyhot!!! For the past week or so that seems to be all I smell. I smell like icyhot. My husband smells like icyhot. Our bedroom smells like icyhot. Even our cats smell like icyhot. (Don't even ask about that one? Brian thought it would be an interested experiment to put it on Gangsta Whitie and Cameron and watch for their reaction.) Why does everything in my world smell like icyhot?? The culprit of that would be "the muffin top." Brian and I have continued to go jogging around the neighborhood most days after work. Even though I come away with sore and achy muscles I'm actually making progress. Today we ran just over a half mile without me dropping dead onto the sidewalk. It may not seem like much of a distance but when you take into effect that I have got to be the worst jogger ever... well lets just say the distance is a virtual marathon for me. (Thank God Florida doesn't have hills- though the 80 plus degree weather in February isn't helping!) I'm starting to be able to push myself a few more blocks than my body wants to go. That's a small milestone, being able to talk myself out of giving up. Whether I learn to like it or not I'm going to keep running. It's been good for me. And as small a thing as it seems it feels good to acomplish the small goals that I set for myself. Brian makes me run one lightpost farther everyday. So here's to conquering "the muffin top" one lightpost at a time!
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Waiting on billboards
Still no billboards.
In a way I think that God conceals from us his exact wants and needs. Us having free will and all he probably has to. He can't tell us what to do- that would defeat the purpose. Answers being concealed as they are and all I think that maybe foster care is an easy out for me. Don't get me wrong, it's a wonderful thing and I think that I'm meant to do it one day but right now for me it's like a cop out. With foster care you know that the child will eventually be taken away. With foster care their is certainty. You are aware of the outcome before you enter in to it. With trying to have another baby their is no certainty, no guarenteed outcome. I'm scared of losing another child. Scared of trying. I'm afraid of not knowing how things will turn out. Does that knowledge give me my answer. I'm not sure. I really want Brian and I to have a baby of our own but do I have the guts to try? Can I handle it if something goes wrong again? Let me try this one more time...come on God...
Where is my billboard?
In a way I think that God conceals from us his exact wants and needs. Us having free will and all he probably has to. He can't tell us what to do- that would defeat the purpose. Answers being concealed as they are and all I think that maybe foster care is an easy out for me. Don't get me wrong, it's a wonderful thing and I think that I'm meant to do it one day but right now for me it's like a cop out. With foster care you know that the child will eventually be taken away. With foster care their is certainty. You are aware of the outcome before you enter in to it. With trying to have another baby their is no certainty, no guarenteed outcome. I'm scared of losing another child. Scared of trying. I'm afraid of not knowing how things will turn out. Does that knowledge give me my answer. I'm not sure. I really want Brian and I to have a baby of our own but do I have the guts to try? Can I handle it if something goes wrong again? Let me try this one more time...come on God...
Where is my billboard?
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Choices
"If you limit choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you diconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise."
Forever it seemed that I was one track minded. I wanted to try for a baby so bad... wanted pregnancy and our own biological child... couldn't wait until Brian was ready to try. And then it happened. We tried. Two months later I was pregnant. And fourteen weeks later it was over. We were devasted. It was a horrible moment in our lives but we survived. Afterwards all I could think of was trying again. The doctor gave us the go ahead to try in two months and encouragement that the next pregnancy would most likely be normal.
So now we start trying again, right?
I keep having second thoughts. That maybe having our own child isn't what is right for us now... isn't what God has planned for us... isn't what he is wanting out of us. (Now I'll be the first to admit that me and God aren't exactly on a first named basis at the moment. I struggle with my faith. I waffle and wonder @ times. I believe in him, well I'm pretty sure I do. I've been or have tried to be a loyal follower at times. All I can say is that it's like on myspace or facebook where you define your relationship status- I'd say that between me and God it's complicated) Anyway.?! Whether it's divine intervention or not, I keep having this nagging feeling that Brian and I should pursue being foster parents. Though this might seem like an idea straight out of left field I've thought of being a foster parent before. Brian and I even discussed it a few years ago. My calling in life is defiantely working with children. And Brian himself had a childhood straight out of HELL. The thought of being able to help a child out that could have just as easily been my husband 23 years ago is wonderful. But what to do. Which choice to make. If only I had a clear cut answer. Some sign to point me in the right direction. I think that's one reason that it's complicated between me and God right now. I always ask him what he wants of me but I never recieve an answer. (Or maybe I am just to blind in my faith to see his answer?) I don't need some subtle answer. Why can't God just give me a billboard or a flashing neon sign that says, "Elizabeth do this or that." Until I get my billboard I guess I'll just keep pondering the choices. Waiting and wondering and hoping that God's going to shove Brian and I in the right direction.
Forever it seemed that I was one track minded. I wanted to try for a baby so bad... wanted pregnancy and our own biological child... couldn't wait until Brian was ready to try. And then it happened. We tried. Two months later I was pregnant. And fourteen weeks later it was over. We were devasted. It was a horrible moment in our lives but we survived. Afterwards all I could think of was trying again. The doctor gave us the go ahead to try in two months and encouragement that the next pregnancy would most likely be normal.
So now we start trying again, right?
I keep having second thoughts. That maybe having our own child isn't what is right for us now... isn't what God has planned for us... isn't what he is wanting out of us. (Now I'll be the first to admit that me and God aren't exactly on a first named basis at the moment. I struggle with my faith. I waffle and wonder @ times. I believe in him, well I'm pretty sure I do. I've been or have tried to be a loyal follower at times. All I can say is that it's like on myspace or facebook where you define your relationship status- I'd say that between me and God it's complicated) Anyway.?! Whether it's divine intervention or not, I keep having this nagging feeling that Brian and I should pursue being foster parents. Though this might seem like an idea straight out of left field I've thought of being a foster parent before. Brian and I even discussed it a few years ago. My calling in life is defiantely working with children. And Brian himself had a childhood straight out of HELL. The thought of being able to help a child out that could have just as easily been my husband 23 years ago is wonderful. But what to do. Which choice to make. If only I had a clear cut answer. Some sign to point me in the right direction. I think that's one reason that it's complicated between me and God right now. I always ask him what he wants of me but I never recieve an answer. (Or maybe I am just to blind in my faith to see his answer?) I don't need some subtle answer. Why can't God just give me a billboard or a flashing neon sign that says, "Elizabeth do this or that." Until I get my billboard I guess I'll just keep pondering the choices. Waiting and wondering and hoping that God's going to shove Brian and I in the right direction.
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