"Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self respest, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old."
To our baby that never got to be...
I never thought to pray for you. Not for your safety or your well being. I just thought... guess I just thought that everything would be fine. Stupid me, huh? Everything wasn't fine. And that makes me mad. It makes me bitter. To know there are people out there who didn't want children, don't want them, yet still have them. I'm sure it's wrong to look at people and think that you deserve a baby more than them, but that is what I find myself doing. It makes me feel badly about myself to even think that and to judge others worth as parents that way, but if I'm being honest that is how I feel.. I think to myself... I'm twenty five. Brian and I have been married for over four years. We own a home. I don't drink or party. I've worked in childcare for over five years now. What gives? Why take you away, but give babies to others.. I wanted you. Planned for you. Your daddy wanted you. God knows your grandmother wanted you. Wanted but taken away. You were never here but you have things. A toy aquarium. Bibs. Books. Halloween and Christmas outfits you were supposed to wear. There all here. Packed away in a box. Placed in a closet. Your stuff is here. But you're not. You'll never get to use it. I save it. Save it for the baby we still hope to have. Yet that baby won't be you. Will I find it weird that they're using your things. I can't bring myself to get rid of it. And why keep it if I'm not going to use it. It's just that I wanted you to use it. That's my problem I still want for what can't be. Will I ever move out and away from the past. I want for you to be here... still inside of me... growing... waiting...and finally arriving. All of that just can't be. It just won't be.
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