Battle of the "muffin top."

Day two in the battle of the muffin top!
Let's be honest. I'm not even sure if you could call what I have a "muffin top." Afterall it's just my curves rebelling against my size two jeans... but I refuse to go up a size... I will win this battle and tame my little muffin belly back into submission. Realistically can I expect to be the same size and shape I was when I was eighteen? Probably not but I can try!!! Yesterday my husband and I went on over a three mile walk and today we did a walk/jog, well mostly walk (thanks to me) of two and a half miles. I am most defiantly not a natural runner. I've always envyed those people who seem to get joy and relaxation out of a nice jog. Try as I might I fear that will probably never be me! I huffed and puffed. My legs burned and my sides ached and I felt like I was about to hurl every few minutes or so. And when then going gets tough, the tough get going right? No. I stop and suck for air like I'm drowning and double over in pain. I don't seem to have that motivation, that extra push, that ability to block out the pain and continue. I give up way to easily and I don't really like that about myself. Maybe this whole jogging thing will turn into more than just a weapon against the muffin top. Maybe it will turn into a tool of self improvement. Eventually maybe I'll learn how to push myself. How to keep going and moving ahead when I'm dead sure that it'll kill me to take another step. To be a person of persistance. And if all of that is to lofty of a goal atleast a person without "muffin top."

The Day the Xbox Died.

"And in the streets; the children screamed,

The lovers cried and the poets dreamed.

But not a word was spoken;

The church bells all were broken.

And the three men I admire most;

The father, son, and the holy ghost,

They caught the last train for the coast.

The day the "!!!xbox!!!" died."

Oh what a sad, and yet joyful occasion. Brian's beloved xbox is broken. It's under warranty so he has to send it in but the whole process could take up to a month. One whole month without his xbox 360!!! You'd think that he had just lost his best friend. I on the other hand will enjoy my month without the sounds of gunfire ringing through the house as he plays "call of duty". Or not having to watch the lovely almost pornograffic animated girls parading across the screen in some racing game. And whatever will I do not to wake up at night to hear him talking smack to some fouled mouthed 12 year old that is destoying him at Halo on xbox live. Oh such peace and quiet I will enjoy. Does this mean that we will actually get to watch tv? What a novel idea!

On a side note if you don't own a garden tub or the likes, trying to take a bath with your significant other is not likely to turn out quite as romantic as you invisioned. So I'm thinking oh what a great idea, it'll be a nice change of pace from showers together where he likes to pee on my feet. Seriously how many times can a man pee on your feet and still think it's the most hilarious thing ever? Anyway I lit candles and filled the tub with bubbles but... with both me and my 6ft. tall 180 pound husband in the tub there was little room for water. We completely soaked the bathroom floor, it was almost impossible to wash my hair and the faucet kept poking me in the back... totally worth the experiece though. There's something to be said for flopping around all slippery and wet with your husband in very confined spaces! Not romantic but a hilariously good time. Hey he even shaved my legs for me and that's enough to make any bathing experience worthwhile!!!

Migraines

Migraines! Oh how I hate having migraines! Today was the first day I've had one in a long time so I guess I should be thankful for that... but it's hard to be thankful for anything when your head feels like it's splitting open. Called into work this morning, ending up having to take two of my migraine pills, and slept all day until Brian came home. Not a very productive day at all. Brian was really sweet though. When he got home he climbed into bed and snuggled with me. Even took a nap with me and he hates naps. Then he grilled out hamburgers for us to eat for supper because he knew I wouldn't feel like cooking. Now it's not hard to be thankful for that. I don't tell him enough how thankful I am. So if you're reading this baby- Thank you, you are a totally awesome husband and I couldn't have wished for more.

boring days

Gotta love long lazy Sundays. Brian and I stayed in bed half of the day... if only we could everyday. We joked around and talked. Goofed off and wrestled. Made out for about forty five minutes or so. Which of course eventually led into...well you know. Anyway. Eventually, after we got... um... unintangled we went picture frame shopping, then to Home Depot to look at storage options for the garage, and then we ate at Cracker Barrel. Overall a nice boring uneventful Sunday spent with my husband. Can't really ask for better than that.

Reluctant Sailor

Today was Brian's duty day. He hates duty days! Mainly because he hates wearing his uniform, or to be more specific he hates his dress blues and his dress whites. I don't know why... I think he looks cute in his uniform... but he thinks he looks geeky. So of course I had to harrass him for a picture!!! At first he demanded that I not take his picture. When that didn't work, he ran away. When even that didn't work he gave in and let me take one!!!!

Welcome to the World Faye Lynn!

Today I went with some friends from work to visit Nikki and her brand new baby girl- Faye Lynn. She was born yesterday, which just so happened to also be my daddy's birthday. Nikki was up and moving around... I was suprised. I mean she just gave birth last night, but she seemed to be doing and feeling remarkable well. Her new daughter was really cute, not all red and wrinkling like some newborns. It's an amazing thing to hold a baby that you know was inside of their mother's belly less than 24 hours ago. But that's the miracle of life. It felt good to be there, with Nikki and her new baby, and to feel genuinally happy for her. I look forward to when Brian and I start "trying" again and for all of the joy and excitment a new pregnancy and a new baby will bring. I feel hopeful for the future. Hopeful that this next time we will have a healthy baby. Part of me feels bad for wanting to move forward. Almost like if I heal and put the miscarriage behind me, I'll be putting the baby that we lost behind me. So I'm still trying to work all of that out in my head. To convince whatever part of me that is holding onto the sadness that moving on doesn't mean forgetting. I'll never forget. The baby that we lost will always be our first child in my eyes. Yet I know that I need to move on. Knowing and being able to, well now that's two different things. For now though I'm just going to find hope in the fact that today the sight of a mother and her child didn't feel be with sadness and bitterness. And hey, that's got to be a step in the right direction.

Missing our baby.

"Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self respest, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old."

To our baby that never got to be...
I never thought to pray for you. Not for your safety or your well being. I just thought... guess I just thought that everything would be fine. Stupid me, huh? Everything wasn't fine. And that makes me mad. It makes me bitter. To know there are people out there who didn't want children, don't want them, yet still have them. I'm sure it's wrong to look at people and think that you deserve a baby more than them, but that is what I find myself doing. It makes me feel badly about myself to even think that and to judge others worth as parents that way, but if I'm being honest that is how I feel.. I think to myself... I'm twenty five. Brian and I have been married for over four years. We own a home. I don't drink or party. I've worked in childcare for over five years now. What gives? Why take you away, but give babies to others.. I wanted you. Planned for you. Your daddy wanted you. God knows your grandmother wanted you. Wanted but taken away. You were never here but you have things. A toy aquarium. Bibs. Books. Halloween and Christmas outfits you were supposed to wear. There all here. Packed away in a box. Placed in a closet. Your stuff is here. But you're not. You'll never get to use it. I save it. Save it for the baby we still hope to have. Yet that baby won't be you. Will I find it weird that they're using your things. I can't bring myself to get rid of it. And why keep it if I'm not going to use it. It's just that I wanted you to use it. That's my problem I still want for what can't be. Will I ever move out and away from the past. I want for you to be here... still inside of me... growing... waiting...and finally arriving. All of that just can't be. It just won't be.