Black Friday

While my mom looks like this about black Friday shopping, I on the other hand look more like this...

Waking up @ 430 in the morning to go and fight the crowds for $5 dollars off this seasons most fashionable sweater is not exactly my idea of a good time. This use to be my mom and her mom's tradition so now by default it's now my mom's and my post thanksgiving tradition. This new tradition of ours makes me sooo thankful for Cheerwine (would not have survived the morning without it), thankful that Black Friday happens but once a year, and also very thankful for my post shopping afternoon nap ;)

Thankful :)

I'm thankful for...
my mom who I can share anything with
my dad who would do anything for me
my brother who can always make me laugh
my extended family in NC who I share so many memories with
my best friend Brittany who has become like my little sister
my exhusband who is still one of my best friends
not to mention all of my other friends who are each fantastic in their own ways
Annie who is my Jewish homie
Laura who inspires me to work harder
Kelly who always seems to face life with a smile
Kristina my official night out on the town partner
Steph who brings me Cheerwine
Holly and Brie who are kick ass stay at home moms
Sarette, Megan, and Ondria who each are a great support even far way
Kim who generously opened her home to me for six months
Plus the kids in my class who brighten my days
my coworkers/friends who help make work tolerable and usually fun
I'm thankful for the chance to go back to school
For getting to do a job that I love
Getting to live with people I love
Being able to save money when some people are barely scrapping by
I'm thankful that I'm healthy
that I'm happy
that I'm enjoying my life and taking it a day at a time

And possibly most of all I'm thankful that I was able to "Get the fuck over it, grow up and move on." I've learned so much since April. I've grown so much too. I realized that I can take care of myself. That I am enough on my own. That there isnt any challenge that I'm going to face that I can't work my way through.
I'm thankful for all of the fear, uncertainty and pain of the past year. Because I learned that I am strong even if I don't feel like it. That I can be independent even though I never was before.
Thankful that last April I felt like my life and world was over... thankful that I realized you can feel like that one moment, work through it and come out on the other side a better and happier person.

It's funny to realize that you can be thankful for the bad as well as the good. But I guess when it comes down to it being thankful is just a choice. Webster's dictionary defines it as "being concious of benefits recieved" and if that's the case I guess what I choose to be thankful for makes perfect sense. But what do I care really if it makes sense at all or not... I'm thankful for it and that's all that matters and if you don't happen to agree... well let me pass along the best advice I got all year long to you... "Just get the fuck over it, grow up and move on!"

What I've learned Wednesdays...

1) If you have a fever and your throat is swollen, red and covered in white ulcers go to the doctor... it's probably strep. Putting off going to the doctor for a few days is only going to make it that many more days til you start to feel better.

2) Blood pressure is measured in two numbers. The top is considered your systolic pressure the bottom number is your diastolic pressure. I'm aware of all of this now due to the fact that my diastolic pressure has been hovering around 100 and since that is considered extremly high I get to track my readings for a month and then go back to the doctor December 14 so they can decide what they want to do about it.

3) Just because a guy is extremly (and I mean extremly, possible overly) nice and cute doesn't mean I'm going to like him. Too bad it doesn't work that way though.

4) Guys should never wear v-neck style t-shirts... it's just not cool.

5) This past week my ex husband told me that he was proud of me. Proud that I've managed the past seven months on my own and he hasn't. Proud that I went back to school. Proud of the way I've handled our whole seperation. It meant alot to me to hear him say that. (But I've gotta say that lately I've been proud of him too for trying to get all of his shit together and for finally facing issues that have haunted him all his life! Way to go Brian!!)

6) I don't like online classes....too much busy work, not to mention I procrastinate horribly. I'd rather drag myself to the actual class than to do a class entirely over the internet. Next semester only one online course for me and three on campus!

7) The more and more I talk to people about their parents or their childhood experiences the more and more I realize how truly blessed I am to have the parents that I have. So thanks mom and dad... you guys really are the greatest... there are no words that could even come close to explaining how awesome you guys are.. in my book you guys are the best!!

Dear Olivia,

If you could have seen your mom through my eyes today. Holding you so gently. Bundling you so tightly. Smiling down at you. That light of true, devoted, forever lasting, unselfish kind of love in her eyes. You would have known then and there, from your very first full day on earth that your mom was one of the great ones. That she is always going to be there for you. She's going to sacrifice for you. Work her butt off for you. Want to give you the kind of life that she herself was never blessed with. She'll almost always put your needs ahead of her own. She's always going to be there for you. Pick you up whenever your down. Hold your hand through all of life's trials. There's no need for you to ever feel alone because you're mom IS one of the great one's. You're little now, so you can't possibly know yet but I do and I'll tell you... and fifteen or twenty years from now when you, yourself, finally realize how lucky you are to have a mom like yours... I'll just smile and say yea... if only I could have captured and bottle the moments of today you would have always known yourself that I knew you were blessed with a great mom when you were still just twenty four hours old.

going places

I'm about to return to a place that holds one of the most painful memories for me. The place where I was told for the third and final time that my baby was indeed gone. No heartbeat. No movement. No chance. The place where I had to say goodbye to my future child and undergo the surgury that would forever seperate us, atleast in this life anyway. Today I return to that place to see Olivia Laura Askew born yesterday on friday the 13th about a month early but otherwise healthy. It might be a little hard to put one foot in front of the other in that place. But Laura is one of my best friends. She's an amazing mom and a great woman and I can't let my memories and past pain take anything away from the absolute miracle and joy that her new baby should be. I can't control some of the circumstances of my life but I def can control how I choose to react to them. And I choose to view this as a full circle kinda thing... maybe a little extra closure for me. She was born one month exactly to the day of the two year mark of when I had to let my baby go. It's the same hospital. She's going to sleep in the same crib that my little one would have slept in. Wear some of the clothes that were bought to be his/hers. Eventually play with what was to be my baby's toys. In a small way, even though my baby never took a breath or lived seperatedly from me little Olivia has things from them. It's like a little gift from baby angel Matthews to baby girl Askew. For a little baby that never got to be in this world, being able to share their things with another is a small little miracle in itself. A little extra reminder of his or her existance.... so I might be shedding a few tears on my laptops keypad now... but I'm simply going to take a deep breath... get up and walk away from here... wash my face and all traces of those tears away... because I'm choosing to smile... to visit Laura and her baby girl and only take the absolute joy and miracle of it all away with me. I'm choosing not to let sadness, anger, or the whole how I just wish things could have been different feeling overtake me.... okay....so.... deep breath.... click publish post.... and here I go...

out for soda!!

He asked me out for coffee.
But of course I don't drink coffee.
So he says, "surely you gotta drink something."
"I'm pretty much just a soda girl."
So he offers to take me out for a Mt. Dew...
And really...
How could I even think about turning that one down!?!

What I've learned Wednesdays...

1) The ladybug costume was a good idea in theory (not to mention pretty damn cute if you ask me) but in reality any costume with wings is bound to get annoying after ten minutes or so. And what was I really after I ditched the wings... a chick in a super short skirt who is obsessed with red and black polka-dots?! So I've decided, next halloween, nothing with wings!

2) People don't always earn or deserve your respect. Many times you've got to force yourself to give it to them anyway.

3) My grandparents were married for sixty years. (That definitely deserves a round of applause and quite possibly a standing ovation.)

Obviously I can't even count to five because I just realized I skipped #4 entirely :)

5) It is possible to be married to someone for five years... split up... and remain good friends afterwards. Brian and I are living proof of that one. Oh for sure we had our moments here and there but we've always worked and wanted our friendship to stay intact through it all and somehow (god willing for sure) that friendship has indeed survived. And I sorta think it always will.

6) I can survive six months without cable!