Back to school

Back to school tomorrow!!!! Sorta nervous and unsure of how I'm going to manage this one. Forty hours of work... four classes... hopefully I haven't gotten in over my head with this one!?!?

Days...

One hundred and forty days since he walked out of my life. One hundred and forty days that I've been on my own. Compared to the 1,928 that we were married or the 2,679 days that we spent together 140 doesn't sound like a lot. In some ways it seems like it was only 14 days ago yet in other ways it seems like 14,000. In life you've got to be grateful for all of your days... the 2,679 with him and the 140 without. That first number will never change... it's set in stone now but the 140... that's going to continue to grow. What suprises me is that I'm ok with that. Back in April I never thought I would make it here. To this place where I'm actually happy and ok with having 140 days seperate him and I. It's like that bullshit quote that people like to throw out at you all the time, something about "Don't dwell on your past or worry about your future because the past is no longer there and the future will take care of itself." (Or something random like that.) I suppose I could get behind a statement like that. It's a good way to strive to be... humanly impossible to follow completely but still a good idea in theory, (sorta like communism). But basically that is currently becoming my motto in life- not communism, the other thing. I'm trying not to worry. Because here's what I've realized- what will be is going to be. You only have so much control over things and the only control you have really is how you take things. It's not what hand your dealt in life but what you make of it... how you play it. So I'll take those 2,679 days and be thankful for all of the memories and all of the lessons living those days taught me. And I'll be forever grateful that I survived the past 140 days and that I am a better person for it. Just like I'll appreciate tomorrow and the next day and the next. You never know how many days you're given. I plan on enjoying them. Being happy. Doing something worthwhile with the time I'm given. Taking each day as it comes and just living it... you can't really ask for more out of life than that.

Dear Brian,

Here's what's sad... As I'm yelling at Brian over the phone today (yes, yet again he has managed to make me completely and totally pissed off) he says to me, "You really would just love to see me crash and burn wouldn't you. You want me to fail. That would make you happy wouldn't it?" No, Brian, it wouldn't make me happy. No, I don't want to see you fail. And no, I don't wish for you to crash and burn. Though you manage to piss me off more than any other person on this planet ever has- deep down I'll always want the best in life for you. You deserve to be happy. I'd love to see you succeed and do well. For you to have everything you ever wanted. For life to be everything you ever dreamed it would be. I can only hope that you would want the same for me. In your world you were always driven by hate. Hate for your mom. For your family. For where you come from. And hate for all that happened to you as a child. But don't be fueled by hate when it comes to me... you don't have to set out to prove me wrong... of all the people in this world I know that you can do it. That you deserve to do it. (Even though you may be an ass to me sometimes, you still deserve it!!!) I hope that one day you'll be able to see how much I really did and do care about you. That above all I just want you to be able to have the life that you want. Be happy. Don't let hate rule you or drive you. And don't settle for mediocre when I know you can be great.

Fate?

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end."

I went to the house today to get a few things. Mainly stuff for Mrs. Laura. (We work together and the kids call her Mrs. so by habit she's Mrs. Laura to me too!) Anyway. Laura is due to have her second baby girl this December and seeing as her first baby girl is nine she doesn't have any baby stuff left over from her first one. Sooooooo I'm sure you can see where this post is going. To reference back to the first ever post I typed on here right after I lost my baby...

"You were never here but you have things. A toy aquarium. Bibs. Books. Halloween and Christmas outfits you were supposed to wear. There all here. Packed away in a box. Placed in a closet. Your stuff is here. But you're not. You'll never get to use it. I save it. Save it for the baby we still hope to have. Yet that baby won't be you. Will I find it weird that they're using your things. I can't bring myself to get rid of it. And why keep it if I'm not going to use it. It's just that I wanted you to use it. That's my problem I still want for what can't be. Will I ever move out and away from the past?"

To answer that last question.... yes, I'm finally moving on from what might have been. And I no longer want for what can never be. So now I pass all of my baby's things on. Brand new and unused. It doesn't make since just to let them sit in a closet collecting dust when Laura could defiantely use them for her baby girl. I have no use for them. My baby that only ever existed inside of me doesn't need them. It's selfish just to hold onto things just because letting go is so hard. So I'll hand the boxes over to her- the clothes, books, toys, and even the crib. And I'll smile like it isn't hard to let these things go. Smile and pretend that it isn't hurting me. Smile and not let on that I might cry about it later. Smile because it's the right thing to do. Maybe this is completing the circle. Maybe her baby is who life and fate intended to have these things all along. Yeah, maybe it's fate. And you can't argue with fate... only smile... grin and bear it and go wherever it wants to lead you.

too damn nice

I can't stay mad at Brian. I can't hate Brian. I can't not forgive Brian. It's even to the point of where I feel bad for speaking the truth and saying bad things about Brian. I hate that about myself... the whole I can't hold a grudge - I can't hate you - I can't stay mad at you - I'll just put aside all of the crappy shit you've done and forget it- I'll forgive you part of me. Some people might consider it a personality flaw. One that ends up getting me fucked over, walked on and used. Flaw or not it's who I am and I guess I've just got to roll with it. Accept myself for what I am and stop trying to change things. So I'm not ever going to be a cold hard bitch. Oh well. I'm sure there's worse things in life than just being to damn nice!