Full circle

My life has come full circle. Today makes the 365th day since I was pregnant. A full year seperates Brian and I from our baby. Or in more exact terms the loss of our baby. It seems like it should be years that seperate us from that moment, thousands and thousands of days not just 365 short ones. A year ago I never thought I would get over that moment. The moment when our child appeared in grainy black and white on the ultrasound screen. Perfect in every way except that his/her tiny little heart was no longer beating. I never thought I'd get over the anger. The hurt. Frustration. Tears. Of being forced to let go. Never knowing what our little one would have looked like, sounded like, smelled like... I could go on and on about how 365 days ago I didn't see how I was ever going to move on from that moment.

Yet here I am and moved on I did. Whether from choice or because life simply carries you forward inspite of yourself who's to say. But 365 days later I'm here and I'm whole and I'm okay. I no longer feel angry when I look back on what Brian and I lost... I no longer want for what could have been. I'm grateful for the fourteen weeks that I carried our child. I'm grateful that for atleast a little while our baby existed inside of me, in our hearts and minds and in our dreams. And oh what big dreams we had for that little one. I still get weekly emails from some babysite that tells me what my six month old would be doing now. I might not have a six month old but I like the simple reminder of what might have been. I like to remember... sometimes I'm afraid I don't remember enough. Remembering is all I have left and I feel blessed by the fact that I can recall our baby's image to mind and have it bring a smile to my face and not a frown.