Full circle

My life has come full circle. Today makes the 365th day since I was pregnant. A full year seperates Brian and I from our baby. Or in more exact terms the loss of our baby. It seems like it should be years that seperate us from that moment, thousands and thousands of days not just 365 short ones. A year ago I never thought I would get over that moment. The moment when our child appeared in grainy black and white on the ultrasound screen. Perfect in every way except that his/her tiny little heart was no longer beating. I never thought I'd get over the anger. The hurt. Frustration. Tears. Of being forced to let go. Never knowing what our little one would have looked like, sounded like, smelled like... I could go on and on about how 365 days ago I didn't see how I was ever going to move on from that moment.

Yet here I am and moved on I did. Whether from choice or because life simply carries you forward inspite of yourself who's to say. But 365 days later I'm here and I'm whole and I'm okay. I no longer feel angry when I look back on what Brian and I lost... I no longer want for what could have been. I'm grateful for the fourteen weeks that I carried our child. I'm grateful that for atleast a little while our baby existed inside of me, in our hearts and minds and in our dreams. And oh what big dreams we had for that little one. I still get weekly emails from some babysite that tells me what my six month old would be doing now. I might not have a six month old but I like the simple reminder of what might have been. I like to remember... sometimes I'm afraid I don't remember enough. Remembering is all I have left and I feel blessed by the fact that I can recall our baby's image to mind and have it bring a smile to my face and not a frown.

If not for Bad Luck we'd have no luck at all!!!

~My grandmother died

~The jeep breaks down on the way to NC and her funeral, turns a six hour trip into an eleven hour trip

~I get a kidney infection

~Brian's wallet and cell phone flies out of his backpack when his riding his motorcycle home from work

~Brian's jeep gets towed after he unknowingly parks it in a no parking zone

~On the way to pick up the jeep from the tow company my car breaks down on the side of the interstate and now we have to my car towed

Talk about a bad week! I'm almost afraid of what's going to happen next.

One less Elizabeth...

In 2003 the world lost an Elizabeth Readling. I got married, and become a Matthews. Today the world lost another Elizabeth Readling. My grandmother and namesake past away. I'm not exactly sure how I feel right now. I'm sad and upset but at the same time relieved that atleast now her fight is over, she's at peace now. No one can ever say that my grandmother didn't "fight the good fight." She was one tough cookie, the original Elizabeth Readling. She survived cancer, numerous heart attacks and a stroke. And through it all she always kept her faith. I remember every friday when I'd spend the night with her she would always say the Lord's Prayer before she went to sleep... every friday with no fail it would always be the same thing... so this one's for you grandma...

"Our Father who art in heaven,

hallowed be thy name,

to kingdom come,

thy will be done

on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread

and forgive us our trespasses

as we forgive those who trespass against us.

Lead us not into temptation and deliver us from evil,

for thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory forever and ever.

Amen."

Random quotes

"This is fish number six hundred and forty-one in a lifetime of goldfish. My parents bought me the first one to teach me about loving and caring for another living breathing creature of God. Six hundred and forty fish later the only thing I know is that everything you love will die."

"I've met God across his long walnut desk with all his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?" Why did I cause so much pain? Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness? Can't I see how we're all manifestations of love? I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong. We are not special. We are not crap or trash either. We just are. We just are and what happens just happens. and God says, "No that's not right." Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything."

My grandmother is dying.

My grandmother is dying.
I shared a name with her for 21 years. Spent almost every friday night over her house from the time I was two til she entered a nursing home my senior year of highschool. She taught me how to cook pancakes and bacon and egg sandwiches. Bought me my first pet. Cheered faithfully and whole-heartedly for me at various soccer, basketball, and softball games. Showed me how to play the piano... so many memories of so many things. And now she's dying. And I'm mostly reminded of all the time I haven't spent with her in the past few years. All the times I've been to North Carolina to visit and haven't stopped by to see her. I was so selfish. It was hard to see her because for the past five years or so it really wasn't the "her" I remember that I would be seeing. She had a stroke ten years back or so and over time her personality changed, she changed. She was physically weak, usually either mad or crying, not always mentally there. So I slowly pulled away. Away from this woman who had loved me so deeply and had done so much for me. It was easier for me that way...damn selfish me!!! Now she's dying and I can't get back any of the time I missed. I think I'll always hate a part of myself for not being the grandaughter that she deserved to have. Regardless of what I have or haven't done...of how I feel or don't feel the facts still remain...
I am selfish.
and
My grandmother is dying.

My own answers.

For as long as I can remember my faith has always seemed to be in this constant state of tug-of-war. Always push. Pull. Love. Hate. Acceptance. Defiance. I never seem to find a constant way of being. Of believing. Am I wrong to think there should be some kind of constant, some order to my beliefs? Why can I be so sure of God for a few minutes and yet so doubtful during all the other long hours of the day. Organized religion baffles me. How can so many people of different religions be so confident that their faith isn't misplaced. Obviously someones is. Everyone cannot possible be right. In the same token everyone can't possible be wrong. I guess I worry because I have never known anything other than Christianity. Do I blindly follow simply because I haven't been taught anything else? I think faith like that is weak. If we accepted everything we have been taught at face value where would that leave us. If you believe in God simply because Christianity has been drilled into your head from infancy on what good is it? How would you ever know if God was real or just some idea you've had force fed to you since you could talk? If I'd been born into a Buddist family those ideas and values are all I would have been exposed to. To simply accept what you've been raised to believe, would seem to me, a great disservice to yourself and to your God. If I'd been taught from elementary school on that there where fifteen planets in our solar system and that three others were exactly like earth that's what I would have believed from then on. I would never have any way of ever knowing that what I had learned was false. I want my belief to be built on my own foundation not that of my mother's or my grandmother's. I want to learn and discover on my own who and what God is to me. A personal relationship with God... that's what I'm after. Not a belief that waffles and threatens to leave me stranded when I need it the most. That is why I question. If you don't ever question God you'll never get any answers. And that's what I want most. My own answers. Not everyone elses. Simply my own.

Moving mountains?

There's this well known verse in the bible that reads, "He replied, It's because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Move from here to there" and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17: 20)
Well I'm definately not moving mountains so I must be sorely lacking in the faith department... (not that I see to many other people moving mountians at all really.) I know that the failing is in me and not God... but really... to have faith that could move mountains!!! That just seems to be out of everyone's grasp. I suppose it's possible, well to be truthful I see it as pretty damn near impossible. It's hard to have faith that strong when you're talking to God, praying for something and you feel as though you might as well just be beating your head up against a brick wall. It always seems that whenever I actually take the time to stop and actually pray for something whole heartedly and consistently God gives me the exact opposite of what I'm praying for. I remember being at the hospital after having our first ultrasound that said there was no heartbeat and praying and praying that they were wrong and this next ultrasound would show a heartbeat. Praying to God to just let my baby live... needless to say it wasn't to be nor was it to be recently when I prayed so hard for a close friend's baby boy to make it. I know, I know that's not how it's supposed to work... people will say that it was God's will for the babies to die. I don't buy that BS for a second though. It wasn't his will or his plan... he just chose to not intervene and somehow I've got to learn not to take his lack of action personal. You can't always get the answer you want. God isn't going to swoop in like some superhero and save you from every bad situation you encounter here on earth. That doesn't mean he's not with you and doesn't care about you... it just means that I've got to accept that since my faith is lacking God isn't going to grant me the power to move mountains or even anthills for that matter. It isn't God's fault that my prayers don't get answered, it's mine because I go in believing they won't be answered in the first place. So if anyone knows where I could pick up a little extra faith so I could start working on that mountain just let me know. I have the feeling though that God intended for me to move my mountain one shovel full of dirt at a time!