It's 2 am and I can't sleep.
Tomorrow we have an ultrasound. And I wish it was sheer excitement that has me awake.
Instead it's the cold hard reality that you don't always get to see your miracle on that screen.
I can already feel my adrenaline pumping, my heart racing just a few beats faster, the anxiety and panic setting in. I'm trying to stay positive but quite honestly I'm scared shitless by what tomorrow could bring.
And sure I'll handle whatever happens to be thrown my way but oh how I want to see that little heartbeat flickering away on screen! There's been few things in life that I've ever wanted more than this.
But wanting something doesn't make it happen.
And frankly though I ask for prayers, I don't think praying for something makes it happen.
Hell, even thinking you fully deserve something doesn't make it happen.
Admitting total loss of control over something is hard. But whether we see a healthy baby or an empty sac tomorrow is completely out of our hands.
We know what we want.
We know what we think we deserve.
We just don't know what we are going to get.
And for a girl who has stared at that ultrasound screen before and felt like she just lost tonight is one of the hardest nights of them all.
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