"Breath. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure."
Do I want to spend this moment stressing, worrying, over thinking, analyzing and questioning everything? I really only want one thing out of life... it's nothing big, extravagant or complicated... I just want to be happy. Here and now. In this moment. I don't want to think about tomorrow or dwell on yesterday. I just want to be here, living in the present and not long for anything more or less. So that's the plan. To live in the moment. Appreciate each day for what it is. Smile. Laugh. Love. Not worry where life is taking me. Just enjoy the ride and trust that wherever I am is exactly where I am supposed to be.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Overwhelmed
Overwhelmed... that's how I'm feeling right now. Overwhelmed and just wishing that all this shit was over and done with already. I'm tired of stressing about all of the financial aspects of everything. Tired of getting pissed and upset whenever Brian doesn't pay something... or actually nothing... he's paying nothing. No mortgage payments. Ran up the cable bill in my name... which I paid. Didn't pay me his portion of the car insurance this past month which of course I also paid. And who knows if he's paying the loan on his totaled motorcycle. I'm just tired of all of his bad decisions still being able to affect me. Tired of only being able to sit here and do nothing as my credit score gets all shot to hell. Tired of actually caring. I hate that I let everything get to me so much. That I worry and feel completely shitty and end up with migraines because I dwell on everything.
He finally dropped the divorce paperwork off yesterday. And even though he is the petetioner and the one who is actual filing I guess it's on me to fill out all of the info and get everything in order for him to take back, sign and have notarized. Yet another responsibilty that falls on me. Not to mention that he can't afford the total cost right now... so I'll help him pay... actually I'll pay for the whole damn thing if that's what it takes to get it done. Hell I'd figure out a way to walk on water if that's what it took to put all of this behind me.
Sometimes I wonder though how I'm going to be when I do finally come out on the other side of this. I worry what lasting effects it might have on me and not just financially speaking. I've never been a person who liked being alone... but now that I am... I'm afraid that I'm going to have trouble ever putting myself out there again. Trouble trusting. Being alone seems preferable to trusting someone again only to possibly end up right back here in this place. I don't ever want to be here again. I know in life there are no sure things, no guarentees... but still is it worth the risk? I don't want to be that person. The bitter ex wife. Man hater. Cynical. Afraid to ever fall in love. I used to believe in happily ever after. I used to want a family. Husband. Kids. A little house. Nothing big... just your average typical everyday life. I still want that one day but I'm afraid that I'll never let myself have it. That I'm going to put up this wall around myself. Try to protect myself from anyone who has the potential to hurt me or let me down. How do you stop yourself from closing your feelings in? How do you step out there on the ledge knowing that if you jump someone might not catch you in the end? For now I guess I'll just take it day by day. Try to stop obsessing and worrying over financial things that I have no control over. Fill out the divorce papers as fast as humanly possible so I can get to the other side. And when I finally do arrive there hopefully I won't be cynical and jaded and everything else will just fall into place.
He finally dropped the divorce paperwork off yesterday. And even though he is the petetioner and the one who is actual filing I guess it's on me to fill out all of the info and get everything in order for him to take back, sign and have notarized. Yet another responsibilty that falls on me. Not to mention that he can't afford the total cost right now... so I'll help him pay... actually I'll pay for the whole damn thing if that's what it takes to get it done. Hell I'd figure out a way to walk on water if that's what it took to put all of this behind me.
Sometimes I wonder though how I'm going to be when I do finally come out on the other side of this. I worry what lasting effects it might have on me and not just financially speaking. I've never been a person who liked being alone... but now that I am... I'm afraid that I'm going to have trouble ever putting myself out there again. Trouble trusting. Being alone seems preferable to trusting someone again only to possibly end up right back here in this place. I don't ever want to be here again. I know in life there are no sure things, no guarentees... but still is it worth the risk? I don't want to be that person. The bitter ex wife. Man hater. Cynical. Afraid to ever fall in love. I used to believe in happily ever after. I used to want a family. Husband. Kids. A little house. Nothing big... just your average typical everyday life. I still want that one day but I'm afraid that I'll never let myself have it. That I'm going to put up this wall around myself. Try to protect myself from anyone who has the potential to hurt me or let me down. How do you stop yourself from closing your feelings in? How do you step out there on the ledge knowing that if you jump someone might not catch you in the end? For now I guess I'll just take it day by day. Try to stop obsessing and worrying over financial things that I have no control over. Fill out the divorce papers as fast as humanly possible so I can get to the other side. And when I finally do arrive there hopefully I won't be cynical and jaded and everything else will just fall into place.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Priceless!!!
$400 of my first pay check after the split
$224 for cable
$111 for car insurance
$35 belt for the jeep that I bought him and dropped off
Finally getting divorced from him....
That will be priceless!!!!
$224 for cable
$111 for car insurance
$35 belt for the jeep that I bought him and dropped off
Finally getting divorced from him....
That will be priceless!!!!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Learning my lesson.
You'd think by now I would have learned my lesson. Seriously. I feel like I'm one of those women who gets punched in the face by their significant other and then just keeps going back for more. How many times do I need Brian to lie to me before I get it through my head that I can't trust a word he says? How many times do I need to have Brian not pay something before I stop being so completely shocked when I find out I now have some bill ran up in my name? How many times does he need to show me that he's selfish and doesn't really give a shit about me??? How many times? I mean, really, obviously I need someone to yell at me or slap me so I can get a grip on reality here. Why do I feel the need to go out of my way to help him out when he so obviously wouldn't go out of his way to help me.
Here's what I don't get. We spent eight years of our lives together. How can you spend that much time with a person and still not care about them in someway. We might not be married. We might not be quote "in love". But I still care about him. I'm still honest with him. I still want the best for him. I still would help him out in anyway I could. It's just a hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that he wouldn't do the same for me. He might say he would... but he wouldn't... it just sucks to come to the realization that someone who was your husband once and your best friend for years and years could really care less about you. It's better to face reality though than run from it and that's the reality- he doesn't really give a damn. But then again that's Brian. He prides himself on not giving a damn and if I were to call him an asshole he'd consider it a compliment so what can you do with that really... not much... he is who is... and I am who I am... so I'll care and he won't and so the cycle will continue until I finally learn that caring is one thing, but acting on it is another... so here's to hopefully, finally, maybe breaking the cycle. But if I don't learn my lesson this time I'll only have myself to blame the next time he screws me over!!!
Here's what I don't get. We spent eight years of our lives together. How can you spend that much time with a person and still not care about them in someway. We might not be married. We might not be quote "in love". But I still care about him. I'm still honest with him. I still want the best for him. I still would help him out in anyway I could. It's just a hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that he wouldn't do the same for me. He might say he would... but he wouldn't... it just sucks to come to the realization that someone who was your husband once and your best friend for years and years could really care less about you. It's better to face reality though than run from it and that's the reality- he doesn't really give a damn. But then again that's Brian. He prides himself on not giving a damn and if I were to call him an asshole he'd consider it a compliment so what can you do with that really... not much... he is who is... and I am who I am... so I'll care and he won't and so the cycle will continue until I finally learn that caring is one thing, but acting on it is another... so here's to hopefully, finally, maybe breaking the cycle. But if I don't learn my lesson this time I'll only have myself to blame the next time he screws me over!!!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Three months down!
Three months ago life as I knew it ended and my world was turned upside down. Now three months on the other side of it all I'm slowly sorting things out. Here's what I've discovered...
I have the best family and friends ever. The past year with Brian I had slowly closed myself off from everyone and only now am I beginning to realize how much I was missing. I've lived more in the past three months than I did in the past year with Brian. And not because I've done big huge extravagant things but rather I've enjoyed all of the small little everyday things that I had closed myself off to. I think I was pretty much numb and I'm slowly waking up to the world. I can honestly say that most days I am happy. I laugh alot. Smile alot. I'm optimistic. I'm doing things just for me. I'm going back to school to finish my degree in special education and I'm excited about that. Some days I'm lonely but that's to be expected. I still don't do so well with to much free time on my hands. Which is weird because I used to like having lot's of free time... I didn't like having my days full of things to do. Now the busier I am the better. I've made it through the first three months. And though they weren't the best three months of my life I'm glad that I was forced to live them. I appreciate things so much more. I might have fallen apart at first. Had a few less than steller moments the first six weeks or so. A couple emotional breakdowns where I could have easily been considered slighty to mostly crazy. (Sorry to those who had to endure those moments!!) But falling apart a little bit was good. Because I learned that I could pick up the pieces and put myself back together again. Move forward on my own and be a better person for it. More of the person that I want to be. For only being three months out I think I'm doing pretty okay... and for right now atleast, okay sounds pretty damn good to me!
I have the best family and friends ever. The past year with Brian I had slowly closed myself off from everyone and only now am I beginning to realize how much I was missing. I've lived more in the past three months than I did in the past year with Brian. And not because I've done big huge extravagant things but rather I've enjoyed all of the small little everyday things that I had closed myself off to. I think I was pretty much numb and I'm slowly waking up to the world. I can honestly say that most days I am happy. I laugh alot. Smile alot. I'm optimistic. I'm doing things just for me. I'm going back to school to finish my degree in special education and I'm excited about that. Some days I'm lonely but that's to be expected. I still don't do so well with to much free time on my hands. Which is weird because I used to like having lot's of free time... I didn't like having my days full of things to do. Now the busier I am the better. I've made it through the first three months. And though they weren't the best three months of my life I'm glad that I was forced to live them. I appreciate things so much more. I might have fallen apart at first. Had a few less than steller moments the first six weeks or so. A couple emotional breakdowns where I could have easily been considered slighty to mostly crazy. (Sorry to those who had to endure those moments!!) But falling apart a little bit was good. Because I learned that I could pick up the pieces and put myself back together again. Move forward on my own and be a better person for it. More of the person that I want to be. For only being three months out I think I'm doing pretty okay... and for right now atleast, okay sounds pretty damn good to me!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
There's no place like home
It's family and old friends... cheerwine and North Carolina barbecue... little two lane roads that you can race down with no traffic... fields of corn and pastures of cows... homemade ice cream churned the old fashioned way... muggy summer days spent at the park or out on the lake... lightning bugs and opossums on the back porch... it's sweet tea, cookouts and a lazier pace of life... it's Friday nights with nothing to do and a run down mall with nothing to buy... it's my old bedroom still sporting my crappy paint job, my grandmother's piano that I play pitifully, dad fixing waffles for breakfast and mom buying me yet another pair of shoes and joking around with my little (but now bigger than me) brother... it's a few summer days spent at HOME.
I'm storing my ruby red slippers in the back of my closet because I know that there will come a day (maybe years from now) when I'm finally going to be able to slip them on, click my heels three times and thankfully go home to stay.
I'm storing my ruby red slippers in the back of my closet because I know that there will come a day (maybe years from now) when I'm finally going to be able to slip them on, click my heels three times and thankfully go home to stay.
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