Right where I need to be

Not really sure what governs us... fate, God, chance, a little bit of Karma, a lot of luck... who knows really. What I do know is this. Whoever or whatever set about the chain of events this past April was right on target. I honestly feel like where I am right now is where I'm supposed to be. The same goes for Brian. Tonight he told me he was seeing someone. And how did I feel about that? Probably not the typical reaction, because I was happy for him. He needs a good girl in his life. He deserves to be happy and for now she makes him happy- that can't be a bad thing. That's why I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be... if I wasn't I don't think I could feel that way. I'm doing okay on my own and that not only suprises me but makes me happy as well. I don't feel like the same girl who just a month ago was bawling her eyes out sitting in the empty bathtub at Brian's house causing a ridiculus drama filled scene. The girl who was deathly afraid of being alone. All of the desperation and tears seem like so long ago. I feel like I'm finally in control. Like I've finally got my shit together. Right now at this point in my life I'm supposed to be alone. I need to learn how to rely only on myself... become a whole person not just somebodies other half. It's funny how life works... Brian wanted to be alone and I didn't... now I'm alone and he's not... but somehow I think we both got what we needed.

lyrics...

"I tried to help you once

Against my own advice

I saw you going down

But you never realized

That you're drowning in the water

So I offered you my hand

Compassions in my nature

But tonight is our last stand...

Cause you're drowning in the water

And I tried to grab your hand

I left my heart open

But you didn't understand...

I can't help you fix yourself

But atleast I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I've got to move on with my own life

I tear my heart open

I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care to much."

Cooking Adventures

I probably shouldn't be trusted with sharp objects but since chopping onions doesn't bring tears to my eyes I got elected knife duty!!!

Somehow I managed to live twenty six years on this earth without ever eating goulash!! What a tradgedy! I probably never ate it because I'm picky and base a lot of what I like or don't like by how it looks. It isn't the prettiest food by far, but you know, it wasn't half bad.

Brittany herself thought it was pretty damn tasty!!!

a magic wand and a hammer

The other week @ work when I was still upset and overwhelmed by everything I was talking to Ms. Brittany about how I felt like my life was just falling apart around me and I just didn't know how to fix it. All of a sudden one of my kids blurts out, "I'll fix it!!"
"You're going to fix Ms. Elizabeth's life?" Brittany asked him.
"Yep."
"How are you going to fix it?" I asked.
"With a magic wand."
"A magic wand?"
"Yep. A magic wand... and a hammer."
So now I've just got to find a store that sells magic wands and hammers and I'll be set!!!

possibilites

"I've learned that you can keep on going, long after you think you can't."



I'm all alone. I don't really know what tomorrow will bring, or next week or even next year for that matter. I need a better job... which means I've got to actually go back to school (and school and I didn't particularly get along so well the first go around.) I'll be working full time. Going to school full time. Supporting myself all on my own. Just a month ago I was scared to death by the thought of all of this... now I'm just determined. Determined to make it work. Excited by the possibilties. Excited that I get to make my own choices. Excited that for the first time in a long time I get to think about what I want and go after it. Live life just for me. I no longer feel like I'm just going through the motions, blindly putting one foot in front of the other. I'm actually feeling like I've got a handle on things. That little voice in my head that I forced onto repeat "I can do this, I can do this, I can do this" is actually speaking the truth now. I don't feel lost just because I'm own my own. Being alone was my biggest fear... but here I am a wife without a husband, a 26 soon to be divorcee and you know what I've realized... you're never really alone. I've got an amazing family, a handful of pretty freaking awesome friends, great co-workers, and a class full of two year olds that I absolutely adore. I feel blessed for all I do have. Blessed that I have the chance to start over. Blessed that I'm here and I 'm whole and I'm doing okay. And blessed for all the great things yet to come my way.

sooo frustrating

When Brian and I split we both agreed that he was going to keep the house, make the mortgage payments and we would have my name removed from the mortgage and the house would be his. I don't make enough to carry the mortgage on my own so it was either Brian keep the house or we sale the house. He said he wanted the house. He said that he would make the mortgage payments himself... The only problem being what he says and what he actually does usually turns out to be two seperate things. "I promise I paid it last month." "Well I actually only paid half of it last month." And finally when I double check with the mortgage company myself it's "I couldn't pay it last month and I haven't paid it this month either." So of course I'm pretty pissed by this point, I think anyone in my shoes would have been. Only I think he's even more pissed than I am only it's at me for quote "bothering him and getting all up in his shit." Well guess what... like it or not the mortgage is my "shit" too until my name is off of it so if you don't want me bothering you pay the damn thing!!! Of course he has excuses of why he couldn't pay (which I won't go in to) And of course being me I even contemplated helping him cover the mortgage. But I feel like that would just be throwing money down a black hole because I don't even live there and I wouldn't have enough to cover the whole mortgage or the past owed amount anyway. And who's to say if he's going to pay it next month or the next... yet the alternative is having a forclosure on my credit. The other choice is to put the house up for sale which he refuses to do. Oh what to do, what to do?? I'll be so glad when we aren't tied together financially anymore. It just sucks that what he does or doesn't do still has such a huge inpact on me... if only I could have known three and a half years ago what I know now I would have never bought that house with him. But hindsight is 20/20 or so they say. Either way now I'm stuck with a house that I don't want and can't afford to pay for. While he lives in the house that he supposedly wants but isn't paying for. Ahhhhhhhhh.... soooo frustrating!!