Moving mountains?

There's this well known verse in the bible that reads, "He replied, It's because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Move from here to there" and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17: 20)
Well I'm definately not moving mountains so I must be sorely lacking in the faith department... (not that I see to many other people moving mountians at all really.) I know that the failing is in me and not God... but really... to have faith that could move mountains!!! That just seems to be out of everyone's grasp. I suppose it's possible, well to be truthful I see it as pretty damn near impossible. It's hard to have faith that strong when you're talking to God, praying for something and you feel as though you might as well just be beating your head up against a brick wall. It always seems that whenever I actually take the time to stop and actually pray for something whole heartedly and consistently God gives me the exact opposite of what I'm praying for. I remember being at the hospital after having our first ultrasound that said there was no heartbeat and praying and praying that they were wrong and this next ultrasound would show a heartbeat. Praying to God to just let my baby live... needless to say it wasn't to be nor was it to be recently when I prayed so hard for a close friend's baby boy to make it. I know, I know that's not how it's supposed to work... people will say that it was God's will for the babies to die. I don't buy that BS for a second though. It wasn't his will or his plan... he just chose to not intervene and somehow I've got to learn not to take his lack of action personal. You can't always get the answer you want. God isn't going to swoop in like some superhero and save you from every bad situation you encounter here on earth. That doesn't mean he's not with you and doesn't care about you... it just means that I've got to accept that since my faith is lacking God isn't going to grant me the power to move mountains or even anthills for that matter. It isn't God's fault that my prayers don't get answered, it's mine because I go in believing they won't be answered in the first place. So if anyone knows where I could pick up a little extra faith so I could start working on that mountain just let me know. I have the feeling though that God intended for me to move my mountain one shovel full of dirt at a time!

Praying for Babies

WOW! So I haven't written/blogged anything in forever. I think maybe that was part of me trying to put the past behind me. Just living in the moment, taking life day by day. Writing makes me disect things to much. I ask to many questions of myself, others, events in general. It felt good to just live on the surface for awhile... to take things at face value... to just be...
But something had to bring me back. Back to thinking and writing and wanting to remember. I have two really good friends who are currently in the hospital, currently about to deliver. Two friends, two different situations, two people who you would say are in need of prayer. I don't hold much stock in prayer. Not in it's ability to change situations but I do perhaps believe in it's abilty to hold people up and carry them through tough times. Two friends. One who believes in the power of prayer. One who absolutely does not. One who has spent everyday and every night of the past month praying for her baby. The other, I highly doubt has sent even one single prayer heavenward for her babies. The one who has yet to pray is 32 weeks and expecting twins. Her babies will very likely survive and after some time spent in the NICU will more than likely thrive. Yet the friend who has done nothing but pray, who so many people (including me, Mrs. Doubting Thomas herself) have prayed for... at only 22 weeks her baby is up against almost impossible odds. What does that say for the power of prayer. What fairness is there in that. Why is one friend given two and the other most likely isn't even allowed to keep her one? They both are equally deserving. Both would be amazing moms for these babies. Why do some people get to keep their babies while others are forced to return theirs to heaven? Obviously it isn't based on prayer. So why do we pray? What purpose is there in it? How can I believe in God but not believe he answers our prayers? This whole prayer question is one that continues to baffle me... so until I understand why I feel the need to pray even though I lack the belief in it, I guess I'll just keep sending my requests and hopes heavenward and see if HE ever gives me the answers I'm looking for.

empty rooms

So I find myself yet again in the "baby's room"... the now completely cleaned and organized baby's room.

Baby's room but no baby?

But thankfully, gratefully atleast for this moment, right here and right now... I am okay with that. It feels good to be in this now empty room... a room that is completely unfilled... a room that is open to and waiting for what the future has to fill it with. I'm not ready to begin that journey yet... one day soon I might... or maybe it will be months and months before we are ready to start down that path again... but the "baby's room" is ready and waiting for whatever miracles life has in store for it!

Finding happiness

I promise not to be sad or gloomy today... but I am going to talk about babies... and how we are deciding to not try again atleast for the moment (which for us means some form of birth control because as we have already found out we seem to be very fertile considering I got knocked up last time the second month of trying) I know this is making no sense. Wasn't I the sad little girl on here last night crying over how much I desperetly wanted a baby? I was and maybe that is the problem. I feel like I need to learn how to be happy with how things are right now. Find happiness in my family as it is. And oh there is happiness... I've just been so blinded by wanting and missing to enjoy Brian or even my parents or friends. So atleast for a few months we are going to keep the Matthews family at just the two of us. We are planning alot of date nights and weekend trips (all things that become difficult after you have a baby). I feel like I've been neglecting my husband and putting him on the back burner so to speak and that's never a good thing. So that's where I'm at right now... trying to find peace in my life as it is before we move forward to the next chapter.

moving on?

This evening Brian went to bike night and I got the bright idea to clean or more specifically to clean/organize our throw-everything-into-it-and-shut-the-door-room, aka the room that we refer to as the baby's room or the nursury. Stupid me, again. I thought that I could handle it... had put all of those stupid wasted tears behind me... but after coming across what were to be the baby's things and hearing that damn George Strait song (I saw God today) on my random playlist... needless to say I lost it... so here I am surronding by trashbags filled with things to throw away and give away, boxes, and an almost empty closet with a few lonely 0-3 months onesies and baby clothes... yep here I am in the same place I was December 12th... empty, sad, bitter, wanting... wanting something so much and so badly... yet not knowing if I will ever have it... not sure if I could hold it together if we conceived and lost another one... so where does that leave me? (other than on the floor typing and crying over things lost but never forgotten?)

Blue's Festival Pics

Dad went to listen to "the blues" while mom and I soaked up some sun on the beach. After an hour and a half or so a storm was rolling in and we didn't want to get soaking wet or struck by lightning, so we kept trying to call dad to see if he was ready to go... but he couldn't hear us over the music! Luckily we made it back to the car right before it started pouring



My lovely parents - 27 years of marriage and counting.



Father and daughter. We look alot alike... how scary is that!!!

Motorcycle chick

Didn't have to be into work today until noon which was a treat considering I 'm usually there at 7. (Although it wasn't a treat to have to close today, which meant me getting off at six thirty instead of four.) Getting back on track... I slept in (my favorite activity) and then left for work. I got about five mintutes from the house when my husband calls me and wants to know where I'm at.
"I'm heading to work," I say.
"Yes. I know," he says. "But where are you at?"
"Only about five minutes from the house."
"Great. Turn around."
"What?" Now I'm really confused.
"Turn around and come back home, I want to take you to work on my motorcycle."
And you know what I said? "Okay."
He had got off work early after PT and he wanted to take me so we could spend more time together. I'm always quick to complain about us not getting enough time together but this wasn't exactly what I had in mind. Nevertheless I turned around and let him strap that silly helmet with the mohawk on top on my head, climbed on the back of that deathtrap and let him take me to work. And you know what?!? It was fun. After I got over the initial fear of falling and hitting the pavement with every turn I actually enjoyed myself. I even let him pick me up from work on that silly thing. I guess the motorcycle is growing on me... just don't ever let Brian know I said that.