Many times there is a gulf between the person that we wish to be and the person that we actually are. And oh how easy it is to think we are who we wish to be. And how easy it is to become confused and defensive when people are viewing us as we actually are.
Will I ever be able to merge the two?
Finally become the person I wish to be?
Probably not.
But I am going to give it my all trying.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
forgive and forget?
I've lost track of how many times lately that Brian has let me down. I guess what suprises me the most is actually how genuinly suprised I am whenever he yet again fails to tell me the whole truth. Why am I always so shocked to find out that "oops, yet again good 'ole Brian Lee lied to me!" Maybe what is also so suprising is how quick I am to jump in and defend him against anyone who tries to talk bad about him. I know he's a liar... but don't call him a liar... What sense does that make? I could sit here and endlessly list some of his indescretions... ones that happened just days after we seperated or ones that happened just last week... but such a list isn't important... what is however is that I don't hold any of that against him. I think I make excuses for Brian and tend to replace who he currently is with the person that he could be... but I guess the point is... if I'm not going to bash him, talk bad about him or down on him or wish unmeasurable amounts of pain and suffering upon him than I don't see any reason why others around me should. The way I see it, in reality, the only one I can really blame for letting me down is myself. I'm the one who time and time again let's down that wall and let's Brian back in. If you're going to look down on anyone, bash anyone, why not point the finger at me. Brian can only hurt me if I let him. He can't lie to me if I know not to believe him. I'm finally beginning to grasp that concept. That I'm the one in charge here. And that in being the one in charge I've got to place myself first, ahead of Brian... which even afterall that has happened still seems unnatural for me to do. But I'm learning that I can only be responsible for myself. That person that I tend to see Brian as... the amazing one he could be... I can't get him there. No matter how much I push or nag or encourage or loan money or bail him out of trouble or keep his secrets I can't get him there... only he can. What's hard for me is that I think I want him to be that amazing person more than he himself wants to be. I can't make him want it. No one can and that's what really breaks my heart about the whole thing. So don't bash him or talk bad about him and break my heart even more. There are good things about Brian. There are amazing things about Brian even the way he is now. So unless you want to hear the soon to be ex wife chew you out for talking crap on her sorry ex husband think twice... if I can forgive him and choose to see the good and not the bad then by all means you can to... and if you can't find a kind word to say for Brian's sake atleast find one for mine.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
screaming
Tonight I feel like standing in the middle of the backyard and screaming. I could stand there all alone, shivering in the unseasonable cold Florida winter and let the tears dry on my cheeks underneath the cloudy black sky. I'd stand there and demand of God to tell me why he let Brian walk back into my life again only to make me have to shove him back out. And as I stood there just him and I, my sometimes God and me, I'd want something even more than my questions anwered. If only for one moment, one second, I could stand there and feel like he was standing with me then I'd know that everything would be alright. Even if he never supplied me with a single answer or favorably answered a single prayer I'd walk away at peace just knowing that I "felt it." Had one of those awe defining moments when you come face to face with your God and walk away never feeling the same. Instead of screaming in the backyard I'm crying on my keyboard, wondering when I let it all go wrong. Wondering when saving Brian became more important than saving myself. I might not be screaming my confusion and anger towards heaven tonight but I probably will whisper it in my prayers. And even if I don't get any explanations or any of the answers I want tonight I would happily settle with not questioning if God heard me or not.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
What's the "cents" in that one Uncle Sam?
America's tax system is flawed. Filing married but separately I owe the IRS $400 while Brian gets back just over $500. Yet if all we do is check the one little box that says married filing jointly we get back just over $2,000. And where is the sense in that one? (Or rather should I say "cents?")
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