My grandmother is dying.
I shared a name with her for 21 years. Spent almost every friday night over her house from the time I was two til she entered a nursing home my senior year of highschool. She taught me how to cook pancakes and bacon and egg sandwiches. Bought me my first pet. Cheered faithfully and whole-heartedly for me at various soccer, basketball, and softball games. Showed me how to play the piano... so many memories of so many things. And now she's dying. And I'm mostly reminded of all the time I haven't spent with her in the past few years. All the times I've been to North Carolina to visit and haven't stopped by to see her. I was so selfish. It was hard to see her because for the past five years or so it really wasn't the "her" I remember that I would be seeing. She had a stroke ten years back or so and over time her personality changed, she changed. She was physically weak, usually either mad or crying, not always mentally there. So I slowly pulled away. Away from this woman who had loved me so deeply and had done so much for me. It was easier for me that way...damn selfish me!!! Now she's dying and I can't get back any of the time I missed. I think I'll always hate a part of myself for not being the grandaughter that she deserved to have. Regardless of what I have or haven't done...of how I feel or don't feel the facts still remain...
I am selfish.
and
My grandmother is dying.
1 comment:
I am taking a class on psychology of aging, and it is perfectly normal for you to pull away. Actually our elderly family members take this time for themselves and it seems selfish of us but it's not they need this time they have give and give for years and gave us so much. Our elders need time to think to reflect on life and except and cope with their fate. You did what was right and now you feel bad and that's normal too because your going thru a stage where your trying to cope with your lose you think you may be experiencing soon too. Relax and spend time with her if you can but most of all spend this time to reflect on all the great memories you had with her and remind those around you that also share those memories. You may also find comfort in talking to others that have already lost a grandparent and see how they coped and learn from their mistakes and/or what they are glad they did during this time.
-Sarette
Post a Comment