empty rooms

So I find myself yet again in the "baby's room"... the now completely cleaned and organized baby's room.

Baby's room but no baby?

But thankfully, gratefully atleast for this moment, right here and right now... I am okay with that. It feels good to be in this now empty room... a room that is completely unfilled... a room that is open to and waiting for what the future has to fill it with. I'm not ready to begin that journey yet... one day soon I might... or maybe it will be months and months before we are ready to start down that path again... but the "baby's room" is ready and waiting for whatever miracles life has in store for it!

Finding happiness

I promise not to be sad or gloomy today... but I am going to talk about babies... and how we are deciding to not try again atleast for the moment (which for us means some form of birth control because as we have already found out we seem to be very fertile considering I got knocked up last time the second month of trying) I know this is making no sense. Wasn't I the sad little girl on here last night crying over how much I desperetly wanted a baby? I was and maybe that is the problem. I feel like I need to learn how to be happy with how things are right now. Find happiness in my family as it is. And oh there is happiness... I've just been so blinded by wanting and missing to enjoy Brian or even my parents or friends. So atleast for a few months we are going to keep the Matthews family at just the two of us. We are planning alot of date nights and weekend trips (all things that become difficult after you have a baby). I feel like I've been neglecting my husband and putting him on the back burner so to speak and that's never a good thing. So that's where I'm at right now... trying to find peace in my life as it is before we move forward to the next chapter.

moving on?

This evening Brian went to bike night and I got the bright idea to clean or more specifically to clean/organize our throw-everything-into-it-and-shut-the-door-room, aka the room that we refer to as the baby's room or the nursury. Stupid me, again. I thought that I could handle it... had put all of those stupid wasted tears behind me... but after coming across what were to be the baby's things and hearing that damn George Strait song (I saw God today) on my random playlist... needless to say I lost it... so here I am surronding by trashbags filled with things to throw away and give away, boxes, and an almost empty closet with a few lonely 0-3 months onesies and baby clothes... yep here I am in the same place I was December 12th... empty, sad, bitter, wanting... wanting something so much and so badly... yet not knowing if I will ever have it... not sure if I could hold it together if we conceived and lost another one... so where does that leave me? (other than on the floor typing and crying over things lost but never forgotten?)

Blue's Festival Pics

Dad went to listen to "the blues" while mom and I soaked up some sun on the beach. After an hour and a half or so a storm was rolling in and we didn't want to get soaking wet or struck by lightning, so we kept trying to call dad to see if he was ready to go... but he couldn't hear us over the music! Luckily we made it back to the car right before it started pouring



My lovely parents - 27 years of marriage and counting.



Father and daughter. We look alot alike... how scary is that!!!

Motorcycle chick

Didn't have to be into work today until noon which was a treat considering I 'm usually there at 7. (Although it wasn't a treat to have to close today, which meant me getting off at six thirty instead of four.) Getting back on track... I slept in (my favorite activity) and then left for work. I got about five mintutes from the house when my husband calls me and wants to know where I'm at.
"I'm heading to work," I say.
"Yes. I know," he says. "But where are you at?"
"Only about five minutes from the house."
"Great. Turn around."
"What?" Now I'm really confused.
"Turn around and come back home, I want to take you to work on my motorcycle."
And you know what I said? "Okay."
He had got off work early after PT and he wanted to take me so we could spend more time together. I'm always quick to complain about us not getting enough time together but this wasn't exactly what I had in mind. Nevertheless I turned around and let him strap that silly helmet with the mohawk on top on my head, climbed on the back of that deathtrap and let him take me to work. And you know what?!? It was fun. After I got over the initial fear of falling and hitting the pavement with every turn I actually enjoyed myself. I even let him pick me up from work on that silly thing. I guess the motorcycle is growing on me... just don't ever let Brian know I said that.

ER visit

Today was pretty much completely unproductive and for poor Brian, a waste of a day off. We spent all morning and afternoon (8-3) at the Navy Hospital because I had a cyst on my ovary that burst. Before today I was unware that I even had any cyst and god willing will never have any again. Last night my stomach started to hurt pretty severely and by this morning I was pretty sure I was dying! (I'm only half joking but hey I am a wimp and have zero pain tolerance.) So Brian took me to the ER and many hours of waiting and getting poked and prodded in places it's never fun to be poked and prodded in (atleast by doctors- hehe) I was prescribed some vicodin, a no "activity" for a week order, and an appointment in a couple of weeks to go back to get poked and prodded in those fun places once again. So now here I am at 11:30 at night and while I should be sleeping I'm being stubborn and trying not to take my pain pills again... I should probably just break down and take them but I have zero tolerance and just a few hours ago I was completely out of it due to those lovely little white pills... guess I'm going to give in and take them so I can get some sleep before work tomorrow... if there happens to be any weird post on here tonight or early tomorrow I cannot be held responsible... it's just the vicodin blooging.