"This is fish number six hundred and forty-one in a lifetime of goldfish. My parents bought me the first one to teach me about loving and caring for another living breathing creature of God. Six hundred and forty fish later the only thing I know is that everything you love will die."
"I've met God across his long walnut desk with all his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?" Why did I cause so much pain? Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness? Can't I see how we're all manifestations of love? I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong. We are not special. We are not crap or trash either. We just are. We just are and what happens just happens. and God says, "No that's not right." Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything."
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
My grandmother is dying.
My grandmother is dying.
I shared a name with her for 21 years. Spent almost every friday night over her house from the time I was two til she entered a nursing home my senior year of highschool. She taught me how to cook pancakes and bacon and egg sandwiches. Bought me my first pet. Cheered faithfully and whole-heartedly for me at various soccer, basketball, and softball games. Showed me how to play the piano... so many memories of so many things. And now she's dying. And I'm mostly reminded of all the time I haven't spent with her in the past few years. All the times I've been to North Carolina to visit and haven't stopped by to see her. I was so selfish. It was hard to see her because for the past five years or so it really wasn't the "her" I remember that I would be seeing. She had a stroke ten years back or so and over time her personality changed, she changed. She was physically weak, usually either mad or crying, not always mentally there. So I slowly pulled away. Away from this woman who had loved me so deeply and had done so much for me. It was easier for me that way...damn selfish me!!! Now she's dying and I can't get back any of the time I missed. I think I'll always hate a part of myself for not being the grandaughter that she deserved to have. Regardless of what I have or haven't done...of how I feel or don't feel the facts still remain...
I am selfish.
and
My grandmother is dying.
I shared a name with her for 21 years. Spent almost every friday night over her house from the time I was two til she entered a nursing home my senior year of highschool. She taught me how to cook pancakes and bacon and egg sandwiches. Bought me my first pet. Cheered faithfully and whole-heartedly for me at various soccer, basketball, and softball games. Showed me how to play the piano... so many memories of so many things. And now she's dying. And I'm mostly reminded of all the time I haven't spent with her in the past few years. All the times I've been to North Carolina to visit and haven't stopped by to see her. I was so selfish. It was hard to see her because for the past five years or so it really wasn't the "her" I remember that I would be seeing. She had a stroke ten years back or so and over time her personality changed, she changed. She was physically weak, usually either mad or crying, not always mentally there. So I slowly pulled away. Away from this woman who had loved me so deeply and had done so much for me. It was easier for me that way...damn selfish me!!! Now she's dying and I can't get back any of the time I missed. I think I'll always hate a part of myself for not being the grandaughter that she deserved to have. Regardless of what I have or haven't done...of how I feel or don't feel the facts still remain...
I am selfish.
and
My grandmother is dying.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
My own answers.
For as long as I can remember my faith has always seemed to be in this constant state of tug-of-war. Always push. Pull. Love. Hate. Acceptance. Defiance. I never seem to find a constant way of being. Of believing. Am I wrong to think there should be some kind of constant, some order to my beliefs? Why can I be so sure of God for a few minutes and yet so doubtful during all the other long hours of the day. Organized religion baffles me. How can so many people of different religions be so confident that their faith isn't misplaced. Obviously someones is. Everyone cannot possible be right. In the same token everyone can't possible be wrong. I guess I worry because I have never known anything other than Christianity. Do I blindly follow simply because I haven't been taught anything else? I think faith like that is weak. If we accepted everything we have been taught at face value where would that leave us. If you believe in God simply because Christianity has been drilled into your head from infancy on what good is it? How would you ever know if God was real or just some idea you've had force fed to you since you could talk? If I'd been born into a Buddist family those ideas and values are all I would have been exposed to. To simply accept what you've been raised to believe, would seem to me, a great disservice to yourself and to your God. If I'd been taught from elementary school on that there where fifteen planets in our solar system and that three others were exactly like earth that's what I would have believed from then on. I would never have any way of ever knowing that what I had learned was false. I want my belief to be built on my own foundation not that of my mother's or my grandmother's. I want to learn and discover on my own who and what God is to me. A personal relationship with God... that's what I'm after. Not a belief that waffles and threatens to leave me stranded when I need it the most. That is why I question. If you don't ever question God you'll never get any answers. And that's what I want most. My own answers. Not everyone elses. Simply my own.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Moving mountains?
There's this well known verse in the bible that reads, "He replied, It's because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Move from here to there" and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17: 20)
Well I'm definately not moving mountains so I must be sorely lacking in the faith department... (not that I see to many other people moving mountians at all really.) I know that the failing is in me and not God... but really... to have faith that could move mountains!!! That just seems to be out of everyone's grasp. I suppose it's possible, well to be truthful I see it as pretty damn near impossible. It's hard to have faith that strong when you're talking to God, praying for something and you feel as though you might as well just be beating your head up against a brick wall. It always seems that whenever I actually take the time to stop and actually pray for something whole heartedly and consistently God gives me the exact opposite of what I'm praying for. I remember being at the hospital after having our first ultrasound that said there was no heartbeat and praying and praying that they were wrong and this next ultrasound would show a heartbeat. Praying to God to just let my baby live... needless to say it wasn't to be nor was it to be recently when I prayed so hard for a close friend's baby boy to make it. I know, I know that's not how it's supposed to work... people will say that it was God's will for the babies to die. I don't buy that BS for a second though. It wasn't his will or his plan... he just chose to not intervene and somehow I've got to learn not to take his lack of action personal. You can't always get the answer you want. God isn't going to swoop in like some superhero and save you from every bad situation you encounter here on earth. That doesn't mean he's not with you and doesn't care about you... it just means that I've got to accept that since my faith is lacking God isn't going to grant me the power to move mountains or even anthills for that matter. It isn't God's fault that my prayers don't get answered, it's mine because I go in believing they won't be answered in the first place. So if anyone knows where I could pick up a little extra faith so I could start working on that mountain just let me know. I have the feeling though that God intended for me to move my mountain one shovel full of dirt at a time!
Well I'm definately not moving mountains so I must be sorely lacking in the faith department... (not that I see to many other people moving mountians at all really.) I know that the failing is in me and not God... but really... to have faith that could move mountains!!! That just seems to be out of everyone's grasp. I suppose it's possible, well to be truthful I see it as pretty damn near impossible. It's hard to have faith that strong when you're talking to God, praying for something and you feel as though you might as well just be beating your head up against a brick wall. It always seems that whenever I actually take the time to stop and actually pray for something whole heartedly and consistently God gives me the exact opposite of what I'm praying for. I remember being at the hospital after having our first ultrasound that said there was no heartbeat and praying and praying that they were wrong and this next ultrasound would show a heartbeat. Praying to God to just let my baby live... needless to say it wasn't to be nor was it to be recently when I prayed so hard for a close friend's baby boy to make it. I know, I know that's not how it's supposed to work... people will say that it was God's will for the babies to die. I don't buy that BS for a second though. It wasn't his will or his plan... he just chose to not intervene and somehow I've got to learn not to take his lack of action personal. You can't always get the answer you want. God isn't going to swoop in like some superhero and save you from every bad situation you encounter here on earth. That doesn't mean he's not with you and doesn't care about you... it just means that I've got to accept that since my faith is lacking God isn't going to grant me the power to move mountains or even anthills for that matter. It isn't God's fault that my prayers don't get answered, it's mine because I go in believing they won't be answered in the first place. So if anyone knows where I could pick up a little extra faith so I could start working on that mountain just let me know. I have the feeling though that God intended for me to move my mountain one shovel full of dirt at a time!
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Praying for Babies
WOW! So I haven't written/blogged anything in forever. I think maybe that was part of me trying to put the past behind me. Just living in the moment, taking life day by day. Writing makes me disect things to much. I ask to many questions of myself, others, events in general. It felt good to just live on the surface for awhile... to take things at face value... to just be...
But something had to bring me back. Back to thinking and writing and wanting to remember. I have two really good friends who are currently in the hospital, currently about to deliver. Two friends, two different situations, two people who you would say are in need of prayer. I don't hold much stock in prayer. Not in it's ability to change situations but I do perhaps believe in it's abilty to hold people up and carry them through tough times. Two friends. One who believes in the power of prayer. One who absolutely does not. One who has spent everyday and every night of the past month praying for her baby. The other, I highly doubt has sent even one single prayer heavenward for her babies. The one who has yet to pray is 32 weeks and expecting twins. Her babies will very likely survive and after some time spent in the NICU will more than likely thrive. Yet the friend who has done nothing but pray, who so many people (including me, Mrs. Doubting Thomas herself) have prayed for... at only 22 weeks her baby is up against almost impossible odds. What does that say for the power of prayer. What fairness is there in that. Why is one friend given two and the other most likely isn't even allowed to keep her one? They both are equally deserving. Both would be amazing moms for these babies. Why do some people get to keep their babies while others are forced to return theirs to heaven? Obviously it isn't based on prayer. So why do we pray? What purpose is there in it? How can I believe in God but not believe he answers our prayers? This whole prayer question is one that continues to baffle me... so until I understand why I feel the need to pray even though I lack the belief in it, I guess I'll just keep sending my requests and hopes heavenward and see if HE ever gives me the answers I'm looking for.
But something had to bring me back. Back to thinking and writing and wanting to remember. I have two really good friends who are currently in the hospital, currently about to deliver. Two friends, two different situations, two people who you would say are in need of prayer. I don't hold much stock in prayer. Not in it's ability to change situations but I do perhaps believe in it's abilty to hold people up and carry them through tough times. Two friends. One who believes in the power of prayer. One who absolutely does not. One who has spent everyday and every night of the past month praying for her baby. The other, I highly doubt has sent even one single prayer heavenward for her babies. The one who has yet to pray is 32 weeks and expecting twins. Her babies will very likely survive and after some time spent in the NICU will more than likely thrive. Yet the friend who has done nothing but pray, who so many people (including me, Mrs. Doubting Thomas herself) have prayed for... at only 22 weeks her baby is up against almost impossible odds. What does that say for the power of prayer. What fairness is there in that. Why is one friend given two and the other most likely isn't even allowed to keep her one? They both are equally deserving. Both would be amazing moms for these babies. Why do some people get to keep their babies while others are forced to return theirs to heaven? Obviously it isn't based on prayer. So why do we pray? What purpose is there in it? How can I believe in God but not believe he answers our prayers? This whole prayer question is one that continues to baffle me... so until I understand why I feel the need to pray even though I lack the belief in it, I guess I'll just keep sending my requests and hopes heavenward and see if HE ever gives me the answers I'm looking for.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
empty rooms
So I find myself yet again in the "baby's room"... the now completely cleaned and organized baby's room.
Baby's room but no baby?
But thankfully, gratefully atleast for this moment, right here and right now... I am okay with that. It feels good to be in this now empty room... a room that is completely unfilled... a room that is open to and waiting for what the future has to fill it with. I'm not ready to begin that journey yet... one day soon I might... or maybe it will be months and months before we are ready to start down that path again... but the "baby's room" is ready and waiting for whatever miracles life has in store for it!
Friday, April 11, 2008
Finding happiness
I promise not to be sad or gloomy today... but I am going to talk about babies... and how we are deciding to not try again atleast for the moment (which for us means some form of birth control because as we have already found out we seem to be very fertile considering I got knocked up last time the second month of trying) I know this is making no sense. Wasn't I the sad little girl on here last night crying over how much I desperetly wanted a baby? I was and maybe that is the problem. I feel like I need to learn how to be happy with how things are right now. Find happiness in my family as it is. And oh there is happiness... I've just been so blinded by wanting and missing to enjoy Brian or even my parents or friends. So atleast for a few months we are going to keep the Matthews family at just the two of us. We are planning alot of date nights and weekend trips (all things that become difficult after you have a baby). I feel like I've been neglecting my husband and putting him on the back burner so to speak and that's never a good thing. So that's where I'm at right now... trying to find peace in my life as it is before we move forward to the next chapter.
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