Me?

I want to go against the grain.
Fight the sameness that I always fall into.
I've tried so hard to be the world's quote "idea of normal" that there is nothing noticeably original about me anymore. I don't want to be ashamed of who I am... or of all the little pieces, both good and bad, that I'm made up of.
For 28 years I think my biggest mistake has been learning to live around who I am instead of learning to live with it.
You can't wish pieces of yourself away... and though I know many will argue, my mom included, I don't believe you can pray them away either. I think if God is who they claim him to be he wants everyone to embrace their real self. And if you believe in that whole "we're made in God's image" mumbo-jumbo shit then even the parts of me that I hate are a reflection of who God is... and isn't that just a huge and complicated thought to try and wrap your mind around.
Do I know who God is?
No.
Do I know who I am?
Not completely.
Do I believe in the possibility that God is who "they" say he is?
I do tend to lean more towards the yes on the actual existence of God but I believe that you have to be very careful because a lot of time "they" don't know what the hell they're talking about.
Do I believe in myself?
I need to... I used to... getting back to that place might be a journey.
I do know that you can't believe in someone you don't know. You can't believe in someone you can't accept. And you can't take someone elses belief and make it your own. I have to find my own way.
It starts with me.
All of me.
What I love about me.
What I hate about me.
What I know about me.
And what I've yet to learn about me.
It all starts with me.
Not some pretend, made up, fake and re-edited version of me.
But the real me.

a part of me

I'm smiling because I'm supposed to. Trying to go through the motions because what else is there to do really? Fall apart? I can pretend all that I want to but little by little I am falling apart.
I'm tired of breaking so easily. Tired of feeling like the weakest human being on the earth. The sad little girl who can't handle what life tosses her way. I don't usually come out and tell people about this side of me. Mainly because I'm ashamed of it and wish that it wasn't a part of me. Ever since I can remember, back to elementary school even, I've struggled with social anxiety disorder and depression. It's a mental thing and since it's a mental thing I don't talk about it. Mental equals crazy (atleast in a lot of people's minds) and I hate being known as the crazy girl.
Usually it's the anxiety that's worse but little by little over the past couple of months the depression has crept up on me. Sure I recognized it but I just tried to push it down, push it back and hope that would be enough. It wasn't enough. I'm simply existing and that's not okay with me. I have nothing really to be all that depressed about which makes it all the worse that I have this gut wrenching sadness that I can't shake. To function I pretty much am walking around in a fog, mostly numb because the only strong emotion that I have been capable of feeling is sad. I don't enjoy much of anything... I simply go through the motions and respond how I know I'm supposed to respond. The only thing I really like lately is sleep. So that's what I do... I sleep... I drag myself through what I have to do... then I sleep... and the cycle repeats.
I know there's more to life than this. I deserve more from life than this. But knowing this and being able to achieve it are two different things. They say that admitting a problem is the first step in overcoming a problem... so I'm trying to get over the shame... put it down in words for anyone to see... and finally accept myself that anxiety and depression will always be a part of me.