There's this well known verse in the bible that reads, "He replied, It's because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Move from here to there" and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17: 20)
Well I'm definately not moving mountains so I must be sorely lacking in the faith department... (not that I see to many other people moving mountians at all really.) I know that the failing is in me and not God... but really... to have faith that could move mountains!!! That just seems to be out of everyone's grasp. I suppose it's possible, well to be truthful I see it as pretty damn near impossible. It's hard to have faith that strong when you're talking to God, praying for something and you feel as though you might as well just be beating your head up against a brick wall. It always seems that whenever I actually take the time to stop and actually pray for something whole heartedly and consistently God gives me the exact opposite of what I'm praying for. I remember being at the hospital after having our first ultrasound that said there was no heartbeat and praying and praying that they were wrong and this next ultrasound would show a heartbeat. Praying to God to just let my baby live... needless to say it wasn't to be nor was it to be recently when I prayed so hard for a close friend's baby boy to make it. I know, I know that's not how it's supposed to work... people will say that it was God's will for the babies to die. I don't buy that BS for a second though. It wasn't his will or his plan... he just chose to not intervene and somehow I've got to learn not to take his lack of action personal. You can't always get the answer you want. God isn't going to swoop in like some superhero and save you from every bad situation you encounter here on earth. That doesn't mean he's not with you and doesn't care about you... it just means that I've got to accept that since my faith is lacking God isn't going to grant me the power to move mountains or even anthills for that matter. It isn't God's fault that my prayers don't get answered, it's mine because I go in believing they won't be answered in the first place. So if anyone knows where I could pick up a little extra faith so I could start working on that mountain just let me know. I have the feeling though that God intended for me to move my mountain one shovel full of dirt at a time!
Monday, August 18, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Praying for Babies
WOW! So I haven't written/blogged anything in forever. I think maybe that was part of me trying to put the past behind me. Just living in the moment, taking life day by day. Writing makes me disect things to much. I ask to many questions of myself, others, events in general. It felt good to just live on the surface for awhile... to take things at face value... to just be...
But something had to bring me back. Back to thinking and writing and wanting to remember. I have two really good friends who are currently in the hospital, currently about to deliver. Two friends, two different situations, two people who you would say are in need of prayer. I don't hold much stock in prayer. Not in it's ability to change situations but I do perhaps believe in it's abilty to hold people up and carry them through tough times. Two friends. One who believes in the power of prayer. One who absolutely does not. One who has spent everyday and every night of the past month praying for her baby. The other, I highly doubt has sent even one single prayer heavenward for her babies. The one who has yet to pray is 32 weeks and expecting twins. Her babies will very likely survive and after some time spent in the NICU will more than likely thrive. Yet the friend who has done nothing but pray, who so many people (including me, Mrs. Doubting Thomas herself) have prayed for... at only 22 weeks her baby is up against almost impossible odds. What does that say for the power of prayer. What fairness is there in that. Why is one friend given two and the other most likely isn't even allowed to keep her one? They both are equally deserving. Both would be amazing moms for these babies. Why do some people get to keep their babies while others are forced to return theirs to heaven? Obviously it isn't based on prayer. So why do we pray? What purpose is there in it? How can I believe in God but not believe he answers our prayers? This whole prayer question is one that continues to baffle me... so until I understand why I feel the need to pray even though I lack the belief in it, I guess I'll just keep sending my requests and hopes heavenward and see if HE ever gives me the answers I'm looking for.
But something had to bring me back. Back to thinking and writing and wanting to remember. I have two really good friends who are currently in the hospital, currently about to deliver. Two friends, two different situations, two people who you would say are in need of prayer. I don't hold much stock in prayer. Not in it's ability to change situations but I do perhaps believe in it's abilty to hold people up and carry them through tough times. Two friends. One who believes in the power of prayer. One who absolutely does not. One who has spent everyday and every night of the past month praying for her baby. The other, I highly doubt has sent even one single prayer heavenward for her babies. The one who has yet to pray is 32 weeks and expecting twins. Her babies will very likely survive and after some time spent in the NICU will more than likely thrive. Yet the friend who has done nothing but pray, who so many people (including me, Mrs. Doubting Thomas herself) have prayed for... at only 22 weeks her baby is up against almost impossible odds. What does that say for the power of prayer. What fairness is there in that. Why is one friend given two and the other most likely isn't even allowed to keep her one? They both are equally deserving. Both would be amazing moms for these babies. Why do some people get to keep their babies while others are forced to return theirs to heaven? Obviously it isn't based on prayer. So why do we pray? What purpose is there in it? How can I believe in God but not believe he answers our prayers? This whole prayer question is one that continues to baffle me... so until I understand why I feel the need to pray even though I lack the belief in it, I guess I'll just keep sending my requests and hopes heavenward and see if HE ever gives me the answers I'm looking for.
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